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Sam's New Love

2007-06-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

So I bought reusuable grocery bags. They're wonderful in that they are sturdy and hold lots of groceries. Plus, they fold up into a little pouch that I can throw in my purse. My problem is that I never remember to throw them in my purse. I'm constantly standing in the check out line thinking "Darn! I forgot my bags!" I just don't think Al Gore would be proud of me right now.

I've also discovered silk nails. What a wonder. I've had acrylics in the past and hated how thick they were. I haven't had anything on my nails for close to four years but finally decided my own nails were never ever going to grow. So I went in to the Nail Salon and the lady recommended silks. They're thinner and look like my own nails. They're pretty strong too. Plus, they last longer. I win all around! Except for the clickity clack sound they make when I type. I hate it. We have electronic medical records at work so I'm typing all day and clacking along quite loudly. It always reminds me of those obnoxious ladies that check you bags at the airport. There they are with your life in their manicured hands staring at the screen and clickity clacking along for ten solid minutes. Then they turn to you and say, "Now what was your name again?"

Sometimes I'll be typing along and tell my patients to just hold on one minute while I Google their problem. Tee Hee. If they look uneasy I reassure them that I got my medical degree online so I know what I'm doing. . .

Sam came to town with a "friend" this past weekend. She is awesome! I really like her. She is a deaf graphics designer who is Asian! And she is very very nice. She lives in Atlanta, and since I visit there often I may ask her to give me a few lessons in ASL. Maybe then I could understand half the stuff Sam says to me. . .

Medical Humor

2007-06-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some funny stories from the work place:

1. The other day a drug rep came in to give us some samples of a sleep aid. I told her the only complaint my patients had about the drug was that it had a horrible aftertaste. She said she had a great solution for that.

"Just take it with something acidic like orange juice. . . or coffee."

Hmmmmmm. I don't think I've ever thought of taking my sleeping pills with coffee.

2. Another time I had a patient whose wife was worried about getting a biopsy of a tumor that was found in her breast. She asked her husband if he was going to the hospital with her and he reached over and patted her shoulder lovingly and said,

"Don't worry, honey. I would never miss your autopsy. . . "

True story.

3. Our lab tech was delivering some lab results to me when she said she couldn't believe this lady had genital herpes. I explained that she got it from her husband.

"But she has been married to him for like 25 years! They didn't have herpes back then, did they?"

4. During my first visit with a patient I was going through her medical history and found out she had had a double mastectomy due to cancer. That small fact must have slipped my mind a few minutes later when I asked her when her last mammogram was. She quickly began patting her chest and said

"I can't get those anymore, can I?"

5. Another time I was doing a pap smear and could not locate a women's cervix.

"Have you ever had a hysterectomy, ma'am?" I asked her.

"No."

Hmm. So I tried to locate it again and again, to no avail.

"Do you still have your uterus?" I asked.

"Oh, yes!" She replied, quite cheerily.

Finally, I asked, "Did you get your womb taken out?"

"Yes, several years back." Good thing, because I certainly can't find your cervix!

Gee Your Car Smells Terrific

2007-05-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

So the van stunk for three days after the Vomit Debacle. I took Anjali's carseat back out and washed the cover. Sumeet smelled everywhere and couldn't find anything. I deemed that a useless endeaver since he has a poor sense of smell anyway. We were going to dinner Friday night when I stopped Sumeet so I could empty the little car trashcan I have up front.

"You didn't empty that??!!"

"Oh!" I replied "I didn't! Do you think that's where the smell is coming from?"

Of course, HE was the one who cleaned the car. HE didn't empty it either.

Okay, Mike. I know you're loving that one. Stupid doctors and all that.

I talked to Mom today, Mike. I'm not sure if I was on your list of Horrible Children, but apparently I'm off now. I think it's because I give her drugs.

Elicia, if you're reading this, good luck on your move! I'm very excited for you and JC and Peyton. I want to send you a moving package, but I'm going to wait until I ge your new address. You're getting a real dishwasher!! Wow! And all new appliances! Yay!

How does your urine smell?

2007-05-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I'm driving the girls to school and Anjali starts coughing. She tends to have a sensitive gag reflex and eventually throws up her oatmeal and milk I so painstakingly made for her. It's everywhere and smells wonderful. I'm halfway to school and have to quickly decide if I will lose more time going back home or if I should risk it and hope I have an extra set of clean clothes in her book bag.

I risk it.

When I get to the school I strip her down in the parking lot and put another outfit on. Yay for me! I didn't get any vomit on my clothes, either.

Then Priya decided to throw a royal tantrum. About nothing. It wouldn't have been a big deal except she refused to budge from the center of the parking lot, right in every car's path. When I finally managed to drag her into the preschool she bolted right back out and stood again in the center of the parking lot. Arms folded. Mad as Hell.

Meanwhile I had very nice parents and teachers offering to help me with Anjali while I chased Priya down. I forgot about the gross vomit soaked dress and ran back to get Priya. She was angry because I didn't let her walk in "by myself." Oh yes, that's an excellent reason to risk life and limb in such a manner. Good call.

After walking her back in and trying not to lose my cool in front of everyone, I found Anjali's teacher holding her vomitus dress with two fingers quite delicately. She calmly found a plastic bag for it and gave it back to me without a word.

I'm so lucky that Priya decided to throw her fit at her school. If I had been in an airport or the mall I would have been embarrassed. As it was, everyone there understood and was so nice about it.

A few days earlier I had taken Priya to my office for the afternoon after her doctor's appointment. She loves to hang out at the front with the receptionist and draw pictures. There she was drawing away when a patient came to the window and told her hello and commented on how well she was drawing. Priya said thank you and the patient turned to the receptionist and said "My urine smells like sh**."

Okay. Who does that? Did you not just talk to a four year old child sitting two feet from you? What is your problem?

Anyway, the receptionist was pretty disgusted and hurried to get the patient out of there before she could say something else.

Priya knew it was a bad word and put both her hands to her mouth in mock surprise. Now, how would she know that? I never say that! I say just about everything else in the book, but never that one.

Do I?

How to be a Good Parent

2007-05-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

The girl's preschool is sooooo busy. They're teachers send home information each day in their book bags about what is going on and what I need to do for the next class. If I were a good parent I would empty their book bag the minute they came home and prepare appropriately. Instead, I open the bag ten minutes before we leave for school and then frantically run around getting whatever they need for class that day. They're in preschool, for goodness sake! Today they were having animals from the zoo visit so they needed fruit or a vegetable to feed the animals. Next week is Teacher Appreciation Week, so I needed to sign up to substitute teach one day, or bring food, or help prepare gift baskets, help prepare a luncheon, etc, etc. If I had been prepared I would have known that I needed to have some gifts ready TODAY to put in a box for the Teachers. Instead, I was running around looking for an extra scented candle or lotion to give. Thankfully, I don't use many of my candles, so I grabbed a few votives I've never used. I thought it would be tacky to grab a half used bottle of lotion, though. Thank the good Lord Above they are only in school two days a week for three very short hours each. . .

We had our Girl's Weekend in Gatlinburg and I think I won the award for spending the most money. 75% of it was for clothes for Sumeet. Poor thing, he only has 237 shirts and 55 pairs of pants. So I had to replenesh his closet at Banana Republic. You can't beat a good sale at BR. It helps that he wears a size small in shirts and 30/30 pants. I called him to ask him what he needed and he started barking orders: "Go to the clearance rack in the back. They're having button down shirts for $19.99 now. I need these colors: blah, blah, blah" I asked about a pair of pants and he says "Are they Martin fit? Do they have the blue stripe on the inside? How much? No, that's too much. Wait! Go ahead and get them. I guess I'll use them. They're LIGHT tan right?"

My goodness. It's just clothes!

You're just too qualified to make good money

2007-04-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

So Kat had a good job interview yesterday. Everyone cross your fingers for her. I've never seen one person go on so many job interviews and come SO CLOSE to getting a job before in my life. She gives her resume to everyone and then sits back and waits. Usually they tell her she's overqualified, which just frustrates her. It' s amazing how different each job is, too. This one is for the managing editor of a magazine. No, she doesn't have a journalism degree, but there you go. They asked her how she came up with her writing style and she said it just pops out of her head. I believe it. You should hear what just pops out of her mouth.

I'm going to Gatlinburg for a girl's weekend with several friends (we're all Moms with kids in the same playgroup). We've been in a playgroup for several years now and gotten to know each other pretty well. We're going shopping, eating out at a nice restaurant and then staying in a cozy cabin in the mountains. I think we're going to listen to Barry Manilow and the Bee Gees while we dance around in our pajamas drinking wine. I'm super stoked!

Oh, and Sumeet is going to be on TV tomorrow. He'll be shooting a segment about colorectal screening or some such thing. He is not too excited about doing it. How can you sound cool when you're talking about a tube in someone's nether regions?

As for me, I have my mug plastered on a billboard in Soddy Daisy (yes, that's the name of a town north of here). We're trying to attract patients for our new nurse practitioner. We're all wearing bikinis. He, he, he. Obviously, that ploy won't work.

Oh, and I had the oddest dream last night. Figure this one out. I dreamt the whole family met at IHOP for open bar. But they weren't serving alcohol. They were serving pancakes (especially the Rutti Tutti Fresh and Fruity). I was miffed because Mom and Pam would eat their pancakes at the bar and then disappear, making me pay the tab. How rude.

2007-04-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

It's time for a new look. I guess if I'm going to blog correctly I should change things up a bit. So here goes. I hope you like it.

Some input would be appreciated, but I understand if you look at it and say "Whatever" and click on You Tube to watch some kids slam into fences or something.

I assume only family is reading this, but I've learned a few people accidentally stumble onto it and stay for a nanosecond before roaring off. In that regard, I want to link Kat's Myspace page onto it, but don't think I can. Plus, I've never seen it and doubt she wants the family to view it. She says she put the girls on it once. Hmmmmm. I feel so old when I'm around her. She is much more technology savvy than I am and patiently tries to teach me what she can. She is the only person I've ever sent a text message to, or received one from. It's weird. If you have something to say, why not just call?

Anyway. Husband looked at my tan today and asked how long it would last. I told him seven to ten days. "Don't you bathe?" he asked.

Greedy

2007-04-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am trying very hard not to fill my most interesting blog with "kids say the darndest things." But here I go anyway.

Yesterday Anjali was playing with Priya's barbie doll. Priya was drawing a picture. When she saw Anu with her doll she demanded she give it to her. I tried to reason with Priya, but it was no use. So I told Anjali she had to return the doll to Priya because Priya didn't want to share and was feeling a bit greedy. Anjali then stomped over to Priya and yelled "Priya! Don't Greedy Me!!"

Poor Anjali had "poo poo problems" all weekend. When her new nanny asked her if she had gone poo poo in the potty she grabbed her bottom and said "No, it just stayed up in there!"

Last night Priya was upstairs in bed and asked me to get her Barbie doll for her. I asked her which one, since she has two. She said, "You know, the one with legs." Oh. Okay. That narrows it down.

And on another note, I've had several compliments from people regarding my "tan." Of course, when people asked if I was at the beach over the weekend I didn't pop up with a lie about being in Jamaica or something. Instead I told them it was a fake spray on tan. Which always led into a discussion about tanning products in general. What is my problem? When am I going to learn to just lie effortlessly?

Mike, great joke on Hillary.

Oh, and Hill and Chase, you should know Priya talks about you all the time. Your picture you sent at Christmas is in her play room. She wanted to draw a picture of each of you and wanted to know exactly how many freckles each of you have on your face. I couldn't answer. She drew you a picture of a turtle instead. You should get it in the mail soon.

It takes a lot of work to be this beautiful

2007-04-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

-Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias.

I feel this way many times and not because I'm beautiful. Today I got a Mystic Tan. I had to. I put some shorts on and it scared me. No one should be allowed out the door with legs that white.

It was my first time at that tanning salon and the 16 year old extremely tanned and uber thin employee decided to give me a tour. Even though I told her I wasn't interested in tanning, just the Mystic Tan. The spray on. Like what Ross went through in Friends. So I reminded her of this when she showed me the Super 980,000 watt tanning bed that they only allowed you to use a maximum of 8 minutes every three months.

Hello.

Why would I want to get into that?

She was mystified that I didn't want to get a "real" tan. No pun intended.

Anyway, it was a scary experience. Three spouts blasting this cloud of brown stuff five times over each side of my body. I couldn't breathe. But I guess I got an even tan. I'm not orange.

But now that my face is tan my blonde moustache really shows. So I need to wax that and have the red blotchy goatee for 36 hours. Then I need to color my roots because they're pure white. I just colored three weeks ago. Three weeks.

I need acrylic nails because mine won't grow. I got Lasic surgery to get rid of my glasses and vaneers on my teeth because I thought I looked like a rabbit with my super wide front teeth. Nothing on me is real. My hair, nails, eyes, teeth and skin are all colored.

I don't know what the point of this post was, but at least I posted. Right, Mike?

But I have a great personality!

2007-04-20T13:02:00.003-07:00

If someone says "I don't photograph well" aren't they just saying they're ugly? And if you say you don't "test" well in school, are you simply stupid?

Why do we say "heavy" instead of fat? And "older" instead of just old?

I've found myself talking to 89 year old patients at work and saying things like "Most older patients have such and such problems. . . " Usually the patient looks at me real patiently until I finally break down and say, "Okay. You're old. I won't beat around the bush." I'm glad they paid good money to hear that professional opinion.

Speaking of opinions. . .

A patient called me for my opinion because her radiologist said she should not have a biopsy of her thyroid nodule and her endocrinologist said she should. When she told the endocrinologist's nurse what the radiologist said the nurse told her she just needed to decide who she trusted most; her endocrinologist (who does this every day) or her radiologist. She was a little miffed at the nurse's attitude and asked for my opinion. After dispensing with my wise advice I told her to call the nurse back and tell her she wasn't going to trust either specialist's advice and was only going to trust her Internist! Har! Har! We're the bottom of the Ego Totem Pole in the medical world, so I enjoyed that brief power trip. She didn't make the call, by the way.

Are they twins?

2007-04-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

I get that question a lot when I have the girls with me. I always explain, that "no, they're not twins, they're just close in age." The other day we were in line at Sam's and after hearing this bit of news the man in line behind me asked me if I was going to have a third child. Now, isn't that a bit personal? Did I ask him when his next bowel movement was going to be? But I patiently explained that "No, I think we're done with these two."

"Oh," he said "you can't afford it?"

What kind of question is that? How is any of this his business?

Happy Birthday Hillary! Sweet 17!

A New Post, Mike!

2007-04-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

Mike says I don't ever update my blog. C'mon, I wrote an entry in May of 2006. How often does he want to read something about my life?

Here's a fill in. Priya turned four years old a couple of weeks ago. She is four going on 14. We'e aleady fighting and I'm usually the one stomping off to sulk because she won't do what I want her to. She is going to a private school next year and she is going to wear a uniform every day. Yes, Mike, it's true. She actually had to apply to this school and go through two evaluations to get in. How do they evaluate a three year old? Who knows, but she passed. I hope they didn't see her pick her nose. She does that a lot.

Anjali is two years old and always wanting to one-up Priya. She is almost as tall as Priya and they really almost look like twins. She is almost potty trained and now grabs herself when she needs to go to the bathroom. I'm actually glad because I get a 30 second warning before I rush her into the bathroom. She also has curious habit of "riding" her blankee. I will include a picture when I can, but she looks like a dog dry humping a stuffed animal. My brother-in-law insists she gets some sort of pleasure from it. I told him that was gross, but did notice she likes to go t a quiet corner and do it about five times a day. If she likes it, good for her.

I'm working part time and I'm I just started with a new nannie for the girls. She is 67 years old and has LOADS of experience. The girls love her already and she seems very enthusiastic. It's very hard for me to even trust another person with the girls. They've had the same two nannies for three years and no other babysitters except for other family members.

Kat lives about 20 minutes away and comes over about 1-2 times a week. She babysits every other Saturday for us so we can have a "date." Last Saturday we went to PF Changs. It was wonderful. Poor Kat. My friend's daughter is 12 years old and several inches taller than her. She ribs Kat about it every time she comes over. Kat can't even reach her height with her 8 inch wedges on.

That's it.

Pam and the boys are coming over in two weeks and I absolutely can't wait. I'm thinking about all the fun things we can do but not planning anything. We have the Acquarium, the Carousel, the fountains, Discovery Museum, Tow Truck Museum, Train Museum, and Chattanooga Duck amphibious touring vehicle (it drives down the street and floats on the river). Only in Chattanooga.

I'll make every effort to post more interesting things when they happen. The girls are watching American Idol right now. Priya is sitting next to Sumeet asking him every thirty seconds if "that guy can sing." Sumeet said "no" since it was Sanjaya. Priya doesn't understand why. So she asks that about every singer. Every thirty seconds. Meanwhile, Anjali has put on her toy drum and is serenading us with her rendation of "We can go on Parade." That's her own song. The same five words over and over and over.

See why I don't post more often?

Going Postal

2006-05-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written. I guess time got away from me.

We're going to London in August for a wedding. So, being the prepared little Girl Scout that I am, I began the process of getting passports for the girls a few weeks ago. Good thing I did.

First, I needed passport photos. I took the girls to a photo shop where a nice lady had them smile brilliantly and then snapped the shots. The pictures were adorable and I was thinking of submitting them to the "Cutest Children in the World" contest I heard about on the internet. But her boss took one look at the photos and said "That will never do" with a hint of disgust to his voice. He then proceeded to stand Priya in front of the white backdrop very carefully and tell her not to move.

"No, move your head this way. THIS way. Now look right at me. No, HERE at ME. Put your arm down. DOWN. Don't smile. Now keep very still. STILL!"

What part of "This kid is three years old" did he not understand? It was even better when he got Anjali to stand very still and not smile. I think he scared her into submission. He ended up with shots of two very somber looking children. They look scared to death. He then whipped out his ruler and measured their heads in the pictures and declared "barely satisfactory." Oh, Thank Goodness.

I then looked up all the criteria for obtaining a passport for a minor. Ends up you have to have the child's official birth certificate (with a raised seal). We had never requested Anjali's birth certificate so we had to do that and wait a few weeks for it to come in. I've felt it many times just to make sure the seal is raised. Is it raised ENOUGH? Will they accept it?

I went back to the government website and read that both parents must be present at the government agency (post office) in order to submit the application. The application could only be submitted at CERTAIN post offices too. So we arranged our schedules so that we could both submit the application with the photos and the birth certificates at the RIGHT post office during WORKING HOURS.

That magical day was two days ago on a Saturday morning (squeezed between breakfast and Priya's first swimming lesson). We get into the post office and the unfriendly postal worker tells us passports are accpeted by APPOINTMENT ONLY on Saturdays. No exceptions. Two people are in line behind us. No exceptions. So I ask if there are any apppointments that we can make.

"No. None here and none (across town.)"

"Well, can we make an appointment in three weeks (which was the only time we could all get together again)?"

"No, we don't make appointments that far in advance."

I was getting exasperated, so I said "I wish this had been on the website."

"Oh, it's ON the website. Everyone says that, but we looked yesterday and it's THERE." She looked quite smug when she said it and in that instant I wanted to reach across the desk and choke the very oxygen out of her lungs.

But instead I turned four shades of red, my face pinched into a very tight glare and I stormed out of the office without a backwards glance. A nice elderly asked my "Are your daughter's twins?" as I was leaving and I just barked "No!" and kept going.

That showed HER. See if she ever mistreats ME in the post office again.

We are going tomorrow to try again. At a different post office. On a Tuesday. Cross your fingers. . .

More Great Quotes

2006-04-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

We're really having some trouble getting Priya to obey since she turned three. After our upteenth "time out" in the "naughty room" last week she was cradled in my lap crying dramatically. I told her she is a big girl now and is three years old. She sobbed and said "I want to go back to TWO!"

Meanwhile, Anjali is toddling around in the background yelling "TIME OUT! TIME OUT!" at the top of her voice. That's all the poor child knows about.

I don't think brother Mike had this problem with Hillary or Chase. They were perfect, just like him when he was a toddler. And I don't remember any of my other siblings having so much trouble obeying.

Maybe Mom will correct me on this one.

Like a Butter Dream

2006-03-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

Priya likes to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat" and finish it off with "Like a Butter Dream." She also had an interesting conversation with her Grandma last week in which she told her she did something just like her.

"You're just like me, Grandma!"

"No, Priya, I'm not like you." Mom teased

Priya smiled coyly and said "You do too like me Grandma."

If she is especially upset about something and crying dramatically she likes to ask for a kleenex to "wipe my big tears" which are "comin' down!"

She is teaching the dramatics to her sister who likes to copy her every move. Anjali, however, has developed a great meltdown technique in which she throws herself face first on the ground in utter dispair. Sometimes she hesitates a second to make sure the landing isn't obstructed by a sharp object. I'm glad she has the forethought to think about that. I'm really proud.

First In Class

2006-02-26T17:36:00.000-08:00

Brother is going to love this one.

Two days ago I spent the night in a parking lot. On purpose. Registration began at 8am Saturday morning for a wonderful preschool that had very few openings. It's an old preschool with a great reputation that is also the only nationally accredited school north of the Tennessee River in Chattanooga. Worth the wait, right? I hope so.

I got there at 7pm and there were already 11 cars there. Although I'd like to say it was tough and I was bored or cold or whatever, the truth is I loved it. I had all kinds of time to talk on the phone, chat with other parents, and watch the world's longest movie about the world's craziest man (The Aviator). That was the most peaceful night I've had in months.

And with all that I still got wait-listed for Priya's class. Anjali got the last spot in hers. The director told me to be positive, as I would pobably get Priya a spot. Oh goodness, we will see. . . .

And What Do You Do?

2006-02-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

So Husband and I just got back from Vegas. We left the girls at home with the in-laws (yes, it took three adults to take care of two toddlers!). I had planned this trip out to the last detail and couldn't wait to get started.

Of course, the first thing that we did was wait. Literally. We flew to Charlotte and our flight to Vegas was delayed. We were supposed to leave at 11:30, but the sign said 2:00pm. No problem. I'll wait.

Then the sign said 5:00pm. Okay, what's up? The plane is in need of mechanical repair, the nice gentleman tells us. Of course. Mechanical repair. And it won't be repaired at all so we're getting a different plane at 5:00pm. Lucky us.

Two margaritas and four hours later we board the plane.

While in Vegas we played a little black jack and watched a hilarious hypnosis show. Then we went on a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. Beautiful! But halfway there I got air sick. Ughhhh. I kept taking deep even breaths and willing myself not to throw up. We landed in the Canyon and had a Champagne toast. I drank Sprite. The nice pilot asked if I was sick.

"Yes," I said.

"Does this happen often to you?" He asked.

"All the time. I get sick on boats, planes, back seats of cars and now helicopters. . . "

"Did you take anything before we left?"

"No." I replied as I rubbed my arms to keep warm. I was freezing in the Canyon and only brought a short sleeved shirt.

"Oh, brilliant." He smirked. "And what is it you do?"

"Uhhh. I'm a doctor. . . "

Yeah. My brother is going to go off again on that one. I may as well own a cat and vote republican now. That would complete the Moron of the Year Award in his mind.

I was queezy for the rest of the vacation and didn't feel better until I slept 10 hours in my own bed.

Here are some great quotes I picked up from our trip:

Our Bus Driver: "Next stop, the Flamingo! Slots of Fun!"

Hypnotized woman singing a song about her favorite body part: "Do your t_ts hang low, do they wiggle to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?"

Saleslady in Forum Shops trying to sell me some cream "Ma'sm, are your nails natural?" Anyone who has seen my nails will understand that one.

Temper, Temper

2006-02-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was getting the girls ready for bed when Priya asked me why the hair brush was broken. I hesitated because I hated to tell her the truth. That I lost my temper and threw it on the floor two weeks ago after she refused to put on her pants or some such thing (I don't remember what made me so mad, but I can say it was likely something she did).

"I"m not sure why it's broken," I stalled.

"But why is it broken, Mommie?" She has found that she must repeat her question 49 times in order to get an answer.

"I just don't know, Priya. Now put your shirt on. . . "

"But why is is broken, Mommie"

"Well. . . it's because I lost my temper one day and broke the brush."

She thought about this for a minute and then said, "But what happened to your temper? Where is it? Don't worry, Mommie, it will come back. You'll find it one day. . . "

Oh, I hope so. I really really hope so.

LASIK HELL

2006-01-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while because nothing interesting has happened to me. Now, finally something has.

My brother got LASIK surgery on his eyes and declared it a piece of cake. Please understand my brother is a wimp. First class baby. He wimpers at a stubbed toe (claims it is broken) and then cries foul at all doctors' knowledge, saying they're all "dumb."

So if he could do it, so could I.

Off I go for the initial evaluation. The first office told me it would take 2-3 hours. For what? Just the evaluation? "Yes ma'am," the receptionist replied. So I cleared an afternoon (i.e. paid a nanny to watch the girls) and sat in the waiting room for an hour. Fianally I got up to ask the receptionist to reschedule.

"Didn't we tell you it would be 2-3 hours?" she snapped.

"Yes, and you haven't even started. I don't have 3 more hours to spare." I wasn't in the least bit rude.

After rescheduling, I did more research and chose another doctor to do the procedure. Ends up it cost $1100 less to do it there. I don't know why, but I liked that.

The initial consultation revealed I am an excellent candidate for the surgery (my cornea, like my thighs, is nice and thick).

I set up the date for the surgery. I guess they thought I had all the time in the world, because I was sitting in that office being shuffled from one room to another for 4 1/2 hours. FINALLY, the procedure was done. No big deal, just like Brother said. Piece of cake.

Husband drove me home and I was blind all night. My eyes stayed dilated forever. I wore the silly goggles to bed and woke up at four am with them on the floor. Oh well, I thought, and just rolled over to go back to sleep.

The next morning I really couldn't see. And something wasn't right in my left eye. It hurt. But I'm tough. I can handle it. I got the girls up, dressed and fed and put them in the car. I then drove one block and realized I was too blind to drive. No wonder they told me not to drive the day after the surgery. So I called my nanny, and being the saint that she is, she came running. She drove me to the doctor's office and waited with the girls for two hours for me to be seen. The doc looked at my eyes and told me my flaps (of cornea, which they removed to laser the eyes) had shifted and needed to be repositioned. Okay, fine. Let's do it.

Back into the O.R. and back with the numbing drops. He repositioned the flaps and this time placed some tight fitting contact lenses over them to keep them in place.

Thanks, doc. I'll see ya Tuesday.

Twenty minutes I'm moaning in agony and holding my head between my knees in the minivan. The nanny saint gets me home and put me right to bed. I take one of the narcotics that they gave me (and which I laughed about because Brother didn't need pills) and waited for them to take effect. Nothing. Meanwhile, I had all the lights out, the pillows fluffed and the goggles on. Throbbing, weird pain behind both eyes and IN them. OOOUUUCCCHHHH.

I took another narcotic and twenty minutes later went into lah lah lah land. Uuuggghhh. No wonder drug addicts like this stuff. I didn't hear another sound until husband came home four hours later wondering where the kids were.

"I don't know, honey, but I'm feeling better" I slurred.

Actually, I did know, but it just took a minute to figure it out. They were with the nanny next door (she had to babysit the neighbor's kids that night). So husband went and got them and kept them calm and quiet all evening long. I wore those awful contact lenses for 48 hours and then called the doc and asked him to please take them out, which he did (on a Sunday evening). Now, they're out and I'm slowly seeing better. The pain is also just about gone.

That is the last time I do anything just because Brother did it. The last time.

Anxiety Attack

2005-11-10T18:29:00.000-08:00

So I'm on call tonight. A call comes in from a woman who says she is having an anxiety attack. Luckily, we have electronic medical records and I can access all of it from my home computer. So while we were talking I tried to find her in our system.

"What did you say your last name was?"

"Oh, it's Smith. But my maiden name is Jones. I just got married."

"Well, I can't find you in our system. . . "

"My appointment is soon. They told me I couldn't get in for three weeks. So, I'm having this anxiety attack, and. . . "

"I'm sorry, but we can't treat someone we've never seen before (plus we don't give narcotics or anxiolytics during call hours). I also find it hard to believe you couldn't get an appointment for three weeks."

"That's because I'm a new patent. That's what they told me."

"I'm surprised by that. I had two new patient openings today. I could have seen you."

"Believe me, I would have come in. Now about that anxiety. . . "

"I cannot give you anything. I'm sorry."

"Ohhhhh noooooo! What am I going to do? Oh noooooo. Now what????" Despair dripping from her voice in thick dramatic drops.

"Well, you can go to an acute care facility like Physician's Care."

"Are they open 24 hours? Ohhhh, what will I do?"

"They are not open 24 hours, but they are open now. It's 8 pm."

"Well," she said rather huffily, "Just cancel my appointment then!"

She didn't have an appointment.

This type of thing has happened to me before. A young lady convinced me she was my partner's patient and I called in a narcotic. Stupid! Stupid! She wasn't our patient at all. But now they can't fool me. I just love this system! It's really great, though, because I can access a patient's medical record while on call. No question about what mdication they're on or what their last labs were. It's wonderful.

And in other news, Priya is using the potty! She has a magic "Royal Potty" which plays a short fanfare when she sits down and a very dramatic one when she does the deed. It's real handy except when Anjali is crawling over and putting her hand in the bowl. . . Yuck.

But I have decided some people I know need a "Royal Potty" in their own homes. They're so proud of their deed that they sit there for about 2 hours savoring the moment. Then they talk about it and actually have a debate about when one should move one's bowels. Who cares, I ask. I certainly don't. But some people feel very stongly that these things should happen at the same time every single day. Usually right after breakfast. They also claim you can "train" your body to do this on schedule. Ok, how? How do I will my bowels to move?

I guess if I can't will mine to move I can will my daughter's to move in a potty rather in her "big girl underwear."

"I Don't Like this Place"

2005-10-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Anniversary to us. Six lovely years husband and I have been married. We're not even having that six/seven year itch. I think that's because we're too busy. . .

To celebrate this monumental occasion we decided to venture out to the mountains of North Georgia and rent a cabin for the weekend.

Remote location? Yes. It was near Ellijay which is a tiny town known best for its apples.
Rustic, yet comfortable? Definately, there wasn't a DVD player and the fireplace was not gas.
Romantic? Hardly. At least not with two toddlers in tow.

We couldn't leave until husband got home from work and it is about a two hour drive. The directions were rather confusing. I got three different sets: from Google, Mapquest, and Yahoo. E McPan would have been proud. We finally decided to go with the directions Joy, the lady from the cabin rentals, gave us. We had to "stay on Walnut through Chattsworth until it dead ends. Turn right. (At a dead end?). Go left on 762 and then right. (When?). Go over the bridge and turn left right before the Hardees. (Hmmmmm). But we made it all the way to Ellijay and then turned onto Vanilla Lane (our cabin was on this street). But when they named it "Lane" they meant "dirt road barely wide enough for your car in the middle of nowhere" Lane.

No problem. We can do this. Joy's directions said to take the lane "to the end" and then take the "right turn off down the hill. Your cabin is the one in the middle." Hmmmm. After turning off twice to the right and not finding a cabin we finally got to what we thought may be the "end." To our right was a road that plummeted into the darkness at an alarmingly steep grade. No way. Surely she didn't mean THAT road. I got out of the car and tried to peer into the darkness to asertain if a cabin was down there. Husband asked me what I saw.

"Nothing. It's dark. I really think this is the way though."

He, I have discovered, is no Boy Scout. No roughin' it in the woods of Georgia for this guy. He did not want to take the chance going down that hill. I was getting so frustrated that I wanted to just drive the minivan myself. But I kept my cool and called Joy.

"Umm, Joy? We're lost. I've followed your directions and we're just not sure if this is the right path. "

She proceeded to repeat to me the exact same directions she had written down. I think she was reading them off her paper.

"But, Joy? Is the driveway to the cabin down a steep hill?"

"Well, it's not THAT steep. . . " Hmmmm. No help there, Joy.

Finally,I convince husband to go for it and we creep down the steep hill at a snail's pace. Ah ha! The cabin! It was down there!

The next morning we finally get going at around 11:00am to go to an apple orchard. I loaded up the girls and we drive off. Half way up the hill we get stuck. It's so steep I really think we're going to topple backwards. Our front wheel minivan is no match for this. Of course, it doesn't help that husband is barely moving the car. He tried two more times and then I tried (after we got the girl's out, of course), but no go. I called Joy again.

"Umm, Joy? We're stuck. We didn't know we needed to have a four wheel drive to get up this hill."

"Oh, you can do it! Just get some weight in the back of your van and creep on up. We do it all the time." (What weight did she want me to put back there? I don't generally keep extra weights in my car. Just on my butt and thighs.)

"We've tried for an hour, Joy, and it just won't work."

"Well, there is a way to do it. Now, it might sound crazy, but. . . " I interrupted her at this point and told her I wasn't going to do anything crazy with my minivan or my family. Husband excitedly told me to tell her we were just going to go home and wanted a refund for the second night's stay. Bingo! He found a way out! So I told Joy all of this and asked her to call a Tow Truck to help us out. I also asked if this happened before.

"Oh, no. Never."

"So where do I tell the tow truck company to come?"

"Just tell him you're next to Steve Smith's place."

Hmmm. How would a tow truck company know where Steve's house was in the middle of the woods unless he had been asked to go there 45 times before????

Anyway, a man and woman from the third cabin walked up and I told them our tale of woe. He smiled a very toothy grin and assurred me we could get up the mountain and wouldn't need a tow truck.

"Just take it on up and go on the outside of that last turn. You can do it!" Big toothy grin. Luckily, he offered to do it for me but let me ride along. We sped so fast up that hill I almost peed on myself. What a rush. Once were were at the top he just put it in park and said "Nice van you got here." I was too busy catching my breath to thank him for not killing me.

So we went on to the orchard (a total bust - completely campy. They didn't even have caramel apples!) and then went back to the cabin. I was determined to stick it out. This time we didn't take the van down the hill but left it at the top and walked our stuff down. I'm sure our friendly neighbor enjoyed a good laugh from that one. But husband was happy. He got to watch football and I got to play with the fire. The girls got to skip their naps and pick up sticks in the woods. At least it was a beautiful setting right next to a stream. Needless to say, as we were leaving Priya said, "I don't like this place."

So does this mean we won't be camping anytime soon?

Army of One

2005-10-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did more before 9:00am than most people do before 9:30.

I stained my deck (which was fun because nobody bothered me and I listened to great music). Okay, so I didn't stain the entire deck by 9:30, but I got started around 8:30. That's something.

Then, if that wasn't enough, I got a wireless network adapter for my Tivo, so I can publish pictures on our TV. It only took me 2 weeks and 1/2 tank of gas to figure out which adalpter was compatible with Tivo. The guys at Office Depot didn't have any idea what to tell me, and when we looked it up on the internet we didn't realize we had the wrong one (twice!). Husband was convinced it wouldn't work, but I perservered. I even submitted my rebate online! Welcome to the 21st century!

Not only that, but I also took a cooking class called "Fall into Flavor." It was a demonstration class in which this great chef cooked some Pumpkin/Apple soup, pork tenderloin with dried fruit and a great glaze, and Acorn Squash with some sort of wonderful Licquor melted in the butter. All of this was topped off with a wonderful Apple Blueberry Dessert thing. He used some type of pasty paper that was impossible to work with. I walked away thinking, "Gee, that was neat, but I won't make any of it. Husband hates bland food (soup was very bland), Husband hates pork, and I simply can't mess with phyllo pastry. Maybe I'll make the Acorn Squash dish for Thanksgiving. MMmmmmm. Who wants to come to MY house?

90 days

2005-10-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a very interesting patient.

"You won't believe what all has happened to me in the last 90 days. In July, my wife committed suicide. I was in Arizona at the time and she was in Texas. So I moved out of our house in Texas and put my things in my folk's house in Biloxi. You can guess what happened then. I lost about 60% of it all in the hurricane. Then I found out I have renal failure and need a translplant. I'm here for a referral to a nephrologist."

Now THAT'S a bad summer.

I've learned to ask patients a lot of questions about their family, homelife, and career. It really gives me an idea about who they are and what they have to deal with.

Today a lady told me she has three children.

"Well, one is deceased." she added.

"What happened?"

"She was murdered. By her broher-in-law when she was 30. She had three kids and was trying to leave her husband. His entire family is very tight in the town she was living in, like the Little Mafia. Her brother-in-law told her she absolutely would not leave and he shot her. And to my dying day I think her husband was involved."

"Why?"

"Because he took an overdose of just the right amount of sleeping pills to put him in the hospital the day before her murder."

"Where are the children now?"

"They're with their father. He remarried and is very happy, apparently."

But the story that stays on my mind is the one a lady in her early 60s told me a few weeks back. All I asked was how many children she had.

"Three."

Pause.

"But actually one died."

"Oh, how awful."

"She was two years old. I went to take a shower while she was napping and she climbed onto the stove and turned it on. She had never ever done that and I don't know why she did it then."

This was a very soft spoken woman who worked at the local fabric store. I actually met her there and have seen her there often since she came into the office.

"Her little dress caught fire and she died in the hospital four days later."

She was crying at this point, but didn't say anything further about it.

It's a story I will never forget.

Stripes

2005-10-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I spent all kinds of money on a new hairdo with highlights. This morning I asked Toddler what color hair I had and she replied "Mommy has Stripes!" Nice.

Toddler also has learned that treasures exist in her nose. She'll pull out one such slimy treasure and say "What's this?"

"It's a booger. Gross. Don't put your finger in your nose. That's yucky." A comment that means nothing to her because she promptly sticks her finger right back up in there and asks yet again "What's this?"

What is it about Toddlers and repeating the same question 46 times in one hour?

Double Stroller

2005-10-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

I went to Texas with the girls and while I was gone my nurse quit. So I had to learn how the urinalysis machine works this morning. That was fun.

I learned a lot on my trip. Everyone in the airports were so friendly when they saw me trudging along dragging two toddlers in their car seats on wheeled luggage carts. Then, when I turned too sharply and toppled one child over or tried to squeeze them into a small elevator the helpful people would say something brilliant like, "You know, I have two children (a friend with twins, two grandchildren, etc) and I use a DOUBLE STROLLER." They would say DOUBLE SROLLER loud and slow to make sure I understood.

"You don't say? Wow. . . "

I especially liked people's helpful advice when they told me why Little Bit was screeching. Not crying and not screaming. Just screeching. "She's teething (ears are popping, hungry, tired, etc)." Again, I would just nod dumbly and say "Yeah, poor thing. . . " when I knew she was none of those things. She was perfectly happy. She screeches like that all the time and I can't get her to stop. All it does is bother her big sister, who covers her ears and starts to cry herself, saying things like "Stop Screaming! My ears hurt! I'm not listening! I'm having a HARD TIME!!!"

Aren't we all?

We went to the State Fair of Texas and I had wonderful fair food. Corn dog, Tornado Fries, Caramel Apple with nuts, Nutty Bar, Pralines and hot dogs. I can't remember what I fed the girls, but I at least I ate well.

I think I'm going to suggest we make this a yearly tradition (the State Fair, that is).

I also enjoyed our visit to my brother's house. If I knew how to link I would link to his blog. Anyway, he went to the Burning Man week and wanted to tell us all his stories, but we were in mixed company. He's like a man reborn. Maybe I'll go that sometime. First, I must lose about 30 pounds and get a tan. Because people don't wear clothes there.

Cool Dat Dude

2005-09-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

I found out today that Special K reads my blog. "You can stop talking about me now," she tells me. How does she read my blog without a computer?

She is still a small person with big debt. She claims her sister is a smaller person with bigger debt. What do you say E McPan?

We treated some evacuees in our clinic today. One man was initially in the Astrodome and decided to come to Chattanooga. I asked him how he decided on that and he said they had representatives from different cities offering transportation to their towns. He had never been here, but liked what the representative said about the place. So here he is. Wow. Most of the evacuees I've talked with do not want to go back.

I have found the Red Cross efforts extremely unorganized. The left hand does NOT know what the right is doing. . . Can anyone say FEMA?

This weekend I'm going to a girl's weekend away to Atlanta. The "girls" consist of all the moms from our playgroup. Twenty four whole hours of shopping, dining, and sleeping. Heaven. Lucky for me it will be on my birthday, so I can really have fun. Maybe I'll drink an entire Margarita, or sleep in until 8:00. I might take a 15 minute shower!

Special K and I went to Wal Mart today. She has decided the Wal Mart near my house is the best in town. I ROCK! Cool dat dude! That's the Bomb! Too bad I can't talk about her anymore. She's much more interesting than me.

Gee your skin is pretty

2005-09-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

We have a lot of evacuees in our city. So I went to Red Cross to volunteer and had to go to a short class about "How to be a Volunteer." During the class the frazzled Volunteer Coordinator told us no less than three times that "These are not REFUGEES, these are EVACUEES!! They're one of us! The word refugee means someone from another country. These are AMERICANS!!!" Several people in the class started nodding and saying "Amen!" under their breath. Was anyone arguing with her? Did we walk in the class loudly discussing the "state of the refugees. . . "?? Anyway, small point, but it had to be made.

We have two shelters right now with about 150 people between them and loads and loads of people scattered in homes/hotels throughout the city. I really like my new office because the people in it are WONDERFUL. The owner is a Nurse Practitioner and she came up with the idea to have evacuees come to our office for medical care. She even worked out transportation with buses from her son's school. Needless to say, the Red Cross is thrilled. They're thinking about 300 more evacuees will be flown in soon, but it's just a rumor.

And on to other news. . .

Special K has left the building. She moved out two days ago and is in her new apartment with her new roommate, bed, couch and an assortment of other furnishings. Here is a list of things I discovered about her during her stay.

1. If she could choose any food to sustain her for the rest of her life it would consist of cereal, bananas, powdered donuts, honey buns, and tea.
2. She is the world's biggest slob (but swears she will keep the shared space in her apartment neat).
3. She is addicted to the internet (and doesn't own a computer).
4. She know her GAP.
5. She often talks like an '80's Valley Girl who just took a hit of amphetimines (i.e. I can't understand her and when I do I don't know what some words mean).
6. She is a very little person with very big debt.

The End.

Now she is living across town and will come visit periodically, I guess. Toddler asked about her today, so I think we'll have to visit her soon. Her roommate is African American, and when Toddler met him she walked up to him and said "Ohhhh! Your skin is so PRETTY!!" He smiled benignly and said "Thanks. Your eyes are so blue!" She looked at him knowingly and said "I know. . . " Oh, what to do?

Insufficient Funds

2005-08-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I tried to withdrawal funds from my checking account to pay the nanny. I was told I had insufficient funds. WHAT??? I don't have any money? That's right, the ATM replied. You're flat broke and no money in this machine has your name on it. Don't ask again.

So I walked back to Special K's car (since mine is getting the dent knocked out and repainted) and called to see how many checks had bounced. Four, the man told me. Hmmmm. What's the damage? $224, he replied. Okay. I'll go right home and tell Husband. He'll be SOOOOO excited to hear the news.

Special K is a pro at bouncing checks and told me all about when I should deposit a check to cover my @#* for the next few days. I don't think I've bounced a check for over 15 years. Maybe I've never done it. Luckily the Pro was with me.

Meanwhile, the Scary Storm came last night and dropped a bit of rain and a few gusts of wind on us. In West Texas winds of 50 mph were common. Here a wind gust like that causes absolute panic. But that's because it knocks down every tree within three feet of a power line. So I've had sporadic power at the house today. Where is FEMA when you need them? Do I qualify for disaster relief? I need to pay a few bills and have INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. . .

Gee Your Hair Looks Terrific

2005-08-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

I have a great haircut. I think.

Yesterday I went to a new person for my haircut since mine wasn't working. This was stressful since it is really hard for me to find a hairstylist willing to work with my mop. Most stylists tentatively approach my head with a look of trepidation mixed with genuine fear while they reach out to touch the wiry stuff with words like "Gee, your hair sure is thick/coarse/grey/wiry/unruly, isn't it?" Hmmmm, you don't say? I've never noticed. . .

Anyway, Special K and I drove thirty minutes to go to a stylist a patient of mine highly recommended. It took forever to color and cut and I was running so late I had to ask my nanny to let my fav neighb watch the girls for thirty minutes since she needed to leave. And of course on the way out of the parking lot I hit another car. Yes, I have already put two obvious dents in my brand new minivan.

Husband was incredibly nice about it. He has learned that getting mad at me does NOT help. I feel bad enough about it without his comments. So he quietly inspected the damage and suggested I just get it fixed. Easy. I sure like him. . .

He never did comment on my hair.

Which Knees?

2005-08-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was on call this past weekend when the pager went off late Friday night. The text message said the patient's knee was swollen. When I called her back she told me both her knees were swollen. I wasn't really awake when I asked,

"Wait. Which knees are swollen?"

She hesitated for a second and said "Um. . . the right AND the left?"

Oh, to have an idiot like me as your doctor.

Later Sunday evening Special K (little sis) came home from work and filled Husband and I in on her love life. There she was in her size 2 jeans (which were too big, by the way) and her top which showed off her collar bones, since that's one of her better features. Husband and I were both exhausted and sprawled out on the couch while the girls crawled all over us like ants at a picnic. Anyway, it seems a young man at work has a crush on Special K, but he won't do anything about it except follow her around and tease her. Meanwhile the gang from work went out to a gay bar and the ONE single guy there (who happens to be quite cute) hit on Special K. He then came into her place of work yesterday, which infuriated the Boy With Crush. AAAhhhh, the Drama. As Special K told us this story and expounded on the difficulties of balancing said Love Interests I reflected on what different lives we have. My joy of the day was crawling around after Little Bit playing chase. She loves that game. I hadn't had a shower and my weekend outfit wasn't really flattering. I couldn't remember when I contemplated the Delimnas of my Love Life, or if I ever had any to begin with.

I'm not complaining, though. I prefer chasing Little Bit any day.

Gymbaby

2005-08-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today I took Toddler to gymnastics. Ooohh what fun we had. When she walked across a balance beam and then slid down a mat into the foam pit I almost wet myself with pride. I have visions of her competing at the elite level and working for the olympic trials in 12 short years. All because she can hang on a bar like a monkey.

I need a life.

I Don't Like Blogs

2005-08-18T19:42:00.001-07:00

So Little Sis was sitting on my floor last night while I read our sister's blog. "Have you read E.McPan's blog lately?" I asked.

"I don't read her blog." she replied with a resolute look on her face.

"But it's so funny! She is a riot!"

"Don't you KNOW? I don't like blogs." she huffily replied. "They're just an excuse for people not to have conversations with each other and instead talk into a computer without forming relationships. . . blah blah blah"

I find this comment very interesting coming from a young woman who spends 86% of her time in her room grooming herself or reading a novel or something or other. When she does venture out it's to answer my questions with one word sentences or "I don't know." Sigh. Huff. Eye rolling. The relationships aren't forming too rapidly somedays. Maybe if I email her we'll get somewhere. . .

At least I know I can talk about her all I want on this very public forum. She'll never stoop so low as to read it.

Summer of Slovenly Appearance

2005-08-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hello Internet World. I am alive and kicking. I've just been busy/lazy/distracted and haven't blogged in a while. Here's the scoop. My very little sister is visiting this summer and it has been a real eye opening experience. She is five feet tall and weighs somewhere between 97 and 99 pounds. The last time I weighed that was in fifth grade. True story.

Anyway, she is very fashion/makeup/beauty conscious and I am not. You would think I would have a thing or two to teach her since she is thirteen years younger than me. Not Happening.

I've discovered I should tweeze my eyebrows, get pedicures for my feet, wax my upper lip and hairy chin, and consider a tan. I cannot for the love of mankind wear horizontal stripes (or wide vertical ones) nor should I wear any heavy fabrics. I've learned to avoid busy material (especially if the background is dark or the print is large) because it just makes me look larger. I need to stop wearing clunky boring shoes and try for a little bit more heel and pointier toe (but not too pointy!). Pants must be low on the hip and dark. No stripes. Not high waisted.

While learning all of these things in the middle of a rather hectic shopping binge last week she finally turned to me and asked "Don't you ever groom yourself?"

I just grunted in my big hairy apelike way and went back to picking ticks out of my hair.

But I am getting better. The other day I picked out a shirt and asked her if it would be okay. "NO!" she shrieked with a big heavy sigh. I slowly went to put it back when she grabbed it and asked "And WHY isn't this one good for you?" in her best most patronizing tone.

"Because the neck line is too high? It's too busy? The grade of fabric is too heavy????" I answered quite desparately.

"Right" she said. Then she waltzed off to another rack of clothes. I was left there sweating. Which one was it? What's the answer? What do I do???

Med school was easier than this.

TiVolution

2005-06-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

I frequently become upset with Husband because he watches so much TV. It has taken several months, but we have succeeded in keeping the TV off until the girls go to bed. So when he finally gets to watch, the pickins are somewhat slim. I therefore decided to buy him the TiVo system so his TV watching would be more efficient. I mean, come on, how many episodes of CSI and American Chopper can one man watch?

I put the entire system together yesterday and it only took eight hours. I now understand video/audio cables, IR cables, and cable boxes in general. After hooking everything up (no small feat with our entertainment system arranged the way it is) I dutifully answered every little question it asked about our cable program, zip code, area code, cable box, etc. I thought it might ask me my favorite color. I was ready. But it worked at the end of the day. Awesome. I rock.

Last night he set the programs he wanted to record in case he misses them. Guess what he put in?

CSI and American Chopper.

Lovely.

Potty Talk

2005-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Toddler is almost ready to potty train. As such, we have many discussions about poo poo and pee pee. Here are a few examples of these actual conversations.

"Mommy change diaper! Mommy change poo poo diaper!"

"Okay, come over here so I can change it and put a fresh one on. Oh my, this is a poo poo diaper!"

"I wanna see it! I wanna see it! I wanna see poo poo diaper!"

"Okay, I heard you. But be still so I can clean you up. There, now see it? It's a big poo poo."

"Yay poo poo diaper! I wanna flush it! I wanna flush it!"

"Okay, calm down. Let's go in the bathroom. There it goes, now you can flush it."

"Bye bye Peeya's poo poo! That was a BIG poo poo! Bye bye poo poo!"

This happens every single day. I must always show her what her body eliminated, rather it is urine or stool. She just wants to see (but then, don't we all take a little peek?). What gets bad is when she discusses my body habits in a public bathroom. We were in Target the other day when this very thing happenned.

"Mommy needs to go to the bathroom. Mommy's going POO POO!!!!"

"No, Priya, I'm not. Now please don't talk so loud. . . "

"OOOhhh, Mommie's going poo poo! Flush Mommie! Bye-bye Mommie's poo poo!!!"

I just cringe as we walk out.

When Little Bit gets a diaper change she has to see that too. And she likes to help clean her up. I don't think I'll let Little Bit know that little detail when they're older.

Toddler is also in a "everything must be clean" phase. If her bib gets dirty when she eats she insists I change it.

"BIIIIB! Mommy change Peeya's bib! It's durrrty! Hurry Mommy! Hurry!"

We may go through three bibs during one meal. She won't listen when I try to explain the purpose of the bib. It simply MUST be changed NOW.

It was a bit of a trying weekend. Her ears are both infected, again, and she was wheezing so bad we had to start steroids and breathing treatments. I'm really praying I don't get the "We need to think about tubes" talk from her pediatrician when we go in tomorrow. Ugghhh.

What I learned today

2005-05-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today I learned how to fix my printer. All by myself.
I learned how to apply for a new medicare provider number, how to apply for malpractice insurance, how to hire a nurse, and how to arrange for a date with my husband. We're going to see Star Wars.

I still need to learn how to obtain private insurance credentials, how to work with electronic medical records, and how to get Little Bit to eat more solid food without throwing up all the time.

I've mastered how to choose the wrong paint for my wall (should have gone with eggshell finish), how to kill a plant, and how to nurture a sick Beta fish back to health. Okay, no nursing involved. I just fed it and it survived. But I did learn how to transfer it to another bowl without causing major stress to the poor thing.

I've learned how to hold an impromptu pool party involving three different pools and seven children without anyone drowning. Steep learning curve there.

I want to learn how to grow pretty fingernails and lose 15 pounds.

I'll soon learn what it's like to take Toddler to "Mommy and Me" gymnastics class. Wish me luck.

That's it. I start my new job on June 20th, officially. Private practice here I come!

2005-05-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

Toddler in the garden. She loves her new garden gloves. Everything in pink.

2005-05-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

Little Bit really does smile. Just not for pictures. . .

2005-05-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Toddler giving kisses. I don

2005-05-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Toddler in her favorite chair.

2005-05-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

This is how Little Bit likes to eat. Hands waving in the air like mad. . .

All is Not Lost. . .

2005-05-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Update. I may have found a new practice to join. I met a wonderful Nurse Practitioner today who owns her own practice and is looking to have a doc join on. She isn't asking me to buy in, just share overhead. I really like her because she strikes me as fair, honest and hardworking. She also isn't out to make a million dollars, but wants the business to work. My gut says this is a great opportunity and I wouldn't have to work for "Big Brother" anymore. I love the idea of having control. Less pay, certainly, but control. It's worth it.

Stay tuned.

The Terminator

2005-05-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you in the family know, I was "terminated without cause" last week. It was all very sudden and a very hard pill to swallow. I have no idea why they decided to terminate my contract, but I guess this is what the corporate world is like. Mental note: doctors don't belong in the corporate world.
My patients are being told I have left the practice and will not be back. I feel like I've just abandoned them (which I have). I spent more than a year developing solid relationships with them and now it's over. No warning to either party. What they don't know is that this was not my choice. They probably think I was fired or just lost my mind and quit.
All of this leaves me with the question of what to do with my life now. Do I work? Do I stay home and be a full time Mom? Can I find a job which allows me to do both without losing my mind?

If anyone out there has the answer please let me know. I'll be here.

2005-05-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

After a long weekend playing in the park and drinking warm formula (or cold beer), these guys are wiped out. You decide who had the formula.

Happy Mother's Day!

2005-05-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

You never realize how wonderful your mother is until you become a parent yourself. All those so called "grievences" you carried in your twenties disappear when you make your first seventeen mistakes raising your own daughter. You swear you're going to do "everything absolutely right" and have the happiest baby/toddler on the block. You buy age appropriate toys and make difficult decisions regarding solid food and potty training.

And then one Mother's Day you call your own mom and wish her a Happy Mother's Day and, although the conversation is a pleasant one, you realize she really doesn't have any idea how much she means to you. How do you put those feelings into words?

It finally hit me when I said to a friend the other day "I'm just like my Mom!"

Of course, I'm like her in tangible ways in that I have her smile and dark hair. I'm learning to sew (which she does quite well), would like to learn to quilt (another talent of hers), and wish my garden was half as pretty as hers. I drive a minivan (she spent years driving a real van), and I could spend an entire weekend reading a good novel. But when I made that statement I meant that I'm like her because I love my children more than anything in the world. Just as she loves hers.

I'm so blessed to have been raised by her. She was a thoughtful, kind, and imperfect Mom. I'm hoping I can do half as well raising my own children.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you more than you know.

Wild Kingdom

2005-05-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

We had a great vacation. The weather was perfect, the rental house was wonderful and the girls really enjoyed themselves. We went to Sea World and Animal Kingdom. Husband's parents and brother came too and his mom cooked three meals for us. First, everyone gave her a hard time for bringing TONS of food along, but they sure shut up when they realized she had made yet another great meal. I wish I could cook like that.

Toddler loved swimming. That was the bomb in her mind. She doesn't understand that humans don't float. I will try to attach a picture if I get a chance. Little Bit relaxed in the baby floatie and took in some rays.

Later, Toddler made up a song about "Little Mommie." She sung this song to the tune of "Oh I Wish I was a Little Bar of Soap." It went something like this:

Oh Little Little Mommie!
Oh Little Little Mommie!
Oh Little Little Mommie!

over and over and over again. Clever, huh?

The only hard part of the trip occurred on the first day. I took the girls in for a quick well child visit to the pediatrician before we left and he announced that they both had ear infections. So before we got on the plane I doped them up with Motrin, Benadryl and an antiobiotic. Big mistake. Toddler almost crawled out of her skin she was so irritable. Benadryl does NOT work with her. And I should win some award for changing a dirty diaper in the airplane's lavoratory during turbulance. Man, I'm good. So there we were with fussy Toddler and sleeping Little Bit, a DVD player going and Teddy Grahams all over the floor on the airplane. Husband looked at me and said "We must be CRAZY!!!." At that point we didn't have much choice but to suck it up (seeing as how we were 30,000 feet up and hovering somewhere over southern Georgia). I could have used a one way bus ticket to Las Vegas at that point.

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Both girls are still having some fevers and a dry cough. Last night Little Bit threw up three times before going to bed. Thank you, child. I love the smell of vomit all over my shirt and your third pair of clean pajamas.

You Don't Own Me

2005-04-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

Apparantly Big Brother thinks he owns me. He bought shares of my blog and has ordered me to post more often. So here it is on a Friday night and the girls are asleep and my hair is wet (first shower this week!) and I stink from my sunless tanner. But I have a beautiful bronze glow to hide my cellulite on my massive thighs. And with that lovely image. . .

Husband is asleep on the floor. He has been working his ass off all week and we were talking about the girls, work, etc, and he fell asleep. Poor thing. He just woke up and rolled over. He is in the fetal position. Somebody do something!

I've put both girls in the same room! Oh, what a big step! Last night was the first night and Toddler woke up Little Bit at 2:00 am. Tonight they both went to sleep at 9:08!!! Heaven!!! I really think they'll enjoy being in the same room. I know I enjoyed sharing a room with my lovely sisters for years on end. My younger sister is a saint. She had to put up with a lot of neurotic behavior on my part. And it only got worse as I hit junior high. Luckily, I got my own room by then. I plan on splitting Toddler and Little Bit up when they hit 12 or 13. Unless they just want to stay roomies. . .

Both girls are sick with colds. Lots of green crud bubbling out of their noses all week long. Husband has hardly been around to see it, but did manage to catch the cold two days ago.

Toddler learned how to blow bubbles in the bathtub tonight. And I don't mean from her bottom! She was pretty pleased with herself. I think I'll start teaching her to swim this summer.

And Little Bit learned to vomit behind my back. Two nights ago I spent an hour getting Toddler to sleep (ears infected AGAIN) and finally checked on Little Bit at around midnight. She was sound asleep and covered in vomit. Her hair was matted with it and the bed was soaked. Gross. So she had a bath at midnight. Didn't even cry. I love that kid!

We're going to Orlando to Sea World in three days. I've rented all the equipment and have the ticket confimation numbers set. I'm ready. This WILL be a seamless, fun, relaxing vacation. And if the girls are not enjoying themselves I will give them some sage advice handed down to me by my dear father. "Smile, damnit!"

Are you Drunk or What?

2005-04-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

The other night I went to eat dinner with some friends. Now, they have two children about my girls' age and we picked Prom night when the kids were hungry and antsy. But that wasn't the problem. After waiting 20 minutes to get to a table I was told they didn't have enough high chairs. No problem, I'm flexible. So I put toddler in a booster chair. Meanwhile, Little Bit began crying and wouldn't stay in the stroller. I was trying to keep toddler occupied, keep Little Bit calm and pick out dinner for myself and Husband (who was at work). It didn't take but three minutes for Toddler to fall out of her chair and onto her face on the floor. She erupted into screams and sixteen pairs of eyes turned to stare. No problem, people stare all the time. But then this heavy set man came over and began yelling at my friend's husband. He told him to take his kids outside and don't come to the restaurant with his kids, etc, etc. My friend's husband (a Saint) told him we had just as much right to be there as anyone else. Then the man said "If you can't afford a babysitter, then don't come!" That was a stupid comment all on it's own since my friend's husband is an orthopedic surgeon and can certainly afford a babysitter. But he didn't get mad. He just looked at him and said "This conversation is over. Get out of my face."
I, of course, was furious. My hands were shaking I was so mad. So I put Toddler back in her seat and tried to calm my nerves while calming Little Bit. Meanwhile, Toddler fell AGAIN and hit the floor. I felt horrible. I finally took her outside to calm both of us down. I also waited until Mr. Butthead got up to leave and gave him a piece of my mind. A small piece, but a piece just the same.
"Are you drunk to be acting that way?" I asked. I then told him that I was this child's mother and he shouldn't have yelled at my friend's husband. He said "What kind of mother lets her child fall out of a chair TWICE??" A terrible one. A negligent one. A tired, confused and frustrated one.
But at least I'm not a butthead.
I wish I had quick and witty retort. But I didn't. I just sputtered and stalked off. Ugghhh.

And here is a sample of some great quotes I've heard this week.

"Jeffry Dalhmer grew up in a strict religious family, but he lost his religion during his killing spree." -From an A&E documentary

"That's so cute!" -Toddler's current response to any shirt you show her.

"Ted Bundy was a Republican." Of couse! - From an A&E documentary.

I Brake for Valium

2005-04-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

So the other day I drove my new shiny minivan to work with the emergency brake on the entire way. That's roughly 20 minutes. I wondered why it didn't have much pick up and go. It took me all day to get the courage to tell Husband. He very carefully started breathing through his nose so as to not say something he would regret. Finally, he asked "Didn't you realize it was on?"

Hmmmm. Let's think about that. Should I say "Yes, dear. I was aware the whole time but thought I'd go ahead and keep it on in case a true emergency arose. I would be quite prepared with my emergency brake already applied." Or should I say "No, I had no idea it was on. Nobody told me. The car didn't bing or ding or make any noise to alert me. It's Toyota's fault."

But, instead, I just cut him a look that said "That is one of those questions you don't ask your wife if you want to live to see 40." He got the message.

And yesterday a patient fired me. He didn't say anything to me but his girlfriend called the office later and told the office manager I wouldn't refill his medications and laughed at him. Yes, that's me. I like to refuse much needed medical treatment and giggle at patients' suffering. It's just so darn funny!!!

Ends up he takes too much of a certain sedative and also drinks too much of a certain alcohol along with it. Silly me. I wouldn't let him have more sedatives. Of course, I also didn't give him any antibiotics for his viral sinus infection. Bad doctor! Bad doctor! He refuses to see me again, but would gladly accept another refill of his sedative while he looks for another physician.

I'm including a great picture of Little Bit. Her two eyeteeth have come in and her two bottom front teeth are in so she looks like she has little fangs. They're rather sharp, as those of us who have put our fingers in her mouth have discovered. Ask Husband. He yelps everytime he does it but keeps going back for more.

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Two-burty

2005-04-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

And let the fun begin. . .

Today is Toddler's birthday. She is two. Fav Neighb gave me an article about two years olds and how this time should be called Two-burty since two year olds act like they're in puberty without the acne. So true.

We had a really fun day celebrating her birthday. Husband's family was here and some close friends came over for a casual lunch and birthday cake. No fancy decorated cake. No ponies or clowns. Not even a theme. All the cake had on it were two pathetic little candles. But, hey, that's all Toddler wanted. She wouldn't have known the difference if twenty other toddlers were running around or if Nemo was all over the paper plates and balloons. She just enjoyed standing there trying to blow out her two little candles and only succeeding in giving the cake a nice spit bath. Afterwards she said "I wanna open presents!" and she climbed down off her chair and did just that. She had a ball.

I was so wrapped up in the party that I forgot to feed Little Bit. After six hours without food she began wailing. I'm terrible. Just awful. Somebody fire me.

But even if I'm a failure as a mother, I at least look like I know what I'm doing. When I'm driving, that is. We just got our new minivan. It is so nice and shiny!!! Hee hee hee. I played with all the bells and whistles for a while tonight. Husband said I better enjoy it since it's the only car I'm going to get for 15 years. Right. Then he cleaned out the SUV until it sparkled (since we traded in his car and he is going to drive the SUV now). He was disgusted with the things he found in there. "No food or drink in the new car!" he roared. OK, honey. You tell Toddler that when she is screaming for juice halfway between here and nowhere. I'd like to see how long that lasts.

He then went inside, got on the internet and looked at his Dream Cars. The latest is a Mercedes CLS500 or something like that. It costs about as much as a small house. He always talks big but never buys big. I told him to buy the Ford Festiva and get it over with. It gets good gas mileage and will get him from here to there. I think he said No to that one. I suggested it and left the room quickly.

I should quit blogging. I'm giving a talk to some women next week about hormone replacement therapy and I haven't even finished my slides. See, I'm a failure as a mother and as a doctor.

But my minivan sure is shiny!

Easter

2005-03-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

Here is Toddler enjoying her new water table. She really loves that thing.

And here is Little Bit this sitting with her Nanny

Nanny put Toddler's hair in pigtails so I had to take a picture.

Clean and Dry

2005-03-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

A few days back a patient called and said she accidentally washed her prescription for pain medication with her clothes and needed another one. I asked her to bring the old one in (because I trust no one these days) and I would write her another. She finally brought in the crumbly and barely legible prescription and I wrote her a new one. Before the nurse took it to her she asked me if I had any special instructions for her.

"Yeah, tell her Dry Clean Only." Heh heh heh

I'm so clever.

And in other news, Husband is angry because toddler is talking like a Southener. One of her nanny's is from Alabama and we've decided to blame her. She says things like "Deener" instead of Dinner and "Deeown" in stead of Down. Drives him crazy. Of course, toddler knows it and teases him everytime he walks in the door. I told him we shouldn't raise her in the South if he doesn't want her to talk that way.

Speaking of, family sometimes asks me to relate more Southern terms I learn in my practice. Here is a list of the current ones:

Liter = muscle
Kernel = lymph node
Pone = fat pad (or loaf of corn bread)
Fall Out = to faint
Nature is bad = impotence
Sugar = diabetes
All Stoved up = stiff (from arthritis)
Dizzy Headed = dizzy
Vomickin = vomit
Once't day = Once a day
Twice't day = Twice a day
Chest is tired = Chest pain
Diarareer = diarrhea
Foggy Headed = stupid

And to E.McPan - I didn't mean to imply you don't do anything outside of blogging. That's just it. I can't believe you accomplish as much as you do and still manage to blog that much! I can't do that. I'm too foggy headed.

Pictures!

2005-03-25T11:03:00.001-08:00

I've just figured out how to put pictures on my blog! Watch out world, here we come! I'm going to post pics for family (since they're the only ones who read my little blog anyway). Enjoy!

Here is Little Bit sitting up and quite proud of herself.

Here, Mom, is how the cute jacket and hat fit toddler. She's so happy to have it on!!

Will Blog for Money

2005-03-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

My sister, E.McPan, is the most amazing blogger. The girl must have hours of time on her hands because she writes a new blog about every 8 minutes. Seriously. I don't understand this at all since she is a law student and makes As in all her classes. When she was home for Thanksgiving another sister with two children said she just couldn't get to her computer to read the blogs. E McPan was somewhat incredulous. "What? Was something in front of it?" Yes. Children. Work. Life.

So I read recently that you can make money blogging. One man does it and is a part time law professor. He put a tip can on his blog site and there you go. Now advertisers are on his site and he makes about $3,000 a month. Since E.McPan is so interesting and gifted I think she too ought to make some extra money too.

As for me, I'm lucky to blog something once a month. But that's okay, because I don't have many interesting things to say anyway.

And let it be known that George W. Bush has no right to let the federal courts micromanage my health care or the care of any of my patients. If I want to die peacefully in the privacy of my home I will do it. No Republican is going to stop me.

But I did sleep at the Holiday Inn Express. . .

2005-03-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

You know your doctor's an Idiot when:

You tell her you had a double mastectomy twenty years ago and she asks you when your last mammogram was.

You tell her you're having chest pain and she asks "So where is the pain, exactly?"

She stops you in the middle of a sentance and says "Wait, go back. I didn't hear anything you just said." Yet she was looking right at you the whole time.

She walks into the room and introduces herself and asks "Have I seen you before?" This would be fine if it wasn't the third time you had seen her in the last two months.

You tell her you had a hysterectomy ten years ago and she asks "So when was your last menstrual cycle?"

And on the flip side: You know your patient is not quite with it when:

You ask them when they had their appendix removed and they say "Right after I had my knee replaced." Oh, okay. I was sitting right there, and I remember that day fondly. . .

You ask them to describe their pain and even give examples such as "crampy, dull, sharp, etc" and all they can say is "It just hurts." Okay. Where does it hurt? "Everywhere." Okay, how long has it been hurting? "A while" Hmmm, how long, exactly , is a while? "Well, it started after I had my appendix taken out." And when was that? "Right after I had my knee replaced. . . "

You ask them if they're allergic to any medications and they say "Oh yes. Benadryl." Oh. How is one allergic to allergy medicine?

Listen Here Little Missy

2005-03-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today an elderly man who had undergone surgery a couple of weeks ago came to see me. His incision had become infected and he had just finished a week of antibiotics the surgeon had given him. It still hasn't healed, so he came to see me. Me, the internist. Me, the one who was not even remotely involved in his surgery.

After examining him I decided he may need drainage of this infection and wisely suggested he go back to the surgeon. This really made him angry. "I knew you would tell me that. Listen, all you guys do is send me back to the surgeons. I know what I need, little missy. In my day we didn't have doctors, we just treated ourselves. I've been around here a lot longer than you and what I need is some antibiotics. I'm tired of you docs sending me all over the place and always acting scared that you're going to be sued. But if you want me to go to the surgeon I'll do it. Just make the appointment and I'll be on my way. I guess you can't do anything else. . . "

I wrote him a prescription for the antibiotics and he huffed out of the room. I'm glad I went to four years of medical school, three years of residency and put myself into six figure debt so I could learn how to write the prescriptions my patients tell me to write. It was all worth it.

2005-02-23T06:48:00.000-08:00

Last night Husband said "You go to bed and I'll get up with the girls if they wake up. You need to rest!" So I dutifully went to bed at 9:30 and promptly woke up at 10:30 when Little Bit (seven month old) was crying. Husband was in the other room on the computer so I went in and told him. Later she woke up again (around 1:00 am) and he kept on sleeping. So I went in and tried to get her back to sleep (hard to do with her persistent cough). It took about an hour. At 4:00 am Toddler woke up and wanted "Mommie lay down!" After about 10 minutes I gave up trying to get her to sleep because we were both wide awake and I was in the process of coughing up my right lung. So I decided to take a shower. It's all about time conservation. I knew I wouldn't have time for a shower before work so why just sit around waiting to get back to sleep? Husband finally woke up then and said "But I didn't hear the girls crying!" Of course you didn't, silly. I knew you wouldn't. But it was a sweet gesture just the same.

Now I've lost my voice completely and my throat is on fire. I've hacked up one lung and am working on the other. Little Bit continues to have a low grade fever and Toddler has been introduced to the "Naughty Chair" because of her incredible behavior. Yes, I stole that from Supernanny, but it works!

And in other news, Husband is haggling with a Toyota dealership over the internet to get us a new minivan! He really knows his business and we're saving quite a bit by doing this over the internet. Go Husband!

The House of The Damned

2005-02-21T19:50:00.000-08:00

The entire family is sick. Husband has the flu with body aches, fever and cough. Toddler has ear infections, won't eat ANYTHING, and is extremely CRANKY. Seven month old has a cold with high fevers that kept her up most of Saturday night. I have a cold and pharyngitis. I'm the lucky one. I've been vomited on six times, toddler thinks I'm her walking snot rag, and husband wonders what's for dinner. "I'm hungry" he says. So I oblige and make him some of his favorite comfort food. I think he is happy. He grunts.

It was a weekend of testing our limits as parents. You hate to see your children suffer, but you just want to go to bed yourself and wish they would take the antibiotic, or drink their juice, or sleep, or just stop begging to be held so you could get some sleep yourself.

By Sunday morning I cried UNCLE! I called my wonderful nanny and asked her to PLEASE come over after church just so we could get some rest. Just for one hour??? She is so nice that she declared herself on "Grandma Duty" and she came over and cleaned the nasty kitchen, vaccummed the den, folded laundry and played with Toddler Crankpot. I ran to the store and bought much needed food. Later, my Favorite Neighbor (or "Fav Neighb" as we call her) came over unannounced with Lasagna. Delicious home made Lasagna and my favorite cookies. How did she know? Word must have gotten out from the play group moms. We all have a radar for each other's kids' illnesses. That, and we want to stay as far away from them as we can.

Husband is blowing loads of junk out of his nose and announced today that he thinks this stuff would make great lubrication for car parts. That's just gross.

So after the Weekend of the Damned I went to work this morning.

There are three of us docs in our practice. We're all female, all about the same age, and have all have had a child this year. Doc # 3 just had her second little boy two days ago and we're covering for her while she is gone. I walked into an office with about one hundred charts to be reviewed. Seriously. And Monday is the day for sick people to crawl into the office begging for Z-packs and Hydrocodone. But given all that work and craziness, I felt like I was on a vacation compared to what we went through this past weekend. I LOVE MONDAYS!

This is My Life

2005-02-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

This week has been so busy I've hardly had time to talk with anyone. So I'll just blog the main points of my week.

My daughter (almost 2 yo) became sick Monday and developed a temp of 104.5 twice. We had to wrap her in cool towels and put her in a tepid bathtub to bring it down. She had temps up to 103.5 for the next two days and felt awful. Finally they broke and she started to recover for the next two days. This morning, however, she developed another temp of 102.5 and wouldn't eat or do much of anything except watch "Bee-o" (Baby Einstein videos). I took her back to the pediatrician and she now has two bad ear infections. Poor thing. I paid $50 for the antibiotic just because it is a once a day medication and getting any meds down her is an act of God.

My husband became sick two days ago with severe sore throat and body aches. He cannot take a day off work because in his type of medicine patients "prep" for their colonoscopies the night before and if anyone other than George W himself cancels their procedure they may kill someone. So he went to work with fevers and sinus congestion, etc.

The last time he did this he had an ear infection too and was just about to do a colonoscopy on a patient when he became so dizzy he almost passed out. I had to cancel several of my patient's appointments to go pick him up. He was the butt of many jokes after that. (Pun fully intended).

We are trying to buy a minivan but we can't decide between the Honda Odyssey and the Toyota Sienna. I test drove an Odyssey on Wednesday and decided I liked the Toyota better. An hour and a half after the test drive I found the key to the Odyssey in my pocket. The car salesman must have been panicked because he didn't even know my name. I called him back and after a ten minute hold by the operator he came to the phone. Our conversation was something like this:

"Hi, Frank, this is the lady that test drove the Odyssey with you earlier today."

"DO YOU HAVE MY KEY?!!!!!"

"Yes, I've got it right here. Now, if you give me $2,000 dollars cash your manager may not have to find out about this. If you refuse, I simply give him a call and let him know what an idiot he has for an employee to let you give the keys to the new cars out to total strangers. What do you say?"

Okay, that was a fantasy. I actually just told him I had the key and would bring it by after my doctor's appointment. He was quite relieved.

Yesterday I installed a motion detector for the light switch in our bedroom. Okay, I started the project but the husband finished it. I have to try to sneak around and do projects around the house, because once he catches wind of it he comes running to "do it right." I'm a good sport, but I'm worried about when we retire and spend too much time in the house together. I may not get to do anything except the laundry, dishes and household chores. I'll be so bored.

The motion detector, by the way, only works if you're about 20 feet away. It has a hard time sensing motion right in front of it. Weird. It must have been put in wrong. . .

Well, my six month old just threw up on the husband. Maybe I should help clean him up. Can I handle that job?

See A World

2005-01-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

I've finally done it. I've made the final plans and reservations for our trip to Sea World this Spring. It's hard to figure out where to take a 9 month old and 2 year old. Would they enjoy the Grand Canyon? What about Big Sky, Montana? Ahh Heck, who am I kidding? They'll be happy/miserable/unpredictable wherever we go. But we'll be going in style. I insisted on a decent resort to stay in for a good price, and found it this afternoon. It only took me seventeen hours of sorting through 1,256 hotels to find it. And reading the reviews about all of them gets very tiring. Some people are soooo picky. For example:
"Our room was not exactly clean. I checked under the bed, behind the dresser, inside all the drawers and on the window sills and found a smidgon of dust. We certainly won't stay HERE again."
Oh, please. Don't ever come to my house, then. And why check behind the dresser? Will you be eating off that wall?
Anyway, we're only staying four nights and bringing loads of baby stuff. Two ginormous car seats, one ginormous double stroller, two booster seats, a portable potty seat, bottles, and. . . wait a minute. I may be able to rent this stuff from some rental place. I've done it before. Yay! Back to the internet to search for more vacation stuff. This is really exhausting. . .

Which vagina do I use?

2005-01-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

A patient came to see me yesterday and through our discussion I discovered she was in need of some vaginal hormone cream. I wrote her a prescription and sent her on her way. Today she called my nurse and asked how to use the cream. "Just use it as prescribed," she told her. "But it says to put 2 grams into BOTH vaginas," she said. "What other place am I supposed to put it in?" The nurse thought about it a second and said "I guess just put it in your ear. It will meet up eventually. . . "

Honest to God true story.

Ya gotta love the South.

Blankeeeeee!!!!

2005-01-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

I did a really stupid thing two years ago. I bought a yellow receiving blanket and constantly put it in my daughter's crib. She eventually became attached to it and now, at 21 months, is obsessed with it. She drags it everywhere and it gets extremely dirty. Today I washed it and that was the longest hour and a half of my life. You would have thought I was cutting off her right arm the way she screamed. So I vowed to find some extra blankets to have on reserve.

The problem is that this particular blanket has been discontinued. Luckily I have found two on ebay and have bids on both. What the sellers don't know is that I'd pay $100 for them if I had to. I hope they're not reading this blog. . . .

Minivans R Us

2005-01-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

I have finally convinced the better half that we need a minivan. It took a test drive to do it. He has been resisting for months because they're just not attractive. He wanted a bigger SUV instead. I said, "well, let's go for a test drive of both cars and see what we think." Heh, heh, heh. So I dutifully drove the Sequoia and made comments like "Wow, it's so BIG and roomy. I need a stepstool to get the girls in their carseats, but I need the exercise, so that's a plus!" Then we drove the Sienna (minivan) and gosh darnit if it doesn't have more cargo space than the Sequoia! Automatic side doors and rear hatch. Fold down third row seats! DVD player and cupholders everywhere! It even has a navigation system with a rearview camera that goes on everytime you put the car in reverse! I won't run over small animals or children backing out of the garage! Such convenience! Such comfort! Each child gets her own seat!

Ahhhh. So he was convinced. "But we're not buying a new one! That's a waste of money! They depreciate worse than any other car! And I won't be seen in it!"

Ok. I'll be seen in it. Every single day. And I'll wear my minivan badge of parenthood with pride. Now if I can only talk him into the navigation system with rearview camera. . .

2004-12-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me the other day that I have rather large canines or "eye teeth." They're so long and pointed that I look like I'm going to tear into a wildebeast at any moment. So I decided to get them corrected. I researched some web sites and did my homework and then visited some cosmetic dentists. In the process I noticed my two front teeth are also too large. So large and wide I feel like a rabbit (about to tear into a wildebeast).

The dentists agreed, of course, that I could improve my smile with eight vaneers bonded to the front of my teeth to even out my "dispraportionately large front teeth and rounded canines." This way I could have a mouthful of teeth as big as my front ones. Very attractive. The process would take only two visits and cost $9,000.

Hmmmm. I thought about it for about 2 seconds and said "I'll check with my husband." That's the best thing about being married. I can act stupid and helpless when I want to. Sometimes it's not an act. You never know. . .

The husband just laughed at the thought and said I had fine teeth and if I wanted to put my money into anything, how about a boob job? Hahahaha. He tried to pass it off as a joke, but I know he wasn't kidding.

This whole process made me realize that I'm very glad my parents decided to make me wear braces for 2 1/2 loooong years and a retainer for 4 years after that. Imagine what I would look like if they hadn't! And those braces couldn't have been cheap. Especially when you have fourteen other children to feed. Maybe my parents did a pretty good job raising me after all. . .

Now, about that boob job. . .

Huuuug!!!

2004-12-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

Priya hugs everything. And I mean everything. Not just teddy bears and stuffed bunnies (although they're subject to it too), but everything. Yesterday she had a sticker she particularly liked and gave it a big hug. When she does that she squints up her eyes, raises her chin, and declares "Huuuug!" so we all know what she's doing. Occasionally a particularl object deserves a kiss too. Lucky sticker.

I mailed out all my Christmas gifts the other day. Seven boxes of presents to Texas, Oregon and South Carolina. I took Priya with me to mail them and she demanded two pens from the UPS lady. "Huuuug!" for the pens.

I was reading E. McPan's blog this morning and feeling particularly stupid. What's it like to be in her world of law students and intelligent people? I wonder if she would like to be a part of mine. It consists of poopie diapers and spit up. And stupidity. My excuse is hormones. Seriously. Since I've had children my IQ has taken a true tumble. This morning I told a patient I was flighty and advised her to find another physician. She just laughed. I'm not sure I was kidding.

Anyway, I wish I could blog everyday with interesting anecdotes about my life. But I can't blog because I don't have time and I don't have too many interesting things happening. Unless you count Anjali eating solids exciting. Or Priya pee-peeing in the potty fun.

My life is great, though. I have absolutely no complaints.

Huuuuug!!!

You know you're tired when. . .

2004-10-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

The baby is still waking up to eat two to three times a night. I'm getting so tired that every three or four days I do something really stupid. This morning I brushed my teeth with my facial cleanser. Seriously. Tasted horrible.

My poor patients should be really really scared

The Joy of Cigarettes

2004-09-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

So a new patient came into the office the other day sounding like she had a pile of gravel stuck in her throat. She looked 20 years older than her age and could hardly get across the room without suckin' wind.

"I'll be honest with ya, doc." she said. "I do smoke cigarettes."

Hmmmm. Really? And do you think that just might be a mistake?

Later, I'm driving home and the person in the car in front of me is smoking and throws his cigarette out onto the street. What is it about smokers that makes them believe that the world is their ashtray? Are they that lazy that they can't use the ashtray which sits within arms reach in their car?

And one more thing. On the way to work yesterday I saw a lady combing her hair and putting on every bit of her makeup in the car. OK, I see that plenty of times. But then another lady behind me whipped out her deoderant put it on at a stoplight. Now how did she remember to put that in the car, and yet not remember to put it on in the first place?

And if anyone else watches The Amazing Race besides me and Sumeet, please tell me you saw the finale Tuesday night. Loved it. My favorite team won and all is right in the world.

Priya pee-peed in the potty twice the other day. Maybe by accident, but hey, I'm thrilled.

I wanna get drunk

2004-09-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

So I was watching "Airline" on A&E last night and the theme for the show was "Let's get drunk, miss our flight, and blame the airlines." Every fool who did this not only got some air time on national telivision, but they got a full refund of their flight! Since when did this start? If I were to buy my tickets in advance and need to cancel due to my head falling off I wouldn't get a refund!

"Well, Ms B, that's because you bought those tickets in advance and they're nonrefundable, nontransferable, and subject to a $100 fee for changing them."

"But my head just fell off! I really don't think I can fly if my head is not attached. And I'm bleeding everywhere. Aren't you worried about getting your airplane soiled?"

"No, we're not worried. We now have fancy vinyl seats on all our flights. And if you read the fine print of your contract you will see that having your head fall off does not constitute a valid reason to refund or change your ticket."

"Okay, but I could be a security risk. See, I can't really see to get to my seat without my head, and I might bump into other passengers. Worse yet, I might even inadvertently fall into the cockpit trying to go to the bathroom. The pilot may panic and crash the plane. See?"

"No, I don't see, and obviously you don't either. And that's because your head is sitting on the floor. Now, would you like to pay the $100 change fee and catch the next flight tomorrow morning?"

"Ummm, let's see. . . how about NOOOO. I really think I'll bleed to death by then. And what contract are you talking about? I didn't sign a contract. I just bought some tickets."

"The tickets ARE your contract. WHY do people come to the airport without reading their tickets? This really makes my job difficult. Now, let me ask again. Do you want to sign over your first born child and take the next flight or stand here and bleed on my carpet?"

"My first born child? I thought you wanted $100!"

"$100, first born child, it's all the same. . . "

"Are you crazy?!? Do you think my beautiful incredible intelligent child is only worth $100? Seriously? NOW you've crossed the line. NOW I'm pissed off. NOW I want to talk to your supervisor."

"Please calm down Ms. B. And watch your language. Do you kiss your children with that mouth? I'm just trying to do my job."

"I will NOT calm down. You're about to see what ANGRY is all about. Just get me your supervisor and find the cameramen and tell them to focus that lens onME, because I'm about to cause a SCENE!"

"Ms. B, you are acting a bit erracitcally. Have you had anything to drink today?"

"DRINK? Yes, I've had something to drink! Wouldn't you if you had my stressful crazy life? My head just fell off! Of course I've had something to drink! I'm drunk off my gourd! I'm high as a kite! Do you want a sobriety test? I'll fail it for you!"

"Well, you should have said so ma'am. You are now a security risk and therefore cannot board our aircraft. I'm terribly sorry but we'll have to refund your ticket, put you up in the nearest hotel until you sober up. You can then catch the next flight out tomorrow. First class. Because we treat our drunk customers with respect. Now our headless customers have no rights. But I don't make the rules. I just enforce them. Here's your ticket, your hotel information, and a nice bag in which to place you head. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines."

Jack Handy

2004-08-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write a thing. So I'll just put down some thoughts that have occurred to me in the last few days.

My parents are occasionally TOO cheerful. They know what I'm talking about.

Really strange shows come on TV in the middle of the night. HBO had "Miss Black Nude America" on last night. Or something like that. I only know this because I watch TV while I feed the baby. . .

Ellen DeGeneres is a great comedian.

My garage door is too small for my SUV. That is why I've banged it up twice in the last week trying to get it in the garage. It couldn't be because I'm a bad driver.

My sister E. McPan is way too intelligent. I just don't understand some of her blog posts. . .

Why do people call Garage Sales "Yard Sales" in the South?

My brother "hearsedrv" is smarter than he sounds. I just don't understand some of his blog posts. . .

Don't feed your toddler chocolate pudding. It will make her poop really stinky.

I watch a lot of Sesame Street. Big Bird is a real whiner. "Oh no! I can't seem to find ERRRRNIE!!! He says he's hiding behind something that rhymes with kneeeee and the only thing here is this treeeee! What will I do NOW?? "

Elmo always talks in third person, which is annoying.

When people don't think your baby is cute, they resort to saying things like "What a lot of hair!!" or "She sure has long fingers! She'll be a piano player for sure!"

Why do the nurses and doctors feel compelled to remind new mothers not to have sex for six weeks after the birth of their baby? Didn't they witness what just happenned down there? Do I really need to be REMINDED? And why six weeks? Who participated in that study?

Did the "Boat Men of Vietnam Who Kind of Knew John Kerry for Truth" come up with their name before this election campaign? Did they just tack on the "for Truth" later? Does it ligitimize their statement? Why not form the "Black Nude Women of America for Truth?" Maybe they could give testimonials too.

My lungs hurt. . .

2004-08-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

My brother is a redneck. I don't know why. We were raised in the same house by the same parents. But someone must have put something in his fruity pebbles when he was a kid. I don't know what it was, but it has affected him. It really has.

He called me today to ask me some medical questions. Our conversation went something like this:

"I'm worried about my lungs."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I may have inhaled some chlorine when I was putting it in my new pool."
"How did you do that?"
"I was trying to be careful, you know. Because I did the same thing 20 years ago except it was much worse. I was blackin' out and everything that time. Do you remember that? You were just a kid, but my friends had to drive me to the hospital in the old El Camino. Did I ever tell you what Mom did during that whole thing? Oh, that's a good story. I should write that one in my blog. . . "
While he went on to tell me the story of how Mom read a novel while some minister spoke in tongues over his near lifeless body my toddler starteed screaming at the top of her lungs. I was having a hard time hearing him talk, so I tried to cut to the chase.
"So, what are your symptoms?"
"Wow, you're toddler sure sounds unhappy. Is she unhappy? What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, really. She's just trying to get used to her new little sister being around."
"Oh, poor you. That sucks, man. I wouldn't want to be you right now. . . "
"So, what symptoms do you have?"
"Oh, well, I'm coughing real bad at night and I couldn't sleep last night. And my chest hurts. And my throat is sore. And my whole body aches."
"When did all this start?"
"About two hours after I put the chlorine in the pool. I was trying to be real careful, see, because I had done this before. I put it in while staying as far away from it as I could. Of course I put my face pretty much in the stuff 20 years ago. That was the difference. I was blackin' out and everything."
"But your symptoms started two hours later. . . "
"Oh, yeah. I was swimming, see and my mother-in-law was there but I made her turn around because I didn't have clothes on. And when I got out of the pool it just hit me. My whole body hurt and my throat was sore. I just went to bed and slept all day. And I called in sick the next day. I've never called in sick in SIX YEARS! And it's been four days and I still feel like crap. Of course, I haven't passed out or anything like the first time. That's a good thing."
"Um, yeah. So, have you had any fever?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Are you bringing up anything when you cough?"
"No."
"Any trouble breathing?"
"Only when I lay down. I've been working all day on this pool and can breathe fine."
"Okay, well I think you may have an inhalation injury from the chlorine. But you may also have a viral illness. I would treat you symptomatically with an inhaler and a strong cough medicine with codeine or hydrocodone."
"Oooooh, no. I think I'll pass on that. I took some of that when I broke my foot, which still hurts like hell by the way. Anyway, what was the name of that stuff? Hey (wife) where's that bottle? Man, did I get sick. I must have taken it the night before, or no, was it the morning? It must have been the morning before work. No, because you can't drive when you take it. So I took it when I got to work. And later that day I TREW UP in my cubicle. That may have been because I took it on an empty stomach. . . "
"Well, yes, that's true. It likely did contribute to it."
"So I don't want any of that, and besides, I took a Halls and got some sleep after that."
"Oh, so if the Halls worked I wouldn't take anything else. But you may need an inhaler."
"You know, we have inhalers around here. Hey (wife) where is that inhaler? I know we have one because (son) used it. I'll just use his. Or (wife's). Oh yeah, here it is. It says. . . Proventil. Will that do? It expired in November 2003, but that's okay. I can use it anyway. We have great insurance. Everything is only $6 for medications."
"Maybe I should call you in a new inhaler."
"Nahhh. This will work. But, listen, will this heal my lungs?"
"No, this will only help with your symptoms. If you develop a high fever or trouble breathing you should go see your doctor."
"Well, that's what I was wonderin'!! I just want to make sure my lungs aren't fillin' up with fluid. So I'm not gonna die?"
"No, I doubt it. But this may be a virus, which is why your body is aching."
"My body is aching because I've been bustin' my ass on this pool. Man I'm tired. Y'know, me and (wife) aren't getting any younger. We're so tired. And my foot still hurts. But that's because I kicked the dog with it the other day."
"Why did you kick the dog?"
"Oh, I don't know. He got out of the yard one too many times I guess. Dumb dog."
"Right. So why do you swim in the nude?"
"Why not? I just wanted to."
"Aren't you worried someone will see you?"
"Naw, I have a privacy fence. But I did see the neighbor naked. And that wasn't pretty. She's 60 years old and weighs 300 pounds. Close your blinds lady! And the other neighbor just had a baby so she's still fat and ugly. . . "

I don't know why he was looking in the neighbor's window, or if he also works on the pool in the nude. I really hope not. But I think he'll live. At least until the pool needs more chlorine. . .

McDonalds, Lotion, and Dog Drool

2004-08-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

And it began today. Priya picked up a tube of lotion and wacked her little sister over the head with it. You should have heard Anjali cry. Luckily, it scared her more than anything else. So I didn't punish Priya (she really didn't understand what she did) and I took her to the store with me while the nanny watched Anjali. After the store excursion we went to McDonalds where she meticulously picked up every french fry and dipped it into the ketchup. That took a while since I had torn the fries into fourths. Ketchup dipping is a new trick for her. I just hope she doesn't associate hitting her sister with a trip to McDonalds.

Yesterday she was given the treat of getting to pet the neighbor's dog. She is obsessed with this dog. Literally. She says "dawg" 467 times a day and points to their driveway (where he sits basking int he sun) whenever she can. So I saw the neighbor in his yard and went over and asked if Priya could pet his rather large dog. He said "Sure!" and Priya proceeded to lean over to give the dog a loving kiss. His large head whipped around and in one eighth of a second he had licked the entire right side of her face. My heart stopped because I thought he was about to bite her. That would have been a big chunk out of her face. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. Of course, she didn't mind the slobber all over her cheek and hair at all. She just cried when we walked back home. I guess we should consider getting a dog. . .

Anjali

2004-08-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

So Anjali was born on July 22nd. She is the spitting image of her dad and so far seems to have his temperament (which is a really really really good thing). She does what I've always heard newborns are supposed to do (eat, sleep and poop). Priya didn't follow those rules at all. We'll see how long this bliss lasts. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law will be here for two weeks and has been babysitting, cleaning and cooking every meal. Who could ask for anything more? I'm in a minor state of panic at the thought of her leaving. Who will cook? How will I get to the grocery store? What if both girls need me at the EXACT same time? How do I decide what to do???

Obviously, I'm overreacting. It will all work out just fine. Just as soon as I hire a full time cook.

Labor Pains

2004-07-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

I find it excessively painful to listen to other women's labor stories. They always tell their story as if they're the only woman in the world who had 36 hours of labor followed by an episiotomy and a failed epidural. blah blah blah. I just nod my head and smile politely, thinking of all the things I'd rather be doing than picturing this woman in the throes of "the worst labor ever experienced in the history of womankind."

Actually, I'm going in to the hospital tomorrow morning to have this baby (Anjali). My husband is working at the hospital I'm going to deliver in and is planning on making rounds that morning. I thought that was a good idea because I really don't know what he will do while I'm having contractions and such. Give me ice chips? Rub my back? Paleeeze. I'd rather go it alone. I mean, do you really think it would help me to have an ice chip??? All I want is the epidural. That's it. And when I start pushing he can stand by my bed and say "Push! One, two, three, four. . . " That would be most helpful. I just may forget how to count while I'm trying to squeeze this precious angel out.

Do I sound cynical?

I'm really excited for my sister, who is on her way home from Russia with her two newly adopted sons. It's like we're having our children on the same day. . . My parents are getting three grandchildren in two days. Now they will have 11 grandchildren with another due in October. Lucky them!

2004-07-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

For anyone out there that says doctors don't work hard, come meet my husband. Yesterday he left for work at 6:00 am and got home after midnight. He was exhausted and kept getting pages during the night about the same patient. This morning he left at 6:00 and won't be home until around 7:00 or 8:00 pm. He hasn't even seen Priya in two days. I hate his hours! When I have this baby he can only get two days off work. I know, I know, I shouldn't complain (especially with all those doctor haters out there), but hey, what are blogs for?

On a lighter note, I love my job. I get to work mornings only and take call from home. I don't have any hospital duties, which is a BIG bonus. There are only two other docs in our practice (both female) and the staff is wonderful. My nannies take incredible care of Priya and they will stay on even with the added work load of the new baby! You can't get any better than that!

I'm also seeing a lot of interesting medicine here that I didn't see in North Carolina. I enjoy seeing the younger patients in addition to the elderly and researching new diagnostic delimnas (of which there have been a few). My problem is admitting to patients that I need to "do a little research." I usually do it right in front of them (does that make me look stupid?). They seem to appreciate the effort, though. At least I'm not winging it. . . I do, however miss my nurse from North Carolina. I would pay her one million dollars to move here and join this practice. Will you Regina? Please?

The President on a Scooter

2004-07-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

Did you know pregnancy causes strange dreams? I think I should win some contest for the absolute weirdest ones. And if anyone wanted to figure out what my dreams mean I'm in real trouble.

I seem to always dream about famous people. Not necessarilly people I like or admire, but just famous people. For instance, I've been shopping with J.Lo, out to lunch with Gwyneth Paltrow (pre Apple), deep sea fishing with Britney Spears, and to breakast with George W. Bush. Last night, though, was a classic. I was at a campground driving my winnie looking for some clothes (I was partially clothed - go figure) and it was real crowded. Who should happen to ride by on his red, white, and blue scooter (on the wrong wide of the road) but George W. Bush. He had that real vacant look in his eye that he had throughout the entire "Farenheit" movie (and for the last four years to be exact). The kicker of it was when along came Laura Bush looking for him. Anxious to scoop him into the car before anyone caught sight of him. Like I said. I dream about famous people, not necesarilly people I like.

2004-07-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

The other night we watched the first episode of "The Amazing Race 5." Of all the reality shows out there The Amazing Race is by far the best. We've watched every single episode of the first four races. I always wonder what I would do in those situations. Probably loose my cool, have a meltdown in front of 5 million viewers and regret it the rest of my life. Which is why I didn't apply for the race. I'm sure they would have signed my right up if I had. . .
My mom and sister are in Russia getting my sister's two adopted sons. Yesterday they went through the court process and now the boys are legally hers. I'm so glad. I had spent most of Wednesday morning trying to get in touch with them and was told repeatedly by the clerk at their hotel that they were "in the res-ta-ront." After two hours of that I was told they had "left with some people." It was 10:45pm there! I was highly suspicious because I had my doubts that they would be cruising the downtown of that somewhat small Russian town. So I sat there thinking about all the things they could be doing until I became genuinely worried. Luckily, my sister called my dad and told him they were fine and had been in their room the whole time. Hmmmmm
Tomorrow I have my appointment with my OB. I'm hoping he'll proclaim me "ready to give birth" right then with a short easy labor. And I'll go to the hospital and get an epidural and sail through the contractions without a hint of pain. Theyn I'll push three or four times until little Anjali is born and found to be completely healthy. If only it worked that way. . .
Women always ask me if I'm going to have my baby "naturally." What exactly do they mean by that? How do you have a baby "unnaturally?" I always want to say "No, I thought I'd pop her out my ear. . . " And if I reply "yes, this will be a natural birth" (complete lie) they say "good for you!" Like I would endure that kind of pain for their approval. Geeezzz.

2004-07-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, we've done it. This time it's final. We've finally come up with a name for our daughter. Anjali. It is pronounced Un-ja-lee. Yay! It's about time. I will likely have her in about two weeks and I didn't want her to be nameless. Or be called Quazar.
We're visiting my in-laws this weekend and having a really relaxing time. My brother-in-law ran in a 10K run this morning and is hoping they post his picture on the front page of the paper tomorrow. He was only one of 55,000 runners and certainly didn't run the race in 28 minutes, like the winner from Kenya did. But he is still optimistic. . .
And Priya keeps adding words to her vocabulary. Now she can say "shoes, Papa, Bye-Bye, Uh-Oh, and apple". Her Dada (grandfather) claims she can say "Big Bird" too but I haven't heard it yet. That's probably because her favorite book is about Big Bird and we read it to her roughly 43 times a day. She is signing up a storm and added a couple of signs this weekend. I think that brings her to 28 or so signs. Not that I'm counting and comparing her to other 15 month olds or anything. I'm not THAT competitive! Hee Hee
My brother-in-law said he is disappointed in my blog. "It's just like a newsletter or something" as if anything I had to put in my "newsletter" wasn't interesting. Which it really isn't, but that's beside the point. Anyway, I bet if I start posting pictures of him coming across the finish line with his weary hands held high in full victory from his 10K run he would like my blog. Anyone can be blackmailed.

Identity Crises

2004-06-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

I talked to one of my sisters today and she told me that someone stole her identity. Somehow they got her name and social security number (probably wasn't too hard, come to think of it) and opened a credit card account, racked up some bills on a wireless phone and even opened an account with the local phone company for a land line phone! Which they promptly traced to an apartment! But are the police knocking on that apartment door asking questions? Certainly not. They probably don't care. Which means my sister is leaving the country for over 3 weeks and will be bringing two adorable Russian toddlers home and there's no telling what these bottom-dwellers will do to her account in the meantime. Maybe she'll get to make a commercial with a voiceover talking about all the "phone conversations with my boyfriend-in-France-on-my-Cingular-account-that-I-don't-have-to-pay-for." At least she could make some money for herself in this whole process.
And the kicker of it is she is trying to get all her paperwork done to go to Russia and pick up her boys. Do you have any idea what it takes to adopt a child from Russia? First, you must fill out about one thousand fourteen forms asking such questions as "have you had now, or ever had in the past, a condition categorized as a communicable disease?" and "In the past 55 years have you or anyone remotely related to you ever had what may be construed as a drinking problem at any time during his or her life? Have you ever been around alcohol? Do you know what marijuana is? Do you watch violent movies? Do you like them? Do you believe a low carb diet is healthy? Have you ever gained weight? Would you be willing to donate your left kidney to one of your family should the need arise? What about your right one?" Etc. etc.

Once you fill out the forms you fight with about 48 different people on the phone over issues such as whether your fingerprints can be obtained at THIS office, or if you must drive 45 minutes across town to obtain the form which allows you to obtain you fingerprints in a town three hours away. Between the hours of 3:15 and 4:30 pm central standard time. On the third Tuesday of the month. Which was yesterday. And you need this done by next Monday or you can't send in the form to verify your Visa status which has to come in by the fourth Thursday of the month. If and ONLY if you get the Visa straightened out can you book your plane tickets. For your SECOND trip to Russia. And if you don't book those tickets by the fourth FRIDAY of the month the price will mysteriously skyrocket to $8,425. Of course, they may have already skyrocketed while you were on the phone with the doctor's office trying to convince them you really do NOT have a communicable disease. And you've never smoked marijuana. And all that porn material on your credit card was NOT purchased by you. That was bought by a 17 year old geek in a spider man outfit hiding out in his apartment waiting for the next Spiderman 2 showing.

I think it's MUCH easier to be pregnant. I will never complain about feeling fat, bloated, ugly, tired, or moody again.

Upside the head by a 2x4

2004-06-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid my big brother could elicit fear in me in several ways. One was by folding his middle finger down until it was held at the base of his thumb. That would give it maximum velocity when he let it go. And velocity was important when he was "thunking" me on the top of my head. For some reason he got great pleasure in thunking me. It hurt like the devil every single time and he knew it. A malicious grin would come across his face and he would chuckle as he walked away. To this day if I see him bending his thumb down I get scared. Of course I don't show it, I just find an excuse to casually leave the room. That is his way of "hitting someone upside the head with a 2x4." I've been hit many times.

He also could elicit fear by getting up the earliest on Saturday mornings and eating all the sugar cereal. The guy weighed 92 pounds dripping wet all through high school and could eat an entire box of Count Chocula in one sitting. Fast. So fast that when you heard that "ding, ding, ping" of that cereal hitting the bowl you better get your butt out of bed or you weren't going to eat anything good for breakfast.

And he didn't play fair. One day when I was six years old (and he was about 10 or 11) he held a quarter in his hand and told me that if I guessed the year it was made I could have it. The first year that popped into my head was 1976. But for someone reason I said 1977. He laughed gleefully and showed me the quarter. 1976. Damnit. I'm still mad about that. I think I stomped around and pissed and moaned for several days about that. I ALMOST said 1976. I MEANT to say 1976. I want my quarter.

But don't get the wrong idea. I'm not holding a grudge. Really. I really am feeling bad that his pool has turned into a mud pit. If I could go down there and suck the water out I would. In a hearbeat. Just as soon as I finish this cereal.

Ping Ping

2004-06-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching either Law and Order or some such crime show set in NYC. It's the one with the "Ping Ping" sound at every scene. The sound that creates real drama and suspense. Or so I'm told. I know that when I hear it I look up from whatever I'm doing and watch slack jawed (like a Pavlovian dog looking at a piece of steak) until the next commercial. I don't know why I watch the show. It's really silly. The poor victim is always already dead. No help there. And even though they ALWAYS figure out who done it the perp often gets away with the crime through some freaky loop hole. And when all else is lost and you think there's no way in Hades they'll figure this one out, they discover a hair. Always a hair. Last night it was a pubic hair wrapped up in a $80,000 watch. Hmmmm. From that they concluded the perp was gay. Oh yes, only gay people wrap their private hairs in their expensive watches. . .

I'll be watching next week when the Ping Ping sound tells me to. I just can't wait.

I'll try again

2004-06-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

Last week I posted a story about computer geeks. Actually, I should have clarified that the very nice man at the help desk referred to himself as a "computer geek." I would have saved myself some insults. Someone anonymously posted a comment showing his or her's dislike for that term and his or her's intense desire to refer to physician's using other "four letter words." Of course, this was the second physician bashing post. The first was from by brother, which was expected. He's always told me "you docs are just a bunch of dumb@#* idiots." That doesn't offend me. But the second post did. I kind of gave up on the blog thing for a few days and decided to try again tonight. I mean, if you're that mad about it and hate doctors that much, why post it anonymously?

Anyway, I'll try again and hope I won't regret it. Please keep your comments on the pleasant side. I'm a bit hormonal and get my feelings hurt easily.