Easter

Here is Toddler enjoying her new water table. She really loves that thing.


And here is Little Bit this sitting with her Nanny


Nanny put Toddler's hair in pigtails so I had to take a picture.

Clean and Dry

A few days back a patient called and said she accidentally washed her prescription for pain medication with her clothes and needed another one. I asked her to bring the old one in (because I trust no one these days) and I would write her another. She finally brought in the crumbly and barely legible prescription and I wrote her a new one. Before the nurse took it to her she asked me if I had any special instructions for her.

"Yeah, tell her Dry Clean Only." Heh heh heh

I'm so clever.

And in other news, Husband is angry because toddler is talking like a Southener. One of her nanny's is from Alabama and we've decided to blame her. She says things like "Deener" instead of Dinner and "Deeown" in stead of Down. Drives him crazy. Of course, toddler knows it and teases him everytime he walks in the door. I told him we shouldn't raise her in the South if he doesn't want her to talk that way.

Speaking of, family sometimes asks me to relate more Southern terms I learn in my practice. Here is a list of the current ones:

Liter = muscle
Kernel = lymph node
Pone = fat pad (or loaf of corn bread)
Fall Out = to faint
Nature is bad = impotence
Sugar = diabetes
All Stoved up = stiff (from arthritis)
Dizzy Headed = dizzy
Vomickin = vomit
Once't day = Once a day
Twice't day = Twice a day
Chest is tired = Chest pain
Diarareer = diarrhea
Foggy Headed = stupid


And to E.McPan - I didn't mean to imply you don't do anything outside of blogging. That's just it. I can't believe you accomplish as much as you do and still manage to blog that much! I can't do that. I'm too foggy headed.

Pictures!

I've just figured out how to put pictures on my blog! Watch out world, here we come! I'm going to post pics for family (since they're the only ones who read my little blog anyway). Enjoy!

Here is Little Bit sitting up and quite proud of herself.


Here, Mom, is how the cute jacket and hat fit toddler. She's so happy to have it on!!

Will Blog for Money

My sister, E.McPan, is the most amazing blogger. The girl must have hours of time on her hands because she writes a new blog about every 8 minutes. Seriously. I don't understand this at all since she is a law student and makes As in all her classes. When she was home for Thanksgiving another sister with two children said she just couldn't get to her computer to read the blogs. E McPan was somewhat incredulous. "What? Was something in front of it?" Yes. Children. Work. Life.

So I read recently that you can make money blogging. One man does it and is a part time law professor. He put a tip can on his blog site and there you go. Now advertisers are on his site and he makes about $3,000 a month. Since E.McPan is so interesting and gifted I think she too ought to make some extra money too.

As for me, I'm lucky to blog something once a month. But that's okay, because I don't have many interesting things to say anyway.

And let it be known that George W. Bush has no right to let the federal courts micromanage my health care or the care of any of my patients. If I want to die peacefully in the privacy of my home I will do it. No Republican is going to stop me.

But I did sleep at the Holiday Inn Express. . .

You know your doctor's an Idiot when:

You tell her you had a double mastectomy twenty years ago and she asks you when your last mammogram was.

You tell her you're having chest pain and she asks "So where is the pain, exactly?"

She stops you in the middle of a sentance and says "Wait, go back. I didn't hear anything you just said." Yet she was looking right at you the whole time.

She walks into the room and introduces herself and asks "Have I seen you before?" This would be fine if it wasn't the third time you had seen her in the last two months.

You tell her you had a hysterectomy ten years ago and she asks "So when was your last menstrual cycle?"

And on the flip side: You know your patient is not quite with it when:

You ask them when they had their appendix removed and they say "Right after I had my knee replaced." Oh, okay. I was sitting right there, and I remember that day fondly. . .

You ask them to describe their pain and even give examples such as "crampy, dull, sharp, etc" and all they can say is "It just hurts." Okay. Where does it hurt? "Everywhere." Okay, how long has it been hurting? "A while" Hmmm, how long, exactly , is a while? "Well, it started after I had my appendix taken out." And when was that? "Right after I had my knee replaced. . . "

You ask them if they're allergic to any medications and they say "Oh yes. Benadryl." Oh. How is one allergic to allergy medicine?

Listen Here Little Missy

Today an elderly man who had undergone surgery a couple of weeks ago came to see me. His incision had become infected and he had just finished a week of antibiotics the surgeon had given him. It still hasn't healed, so he came to see me. Me, the internist. Me, the one who was not even remotely involved in his surgery.

After examining him I decided he may need drainage of this infection and wisely suggested he go back to the surgeon. This really made him angry. "I knew you would tell me that. Listen, all you guys do is send me back to the surgeons. I know what I need, little missy. In my day we didn't have doctors, we just treated ourselves. I've been around here a lot longer than you and what I need is some antibiotics. I'm tired of you docs sending me all over the place and always acting scared that you're going to be sued. But if you want me to go to the surgeon I'll do it. Just make the appointment and I'll be on my way. I guess you can't do anything else. . . "

I wrote him a prescription for the antibiotics and he huffed out of the room. I'm glad I went to four years of medical school, three years of residency and put myself into six figure debt so I could learn how to write the prescriptions my patients tell me to write. It was all worth it.

Last night Husband said "You go to bed and I'll get up with the girls if they wake up. You need to rest!" So I dutifully went to bed at 9:30 and promptly woke up at 10:30 when Little Bit (seven month old) was crying. Husband was in the other room on the computer so I went in and told him. Later she woke up again (around 1:00 am) and he kept on sleeping. So I went in and tried to get her back to sleep (hard to do with her persistent cough). It took about an hour. At 4:00 am Toddler woke up and wanted "Mommie lay down!" After about 10 minutes I gave up trying to get her to sleep because we were both wide awake and I was in the process of coughing up my right lung. So I decided to take a shower. It's all about time conservation. I knew I wouldn't have time for a shower before work so why just sit around waiting to get back to sleep? Husband finally woke up then and said "But I didn't hear the girls crying!" Of course you didn't, silly. I knew you wouldn't. But it was a sweet gesture just the same.

Now I've lost my voice completely and my throat is on fire. I've hacked up one lung and am working on the other. Little Bit continues to have a low grade fever and Toddler has been introduced to the "Naughty Chair" because of her incredible behavior. Yes, I stole that from Supernanny, but it works!

And in other news, Husband is haggling with a Toyota dealership over the internet to get us a new minivan! He really knows his business and we're saving quite a bit by doing this over the internet. Go Husband!

The House of The Damned

The entire family is sick. Husband has the flu with body aches, fever and cough. Toddler has ear infections, won't eat ANYTHING, and is extremely CRANKY. Seven month old has a cold with high fevers that kept her up most of Saturday night. I have a cold and pharyngitis. I'm the lucky one. I've been vomited on six times, toddler thinks I'm her walking snot rag, and husband wonders what's for dinner. "I'm hungry" he says. So I oblige and make him some of his favorite comfort food. I think he is happy. He grunts.

It was a weekend of testing our limits as parents. You hate to see your children suffer, but you just want to go to bed yourself and wish they would take the antibiotic, or drink their juice, or sleep, or just stop begging to be held so you could get some sleep yourself.

By Sunday morning I cried UNCLE! I called my wonderful nanny and asked her to PLEASE come over after church just so we could get some rest. Just for one hour??? She is so nice that she declared herself on "Grandma Duty" and she came over and cleaned the nasty kitchen, vaccummed the den, folded laundry and played with Toddler Crankpot. I ran to the store and bought much needed food. Later, my Favorite Neighbor (or "Fav Neighb" as we call her) came over unannounced with Lasagna. Delicious home made Lasagna and my favorite cookies. How did she know? Word must have gotten out from the play group moms. We all have a radar for each other's kids' illnesses. That, and we want to stay as far away from them as we can.

Husband is blowing loads of junk out of his nose and announced today that he thinks this stuff would make great lubrication for car parts. That's just gross.

So after the Weekend of the Damned I went to work this morning.

There are three of us docs in our practice. We're all female, all about the same age, and have all have had a child this year. Doc # 3 just had her second little boy two days ago and we're covering for her while she is gone. I walked into an office with about one hundred charts to be reviewed. Seriously. And Monday is the day for sick people to crawl into the office begging for Z-packs and Hydrocodone. But given all that work and craziness, I felt like I was on a vacation compared to what we went through this past weekend. I LOVE MONDAYS!

This is My Life

This week has been so busy I've hardly had time to talk with anyone. So I'll just blog the main points of my week.

My daughter (almost 2 yo) became sick Monday and developed a temp of 104.5 twice. We had to wrap her in cool towels and put her in a tepid bathtub to bring it down. She had temps up to 103.5 for the next two days and felt awful. Finally they broke and she started to recover for the next two days. This morning, however, she developed another temp of 102.5 and wouldn't eat or do much of anything except watch "Bee-o" (Baby Einstein videos). I took her back to the pediatrician and she now has two bad ear infections. Poor thing. I paid $50 for the antibiotic just because it is a once a day medication and getting any meds down her is an act of God.

My husband became sick two days ago with severe sore throat and body aches. He cannot take a day off work because in his type of medicine patients "prep" for their colonoscopies the night before and if anyone other than George W himself cancels their procedure they may kill someone. So he went to work with fevers and sinus congestion, etc.

The last time he did this he had an ear infection too and was just about to do a colonoscopy on a patient when he became so dizzy he almost passed out. I had to cancel several of my patient's appointments to go pick him up. He was the butt of many jokes after that. (Pun fully intended).

We are trying to buy a minivan but we can't decide between the Honda Odyssey and the Toyota Sienna. I test drove an Odyssey on Wednesday and decided I liked the Toyota better. An hour and a half after the test drive I found the key to the Odyssey in my pocket. The car salesman must have been panicked because he didn't even know my name. I called him back and after a ten minute hold by the operator he came to the phone. Our conversation was something like this:

"Hi, Frank, this is the lady that test drove the Odyssey with you earlier today."

"DO YOU HAVE MY KEY?!!!!!"

"Yes, I've got it right here. Now, if you give me $2,000 dollars cash your manager may not have to find out about this. If you refuse, I simply give him a call and let him know what an idiot he has for an employee to let you give the keys to the new cars out to total strangers. What do you say?"

Okay, that was a fantasy. I actually just told him I had the key and would bring it by after my doctor's appointment. He was quite relieved.

Yesterday I installed a motion detector for the light switch in our bedroom. Okay, I started the project but the husband finished it. I have to try to sneak around and do projects around the house, because once he catches wind of it he comes running to "do it right." I'm a good sport, but I'm worried about when we retire and spend too much time in the house together. I may not get to do anything except the laundry, dishes and household chores. I'll be so bored.

The motion detector, by the way, only works if you're about 20 feet away. It has a hard time sensing motion right in front of it. Weird. It must have been put in wrong. . .

Well, my six month old just threw up on the husband. Maybe I should help clean him up. Can I handle that job?

See A World

I've finally done it. I've made the final plans and reservations for our trip to Sea World this Spring. It's hard to figure out where to take a 9 month old and 2 year old. Would they enjoy the Grand Canyon? What about Big Sky, Montana? Ahh Heck, who am I kidding? They'll be happy/miserable/unpredictable wherever we go. But we'll be going in style. I insisted on a decent resort to stay in for a good price, and found it this afternoon. It only took me seventeen hours of sorting through 1,256 hotels to find it. And reading the reviews about all of them gets very tiring. Some people are soooo picky. For example:
"Our room was not exactly clean. I checked under the bed, behind the dresser, inside all the drawers and on the window sills and found a smidgon of dust. We certainly won't stay HERE again."
Oh, please. Don't ever come to my house, then. And why check behind the dresser? Will you be eating off that wall?
Anyway, we're only staying four nights and bringing loads of baby stuff. Two ginormous car seats, one ginormous double stroller, two booster seats, a portable potty seat, bottles, and. . . wait a minute. I may be able to rent this stuff from some rental place. I've done it before. Yay! Back to the internet to search for more vacation stuff. This is really exhausting. . .

Which vagina do I use?

A patient came to see me yesterday and through our discussion I discovered she was in need of some vaginal hormone cream. I wrote her a prescription and sent her on her way. Today she called my nurse and asked how to use the cream. "Just use it as prescribed," she told her. "But it says to put 2 grams into BOTH vaginas," she said. "What other place am I supposed to put it in?" The nurse thought about it a second and said "I guess just put it in your ear. It will meet up eventually. . . "

Honest to God true story.

Ya gotta love the South.

Blankeeeeee!!!!

I did a really stupid thing two years ago. I bought a yellow receiving blanket and constantly put it in my daughter's crib. She eventually became attached to it and now, at 21 months, is obsessed with it. She drags it everywhere and it gets extremely dirty. Today I washed it and that was the longest hour and a half of my life. You would have thought I was cutting off her right arm the way she screamed. So I vowed to find some extra blankets to have on reserve.

The problem is that this particular blanket has been discontinued. Luckily I have found two on ebay and have bids on both. What the sellers don't know is that I'd pay $100 for them if I had to. I hope they're not reading this blog. . . .

Minivans R Us

I have finally convinced the better half that we need a minivan. It took a test drive to do it. He has been resisting for months because they're just not attractive. He wanted a bigger SUV instead. I said, "well, let's go for a test drive of both cars and see what we think." Heh, heh, heh. So I dutifully drove the Sequoia and made comments like "Wow, it's so BIG and roomy. I need a stepstool to get the girls in their carseats, but I need the exercise, so that's a plus!" Then we drove the Sienna (minivan) and gosh darnit if it doesn't have more cargo space than the Sequoia! Automatic side doors and rear hatch. Fold down third row seats! DVD player and cupholders everywhere! It even has a navigation system with a rearview camera that goes on everytime you put the car in reverse! I won't run over small animals or children backing out of the garage! Such convenience! Such comfort! Each child gets her own seat!

Ahhhh. So he was convinced. "But we're not buying a new one! That's a waste of money! They depreciate worse than any other car! And I won't be seen in it!"

Ok. I'll be seen in it. Every single day. And I'll wear my minivan badge of parenthood with pride. Now if I can only talk him into the navigation system with rearview camera. . .

It occurred to me the other day that I have rather large canines or "eye teeth." They're so long and pointed that I look like I'm going to tear into a wildebeast at any moment. So I decided to get them corrected. I researched some web sites and did my homework and then visited some cosmetic dentists. In the process I noticed my two front teeth are also too large. So large and wide I feel like a rabbit (about to tear into a wildebeast).

The dentists agreed, of course, that I could improve my smile with eight vaneers bonded to the front of my teeth to even out my "dispraportionately large front teeth and rounded canines." This way I could have a mouthful of teeth as big as my front ones. Very attractive. The process would take only two visits and cost $9,000.

Hmmmm. I thought about it for about 2 seconds and said "I'll check with my husband." That's the best thing about being married. I can act stupid and helpless when I want to. Sometimes it's not an act. You never know. . .

The husband just laughed at the thought and said I had fine teeth and if I wanted to put my money into anything, how about a boob job? Hahahaha. He tried to pass it off as a joke, but I know he wasn't kidding.

This whole process made me realize that I'm very glad my parents decided to make me wear braces for 2 1/2 loooong years and a retainer for 4 years after that. Imagine what I would look like if they hadn't! And those braces couldn't have been cheap. Especially when you have fourteen other children to feed. Maybe my parents did a pretty good job raising me after all. . .

Now, about that boob job. . .

Huuuug!!!

Priya hugs everything. And I mean everything. Not just teddy bears and stuffed bunnies (although they're subject to it too), but everything. Yesterday she had a sticker she particularly liked and gave it a big hug. When she does that she squints up her eyes, raises her chin, and declares "Huuuug!" so we all know what she's doing. Occasionally a particularl object deserves a kiss too. Lucky sticker.

I mailed out all my Christmas gifts the other day. Seven boxes of presents to Texas, Oregon and South Carolina. I took Priya with me to mail them and she demanded two pens from the UPS lady. "Huuuug!" for the pens.

I was reading E. McPan's blog this morning and feeling particularly stupid. What's it like to be in her world of law students and intelligent people? I wonder if she would like to be a part of mine. It consists of poopie diapers and spit up. And stupidity. My excuse is hormones. Seriously. Since I've had children my IQ has taken a true tumble. This morning I told a patient I was flighty and advised her to find another physician. She just laughed. I'm not sure I was kidding.

Anyway, I wish I could blog everyday with interesting anecdotes about my life. But I can't blog because I don't have time and I don't have too many interesting things happening. Unless you count Anjali eating solids exciting. Or Priya pee-peeing in the potty fun.

My life is great, though. I have absolutely no complaints.

Huuuuug!!!

You know you're tired when. . .

The baby is still waking up to eat two to three times a night. I'm getting so tired that every three or four days I do something really stupid. This morning I brushed my teeth with my facial cleanser. Seriously. Tasted horrible.

My poor patients should be really really scared

The Joy of Cigarettes

So a new patient came into the office the other day sounding like she had a pile of gravel stuck in her throat. She looked 20 years older than her age and could hardly get across the room without suckin' wind.

"I'll be honest with ya, doc." she said. "I do smoke cigarettes."

Hmmmm. Really? And do you think that just might be a mistake?

Later, I'm driving home and the person in the car in front of me is smoking and throws his cigarette out onto the street. What is it about smokers that makes them believe that the world is their ashtray? Are they that lazy that they can't use the ashtray which sits within arms reach in their car?

And one more thing. On the way to work yesterday I saw a lady combing her hair and putting on every bit of her makeup in the car. OK, I see that plenty of times. But then another lady behind me whipped out her deoderant put it on at a stoplight. Now how did she remember to put that in the car, and yet not remember to put it on in the first place?

And if anyone else watches The Amazing Race besides me and Sumeet, please tell me you saw the finale Tuesday night. Loved it. My favorite team won and all is right in the world.

Priya pee-peed in the potty twice the other day. Maybe by accident, but hey, I'm thrilled.

I wanna get drunk

So I was watching "Airline" on A&E last night and the theme for the show was "Let's get drunk, miss our flight, and blame the airlines." Every fool who did this not only got some air time on national telivision, but they got a full refund of their flight! Since when did this start? If I were to buy my tickets in advance and need to cancel due to my head falling off I wouldn't get a refund!

"Well, Ms B, that's because you bought those tickets in advance and they're nonrefundable, nontransferable, and subject to a $100 fee for changing them."

"But my head just fell off! I really don't think I can fly if my head is not attached. And I'm bleeding everywhere. Aren't you worried about getting your airplane soiled?"

"No, we're not worried. We now have fancy vinyl seats on all our flights. And if you read the fine print of your contract you will see that having your head fall off does not constitute a valid reason to refund or change your ticket."

"Okay, but I could be a security risk. See, I can't really see to get to my seat without my head, and I might bump into other passengers. Worse yet, I might even inadvertently fall into the cockpit trying to go to the bathroom. The pilot may panic and crash the plane. See?"

"No, I don't see, and obviously you don't either. And that's because your head is sitting on the floor. Now, would you like to pay the $100 change fee and catch the next flight tomorrow morning?"

"Ummm, let's see. . . how about NOOOO. I really think I'll bleed to death by then. And what contract are you talking about? I didn't sign a contract. I just bought some tickets."

"The tickets ARE your contract. WHY do people come to the airport without reading their tickets? This really makes my job difficult. Now, let me ask again. Do you want to sign over your first born child and take the next flight or stand here and bleed on my carpet?"

"My first born child? I thought you wanted $100!"

"$100, first born child, it's all the same. . . "

"Are you crazy?!? Do you think my beautiful incredible intelligent child is only worth $100? Seriously? NOW you've crossed the line. NOW I'm pissed off. NOW I want to talk to your supervisor."

"Please calm down Ms. B. And watch your language. Do you kiss your children with that mouth? I'm just trying to do my job."

"I will NOT calm down. You're about to see what ANGRY is all about. Just get me your supervisor and find the cameramen and tell them to focus that lens onME, because I'm about to cause a SCENE!"

"Ms. B, you are acting a bit erracitcally. Have you had anything to drink today?"

"DRINK? Yes, I've had something to drink! Wouldn't you if you had my stressful crazy life? My head just fell off! Of course I've had something to drink! I'm drunk off my gourd! I'm high as a kite! Do you want a sobriety test? I'll fail it for you!"

"Well, you should have said so ma'am. You are now a security risk and therefore cannot board our aircraft. I'm terribly sorry but we'll have to refund your ticket, put you up in the nearest hotel until you sober up. You can then catch the next flight out tomorrow. First class. Because we treat our drunk customers with respect. Now our headless customers have no rights. But I don't make the rules. I just enforce them. Here's your ticket, your hotel information, and a nice bag in which to place you head. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines."

Jack Handy

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write a thing. So I'll just put down some thoughts that have occurred to me in the last few days.

My parents are occasionally TOO cheerful. They know what I'm talking about.

Really strange shows come on TV in the middle of the night. HBO had "Miss Black Nude America" on last night. Or something like that. I only know this because I watch TV while I feed the baby. . .

Ellen DeGeneres is a great comedian.

My garage door is too small for my SUV. That is why I've banged it up twice in the last week trying to get it in the garage. It couldn't be because I'm a bad driver.

My sister E. McPan is way too intelligent. I just don't understand some of her blog posts. . .

Why do people call Garage Sales "Yard Sales" in the South?

My brother "hearsedrv" is smarter than he sounds. I just don't understand some of his blog posts. . .

Don't feed your toddler chocolate pudding. It will make her poop really stinky.

I watch a lot of Sesame Street. Big Bird is a real whiner. "Oh no! I can't seem to find ERRRRNIE!!! He says he's hiding behind something that rhymes with kneeeee and the only thing here is this treeeee! What will I do NOW?? "

Elmo always talks in third person, which is annoying.

When people don't think your baby is cute, they resort to saying things like "What a lot of hair!!" or "She sure has long fingers! She'll be a piano player for sure!"

Why do the nurses and doctors feel compelled to remind new mothers not to have sex for six weeks after the birth of their baby? Didn't they witness what just happenned down there? Do I really need to be REMINDED? And why six weeks? Who participated in that study?

Did the "Boat Men of Vietnam Who Kind of Knew John Kerry for Truth" come up with their name before this election campaign? Did they just tack on the "for Truth" later? Does it ligitimize their statement? Why not form the "Black Nude Women of America for Truth?" Maybe they could give testimonials too.

My lungs hurt. . .

My brother is a redneck. I don't know why. We were raised in the same house by the same parents. But someone must have put something in his fruity pebbles when he was a kid. I don't know what it was, but it has affected him. It really has.

He called me today to ask me some medical questions. Our conversation went something like this:

"I'm worried about my lungs."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I may have inhaled some chlorine when I was putting it in my new pool."
"How did you do that?"
"I was trying to be careful, you know. Because I did the same thing 20 years ago except it was much worse. I was blackin' out and everything that time. Do you remember that? You were just a kid, but my friends had to drive me to the hospital in the old El Camino. Did I ever tell you what Mom did during that whole thing? Oh, that's a good story. I should write that one in my blog. . . "
While he went on to tell me the story of how Mom read a novel while some minister spoke in tongues over his near lifeless body my toddler starteed screaming at the top of her lungs. I was having a hard time hearing him talk, so I tried to cut to the chase.
"So, what are your symptoms?"
"Wow, you're toddler sure sounds unhappy. Is she unhappy? What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, really. She's just trying to get used to her new little sister being around."
"Oh, poor you. That sucks, man. I wouldn't want to be you right now. . . "
"So, what symptoms do you have?"
"Oh, well, I'm coughing real bad at night and I couldn't sleep last night. And my chest hurts. And my throat is sore. And my whole body aches."
"When did all this start?"
"About two hours after I put the chlorine in the pool. I was trying to be real careful, see, because I had done this before. I put it in while staying as far away from it as I could. Of course I put my face pretty much in the stuff 20 years ago. That was the difference. I was blackin' out and everything."
"But your symptoms started two hours later. . . "
"Oh, yeah. I was swimming, see and my mother-in-law was there but I made her turn around because I didn't have clothes on. And when I got out of the pool it just hit me. My whole body hurt and my throat was sore. I just went to bed and slept all day. And I called in sick the next day. I've never called in sick in SIX YEARS! And it's been four days and I still feel like crap. Of course, I haven't passed out or anything like the first time. That's a good thing."
"Um, yeah. So, have you had any fever?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Are you bringing up anything when you cough?"
"No."
"Any trouble breathing?"
"Only when I lay down. I've been working all day on this pool and can breathe fine."
"Okay, well I think you may have an inhalation injury from the chlorine. But you may also have a viral illness. I would treat you symptomatically with an inhaler and a strong cough medicine with codeine or hydrocodone."
"Oooooh, no. I think I'll pass on that. I took some of that when I broke my foot, which still hurts like hell by the way. Anyway, what was the name of that stuff? Hey (wife) where's that bottle? Man, did I get sick. I must have taken it the night before, or no, was it the morning? It must have been the morning before work. No, because you can't drive when you take it. So I took it when I got to work. And later that day I TREW UP in my cubicle. That may have been because I took it on an empty stomach. . . "
"Well, yes, that's true. It likely did contribute to it."
"So I don't want any of that, and besides, I took a Halls and got some sleep after that."
"Oh, so if the Halls worked I wouldn't take anything else. But you may need an inhaler."
"You know, we have inhalers around here. Hey (wife) where is that inhaler? I know we have one because (son) used it. I'll just use his. Or (wife's). Oh yeah, here it is. It says. . . Proventil. Will that do? It expired in November 2003, but that's okay. I can use it anyway. We have great insurance. Everything is only $6 for medications."
"Maybe I should call you in a new inhaler."
"Nahhh. This will work. But, listen, will this heal my lungs?"
"No, this will only help with your symptoms. If you develop a high fever or trouble breathing you should go see your doctor."
"Well, that's what I was wonderin'!! I just want to make sure my lungs aren't fillin' up with fluid. So I'm not gonna die?"
"No, I doubt it. But this may be a virus, which is why your body is aching."
"My body is aching because I've been bustin' my ass on this pool. Man I'm tired. Y'know, me and (wife) aren't getting any younger. We're so tired. And my foot still hurts. But that's because I kicked the dog with it the other day."
"Why did you kick the dog?"
"Oh, I don't know. He got out of the yard one too many times I guess. Dumb dog."
"Right. So why do you swim in the nude?"
"Why not? I just wanted to."
"Aren't you worried someone will see you?"
"Naw, I have a privacy fence. But I did see the neighbor naked. And that wasn't pretty. She's 60 years old and weighs 300 pounds. Close your blinds lady! And the other neighbor just had a baby so she's still fat and ugly. . . "

I don't know why he was looking in the neighbor's window, or if he also works on the pool in the nude. I really hope not. But I think he'll live. At least until the pool needs more chlorine. . .