You Don't Own Me

Apparantly Big Brother thinks he owns me. He bought shares of my blog and has ordered me to post more often. So here it is on a Friday night and the girls are asleep and my hair is wet (first shower this week!) and I stink from my sunless tanner. But I have a beautiful bronze glow to hide my cellulite on my massive thighs. And with that lovely image. . .

Husband is asleep on the floor. He has been working his ass off all week and we were talking about the girls, work, etc, and he fell asleep. Poor thing. He just woke up and rolled over. He is in the fetal position. Somebody do something!

I've put both girls in the same room! Oh, what a big step! Last night was the first night and Toddler woke up Little Bit at 2:00 am. Tonight they both went to sleep at 9:08!!! Heaven!!! I really think they'll enjoy being in the same room. I know I enjoyed sharing a room with my lovely sisters for years on end. My younger sister is a saint. She had to put up with a lot of neurotic behavior on my part. And it only got worse as I hit junior high. Luckily, I got my own room by then. I plan on splitting Toddler and Little Bit up when they hit 12 or 13. Unless they just want to stay roomies. . .

Both girls are sick with colds. Lots of green crud bubbling out of their noses all week long. Husband has hardly been around to see it, but did manage to catch the cold two days ago.

Toddler learned how to blow bubbles in the bathtub tonight. And I don't mean from her bottom! She was pretty pleased with herself. I think I'll start teaching her to swim this summer.

And Little Bit learned to vomit behind my back. Two nights ago I spent an hour getting Toddler to sleep (ears infected AGAIN) and finally checked on Little Bit at around midnight. She was sound asleep and covered in vomit. Her hair was matted with it and the bed was soaked. Gross. So she had a bath at midnight. Didn't even cry. I love that kid!

We're going to Orlando to Sea World in three days. I've rented all the equipment and have the ticket confimation numbers set. I'm ready. This WILL be a seamless, fun, relaxing vacation. And if the girls are not enjoying themselves I will give them some sage advice handed down to me by my dear father. "Smile, damnit!"

Are you Drunk or What?

The other night I went to eat dinner with some friends. Now, they have two children about my girls' age and we picked Prom night when the kids were hungry and antsy. But that wasn't the problem. After waiting 20 minutes to get to a table I was told they didn't have enough high chairs. No problem, I'm flexible. So I put toddler in a booster chair. Meanwhile, Little Bit began crying and wouldn't stay in the stroller. I was trying to keep toddler occupied, keep Little Bit calm and pick out dinner for myself and Husband (who was at work). It didn't take but three minutes for Toddler to fall out of her chair and onto her face on the floor. She erupted into screams and sixteen pairs of eyes turned to stare. No problem, people stare all the time. But then this heavy set man came over and began yelling at my friend's husband. He told him to take his kids outside and don't come to the restaurant with his kids, etc, etc. My friend's husband (a Saint) told him we had just as much right to be there as anyone else. Then the man said "If you can't afford a babysitter, then don't come!" That was a stupid comment all on it's own since my friend's husband is an orthopedic surgeon and can certainly afford a babysitter. But he didn't get mad. He just looked at him and said "This conversation is over. Get out of my face."
I, of course, was furious. My hands were shaking I was so mad. So I put Toddler back in her seat and tried to calm my nerves while calming Little Bit. Meanwhile, Toddler fell AGAIN and hit the floor. I felt horrible. I finally took her outside to calm both of us down. I also waited until Mr. Butthead got up to leave and gave him a piece of my mind. A small piece, but a piece just the same.
"Are you drunk to be acting that way?" I asked. I then told him that I was this child's mother and he shouldn't have yelled at my friend's husband. He said "What kind of mother lets her child fall out of a chair TWICE??" A terrible one. A negligent one. A tired, confused and frustrated one.
But at least I'm not a butthead.
I wish I had quick and witty retort. But I didn't. I just sputtered and stalked off. Ugghhh.

And here is a sample of some great quotes I've heard this week.

"Jeffry Dalhmer grew up in a strict religious family, but he lost his religion during his killing spree." -From an A&E documentary

"That's so cute!" -Toddler's current response to any shirt you show her.

"Ted Bundy was a Republican." Of couse! - From an A&E documentary.

I Brake for Valium

So the other day I drove my new shiny minivan to work with the emergency brake on the entire way. That's roughly 20 minutes. I wondered why it didn't have much pick up and go. It took me all day to get the courage to tell Husband. He very carefully started breathing through his nose so as to not say something he would regret. Finally, he asked "Didn't you realize it was on?"

Hmmmm. Let's think about that. Should I say "Yes, dear. I was aware the whole time but thought I'd go ahead and keep it on in case a true emergency arose. I would be quite prepared with my emergency brake already applied." Or should I say "No, I had no idea it was on. Nobody told me. The car didn't bing or ding or make any noise to alert me. It's Toyota's fault."

But, instead, I just cut him a look that said "That is one of those questions you don't ask your wife if you want to live to see 40." He got the message.

And yesterday a patient fired me. He didn't say anything to me but his girlfriend called the office later and told the office manager I wouldn't refill his medications and laughed at him. Yes, that's me. I like to refuse much needed medical treatment and giggle at patients' suffering. It's just so darn funny!!!

Ends up he takes too much of a certain sedative and also drinks too much of a certain alcohol along with it. Silly me. I wouldn't let him have more sedatives. Of course, I also didn't give him any antibiotics for his viral sinus infection. Bad doctor! Bad doctor! He refuses to see me again, but would gladly accept another refill of his sedative while he looks for another physician.

I'm including a great picture of Little Bit. Her two eyeteeth have come in and her two bottom front teeth are in so she looks like she has little fangs. They're rather sharp, as those of us who have put our fingers in her mouth have discovered. Ask Husband. He yelps everytime he does it but keeps going back for more.

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Two-burty

And let the fun begin. . .

Today is Toddler's birthday. She is two. Fav Neighb gave me an article about two years olds and how this time should be called Two-burty since two year olds act like they're in puberty without the acne. So true.



I was so wrapped up in the party that I forgot to feed Little Bit. After six hours without food she began wailing. I'm terrible. Just awful. Somebody fire me.

But even if I'm a failure as a mother, I at least look like I know what I'm doing. When I'm driving, that is. We just got our new minivan. It is so nice and shiny!!! Hee hee hee. I played with all the bells and whistles for a while tonight. Husband said I better enjoy it since it's the only car I'm going to get for 15 years. Right. Then he cleaned out the SUV until it sparkled (since we traded in his car and he is going to drive the SUV now). He was disgusted with the things he found in there. "No food or drink in the new car!" he roared. OK, honey. You tell Toddler that when she is screaming for juice halfway between here and nowhere. I'd like to see how long that lasts.

He then went inside, got on the internet and looked at his Dream Cars. The latest is a Mercedes CLS500 or something like that. It costs about as much as a small house. He always talks big but never buys big. I told him to buy the Ford Festiva and get it over with. It gets good gas mileage and will get him from here to there. I think he said No to that one. I suggested it and left the room quickly.

I should quit blogging. I'm giving a talk to some women next week about hormone replacement therapy and I haven't even finished my slides. See, I'm a failure as a mother and as a doctor.

But my minivan sure is shiny!

Easter

Here is Toddler enjoying her new water table. She really loves that thing.


And here is Little Bit this sitting with her Nanny


Nanny put Toddler's hair in pigtails so I had to take a picture.

Clean and Dry

A few days back a patient called and said she accidentally washed her prescription for pain medication with her clothes and needed another one. I asked her to bring the old one in (because I trust no one these days) and I would write her another. She finally brought in the crumbly and barely legible prescription and I wrote her a new one. Before the nurse took it to her she asked me if I had any special instructions for her.

"Yeah, tell her Dry Clean Only." Heh heh heh

I'm so clever.

And in other news, Husband is angry because toddler is talking like a Southener. One of her nanny's is from Alabama and we've decided to blame her. She says things like "Deener" instead of Dinner and "Deeown" in stead of Down. Drives him crazy. Of course, toddler knows it and teases him everytime he walks in the door. I told him we shouldn't raise her in the South if he doesn't want her to talk that way.

Speaking of, family sometimes asks me to relate more Southern terms I learn in my practice. Here is a list of the current ones:

Liter = muscle
Kernel = lymph node
Pone = fat pad (or loaf of corn bread)
Fall Out = to faint
Nature is bad = impotence
Sugar = diabetes
All Stoved up = stiff (from arthritis)
Dizzy Headed = dizzy
Vomickin = vomit
Once't day = Once a day
Twice't day = Twice a day
Chest is tired = Chest pain
Diarareer = diarrhea
Foggy Headed = stupid


And to E.McPan - I didn't mean to imply you don't do anything outside of blogging. That's just it. I can't believe you accomplish as much as you do and still manage to blog that much! I can't do that. I'm too foggy headed.

Pictures!

I've just figured out how to put pictures on my blog! Watch out world, here we come! I'm going to post pics for family (since they're the only ones who read my little blog anyway). Enjoy!

Here is Little Bit sitting up and quite proud of herself.


Here, Mom, is how the cute jacket and hat fit toddler. She's so happy to have it on!!

Will Blog for Money

My sister, E.McPan, is the most amazing blogger. The girl must have hours of time on her hands because she writes a new blog about every 8 minutes. Seriously. I don't understand this at all since she is a law student and makes As in all her classes. When she was home for Thanksgiving another sister with two children said she just couldn't get to her computer to read the blogs. E McPan was somewhat incredulous. "What? Was something in front of it?" Yes. Children. Work. Life.

So I read recently that you can make money blogging. One man does it and is a part time law professor. He put a tip can on his blog site and there you go. Now advertisers are on his site and he makes about $3,000 a month. Since E.McPan is so interesting and gifted I think she too ought to make some extra money too.

As for me, I'm lucky to blog something once a month. But that's okay, because I don't have many interesting things to say anyway.

And let it be known that George W. Bush has no right to let the federal courts micromanage my health care or the care of any of my patients. If I want to die peacefully in the privacy of my home I will do it. No Republican is going to stop me.

But I did sleep at the Holiday Inn Express. . .

You know your doctor's an Idiot when:

You tell her you had a double mastectomy twenty years ago and she asks you when your last mammogram was.

You tell her you're having chest pain and she asks "So where is the pain, exactly?"

She stops you in the middle of a sentance and says "Wait, go back. I didn't hear anything you just said." Yet she was looking right at you the whole time.

She walks into the room and introduces herself and asks "Have I seen you before?" This would be fine if it wasn't the third time you had seen her in the last two months.

You tell her you had a hysterectomy ten years ago and she asks "So when was your last menstrual cycle?"

And on the flip side: You know your patient is not quite with it when:

You ask them when they had their appendix removed and they say "Right after I had my knee replaced." Oh, okay. I was sitting right there, and I remember that day fondly. . .

You ask them to describe their pain and even give examples such as "crampy, dull, sharp, etc" and all they can say is "It just hurts." Okay. Where does it hurt? "Everywhere." Okay, how long has it been hurting? "A while" Hmmm, how long, exactly , is a while? "Well, it started after I had my appendix taken out." And when was that? "Right after I had my knee replaced. . . "

You ask them if they're allergic to any medications and they say "Oh yes. Benadryl." Oh. How is one allergic to allergy medicine?

Listen Here Little Missy

Today an elderly man who had undergone surgery a couple of weeks ago came to see me. His incision had become infected and he had just finished a week of antibiotics the surgeon had given him. It still hasn't healed, so he came to see me. Me, the internist. Me, the one who was not even remotely involved in his surgery.

After examining him I decided he may need drainage of this infection and wisely suggested he go back to the surgeon. This really made him angry. "I knew you would tell me that. Listen, all you guys do is send me back to the surgeons. I know what I need, little missy. In my day we didn't have doctors, we just treated ourselves. I've been around here a lot longer than you and what I need is some antibiotics. I'm tired of you docs sending me all over the place and always acting scared that you're going to be sued. But if you want me to go to the surgeon I'll do it. Just make the appointment and I'll be on my way. I guess you can't do anything else. . . "

I wrote him a prescription for the antibiotics and he huffed out of the room. I'm glad I went to four years of medical school, three years of residency and put myself into six figure debt so I could learn how to write the prescriptions my patients tell me to write. It was all worth it.

Last night Husband said "You go to bed and I'll get up with the girls if they wake up. You need to rest!" So I dutifully went to bed at 9:30 and promptly woke up at 10:30 when Little Bit (seven month old) was crying. Husband was in the other room on the computer so I went in and told him. Later she woke up again (around 1:00 am) and he kept on sleeping. So I went in and tried to get her back to sleep (hard to do with her persistent cough). It took about an hour. At 4:00 am Toddler woke up and wanted "Mommie lay down!" After about 10 minutes I gave up trying to get her to sleep because we were both wide awake and I was in the process of coughing up my right lung. So I decided to take a shower. It's all about time conservation. I knew I wouldn't have time for a shower before work so why just sit around waiting to get back to sleep? Husband finally woke up then and said "But I didn't hear the girls crying!" Of course you didn't, silly. I knew you wouldn't. But it was a sweet gesture just the same.

Now I've lost my voice completely and my throat is on fire. I've hacked up one lung and am working on the other. Little Bit continues to have a low grade fever and Toddler has been introduced to the "Naughty Chair" because of her incredible behavior. Yes, I stole that from Supernanny, but it works!

And in other news, Husband is haggling with a Toyota dealership over the internet to get us a new minivan! He really knows his business and we're saving quite a bit by doing this over the internet. Go Husband!

The House of The Damned

The entire family is sick. Husband has the flu with body aches, fever and cough. Toddler has ear infections, won't eat ANYTHING, and is extremely CRANKY. Seven month old has a cold with high fevers that kept her up most of Saturday night. I have a cold and pharyngitis. I'm the lucky one. I've been vomited on six times, toddler thinks I'm her walking snot rag, and husband wonders what's for dinner. "I'm hungry" he says. So I oblige and make him some of his favorite comfort food. I think he is happy. He grunts.

It was a weekend of testing our limits as parents. You hate to see your children suffer, but you just want to go to bed yourself and wish they would take the antibiotic, or drink their juice, or sleep, or just stop begging to be held so you could get some sleep yourself.

By Sunday morning I cried UNCLE! I called my wonderful nanny and asked her to PLEASE come over after church just so we could get some rest. Just for one hour??? She is so nice that she declared herself on "Grandma Duty" and she came over and cleaned the nasty kitchen, vaccummed the den, folded laundry and played with Toddler Crankpot. I ran to the store and bought much needed food. Later, my Favorite Neighbor (or "Fav Neighb" as we call her) came over unannounced with Lasagna. Delicious home made Lasagna and my favorite cookies. How did she know? Word must have gotten out from the play group moms. We all have a radar for each other's kids' illnesses. That, and we want to stay as far away from them as we can.

Husband is blowing loads of junk out of his nose and announced today that he thinks this stuff would make great lubrication for car parts. That's just gross.

So after the Weekend of the Damned I went to work this morning.

There are three of us docs in our practice. We're all female, all about the same age, and have all have had a child this year. Doc # 3 just had her second little boy two days ago and we're covering for her while she is gone. I walked into an office with about one hundred charts to be reviewed. Seriously. And Monday is the day for sick people to crawl into the office begging for Z-packs and Hydrocodone. But given all that work and craziness, I felt like I was on a vacation compared to what we went through this past weekend. I LOVE MONDAYS!

This is My Life

This week has been so busy I've hardly had time to talk with anyone. So I'll just blog the main points of my week.

My daughter (almost 2 yo) became sick Monday and developed a temp of 104.5 twice. We had to wrap her in cool towels and put her in a tepid bathtub to bring it down. She had temps up to 103.5 for the next two days and felt awful. Finally they broke and she started to recover for the next two days. This morning, however, she developed another temp of 102.5 and wouldn't eat or do much of anything except watch "Bee-o" (Baby Einstein videos). I took her back to the pediatrician and she now has two bad ear infections. Poor thing. I paid $50 for the antibiotic just because it is a once a day medication and getting any meds down her is an act of God.

My husband became sick two days ago with severe sore throat and body aches. He cannot take a day off work because in his type of medicine patients "prep" for their colonoscopies the night before and if anyone other than George W himself cancels their procedure they may kill someone. So he went to work with fevers and sinus congestion, etc.

The last time he did this he had an ear infection too and was just about to do a colonoscopy on a patient when he became so dizzy he almost passed out. I had to cancel several of my patient's appointments to go pick him up. He was the butt of many jokes after that. (Pun fully intended).

We are trying to buy a minivan but we can't decide between the Honda Odyssey and the Toyota Sienna. I test drove an Odyssey on Wednesday and decided I liked the Toyota better. An hour and a half after the test drive I found the key to the Odyssey in my pocket. The car salesman must have been panicked because he didn't even know my name. I called him back and after a ten minute hold by the operator he came to the phone. Our conversation was something like this:

"Hi, Frank, this is the lady that test drove the Odyssey with you earlier today."

"DO YOU HAVE MY KEY?!!!!!"

"Yes, I've got it right here. Now, if you give me $2,000 dollars cash your manager may not have to find out about this. If you refuse, I simply give him a call and let him know what an idiot he has for an employee to let you give the keys to the new cars out to total strangers. What do you say?"

Okay, that was a fantasy. I actually just told him I had the key and would bring it by after my doctor's appointment. He was quite relieved.

Yesterday I installed a motion detector for the light switch in our bedroom. Okay, I started the project but the husband finished it. I have to try to sneak around and do projects around the house, because once he catches wind of it he comes running to "do it right." I'm a good sport, but I'm worried about when we retire and spend too much time in the house together. I may not get to do anything except the laundry, dishes and household chores. I'll be so bored.

The motion detector, by the way, only works if you're about 20 feet away. It has a hard time sensing motion right in front of it. Weird. It must have been put in wrong. . .

Well, my six month old just threw up on the husband. Maybe I should help clean him up. Can I handle that job?

See A World

I've finally done it. I've made the final plans and reservations for our trip to Sea World this Spring. It's hard to figure out where to take a 9 month old and 2 year old. Would they enjoy the Grand Canyon? What about Big Sky, Montana? Ahh Heck, who am I kidding? They'll be happy/miserable/unpredictable wherever we go. But we'll be going in style. I insisted on a decent resort to stay in for a good price, and found it this afternoon. It only took me seventeen hours of sorting through 1,256 hotels to find it. And reading the reviews about all of them gets very tiring. Some people are soooo picky. For example:
"Our room was not exactly clean. I checked under the bed, behind the dresser, inside all the drawers and on the window sills and found a smidgon of dust. We certainly won't stay HERE again."
Oh, please. Don't ever come to my house, then. And why check behind the dresser? Will you be eating off that wall?
Anyway, we're only staying four nights and bringing loads of baby stuff. Two ginormous car seats, one ginormous double stroller, two booster seats, a portable potty seat, bottles, and. . . wait a minute. I may be able to rent this stuff from some rental place. I've done it before. Yay! Back to the internet to search for more vacation stuff. This is really exhausting. . .

Which vagina do I use?

A patient came to see me yesterday and through our discussion I discovered she was in need of some vaginal hormone cream. I wrote her a prescription and sent her on her way. Today she called my nurse and asked how to use the cream. "Just use it as prescribed," she told her. "But it says to put 2 grams into BOTH vaginas," she said. "What other place am I supposed to put it in?" The nurse thought about it a second and said "I guess just put it in your ear. It will meet up eventually. . . "

Honest to God true story.

Ya gotta love the South.

Blankeeeeee!!!!

I did a really stupid thing two years ago. I bought a yellow receiving blanket and constantly put it in my daughter's crib. She eventually became attached to it and now, at 21 months, is obsessed with it. She drags it everywhere and it gets extremely dirty. Today I washed it and that was the longest hour and a half of my life. You would have thought I was cutting off her right arm the way she screamed. So I vowed to find some extra blankets to have on reserve.

The problem is that this particular blanket has been discontinued. Luckily I have found two on ebay and have bids on both. What the sellers don't know is that I'd pay $100 for them if I had to. I hope they're not reading this blog. . . .

Minivans R Us

I have finally convinced the better half that we need a minivan. It took a test drive to do it. He has been resisting for months because they're just not attractive. He wanted a bigger SUV instead. I said, "well, let's go for a test drive of both cars and see what we think." Heh, heh, heh. So I dutifully drove the Sequoia and made comments like "Wow, it's so BIG and roomy. I need a stepstool to get the girls in their carseats, but I need the exercise, so that's a plus!" Then we drove the Sienna (minivan) and gosh darnit if it doesn't have more cargo space than the Sequoia! Automatic side doors and rear hatch. Fold down third row seats! DVD player and cupholders everywhere! It even has a navigation system with a rearview camera that goes on everytime you put the car in reverse! I won't run over small animals or children backing out of the garage! Such convenience! Such comfort! Each child gets her own seat!

Ahhhh. So he was convinced. "But we're not buying a new one! That's a waste of money! They depreciate worse than any other car! And I won't be seen in it!"

Ok. I'll be seen in it. Every single day. And I'll wear my minivan badge of parenthood with pride. Now if I can only talk him into the navigation system with rearview camera. . .

It occurred to me the other day that I have rather large canines or "eye teeth." They're so long and pointed that I look like I'm going to tear into a wildebeast at any moment. So I decided to get them corrected. I researched some web sites and did my homework and then visited some cosmetic dentists. In the process I noticed my two front teeth are also too large. So large and wide I feel like a rabbit (about to tear into a wildebeast).

The dentists agreed, of course, that I could improve my smile with eight vaneers bonded to the front of my teeth to even out my "dispraportionately large front teeth and rounded canines." This way I could have a mouthful of teeth as big as my front ones. Very attractive. The process would take only two visits and cost $9,000.

Hmmmm. I thought about it for about 2 seconds and said "I'll check with my husband." That's the best thing about being married. I can act stupid and helpless when I want to. Sometimes it's not an act. You never know. . .

The husband just laughed at the thought and said I had fine teeth and if I wanted to put my money into anything, how about a boob job? Hahahaha. He tried to pass it off as a joke, but I know he wasn't kidding.

This whole process made me realize that I'm very glad my parents decided to make me wear braces for 2 1/2 loooong years and a retainer for 4 years after that. Imagine what I would look like if they hadn't! And those braces couldn't have been cheap. Especially when you have fourteen other children to feed. Maybe my parents did a pretty good job raising me after all. . .

Now, about that boob job. . .

Huuuug!!!

Priya hugs everything. And I mean everything. Not just teddy bears and stuffed bunnies (although they're subject to it too), but everything. Yesterday she had a sticker she particularly liked and gave it a big hug. When she does that she squints up her eyes, raises her chin, and declares "Huuuug!" so we all know what she's doing. Occasionally a particularl object deserves a kiss too. Lucky sticker.

I mailed out all my Christmas gifts the other day. Seven boxes of presents to Texas, Oregon and South Carolina. I took Priya with me to mail them and she demanded two pens from the UPS lady. "Huuuug!" for the pens.

I was reading E. McPan's blog this morning and feeling particularly stupid. What's it like to be in her world of law students and intelligent people? I wonder if she would like to be a part of mine. It consists of poopie diapers and spit up. And stupidity. My excuse is hormones. Seriously. Since I've had children my IQ has taken a true tumble. This morning I told a patient I was flighty and advised her to find another physician. She just laughed. I'm not sure I was kidding.

Anyway, I wish I could blog everyday with interesting anecdotes about my life. But I can't blog because I don't have time and I don't have too many interesting things happening. Unless you count Anjali eating solids exciting. Or Priya pee-peeing in the potty fun.

My life is great, though. I have absolutely no complaints.

Huuuuug!!!

You know you're tired when. . .

The baby is still waking up to eat two to three times a night. I'm getting so tired that every three or four days I do something really stupid. This morning I brushed my teeth with my facial cleanser. Seriously. Tasted horrible.

My poor patients should be really really scared