You Don't Own Me

Apparantly Big Brother thinks he owns me. He bought shares of my blog and has ordered me to post more often. So here it is on a Friday night and the girls are asleep and my hair is wet (first shower this week!) and I stink from my sunless tanner. But I have a beautiful bronze glow to hide my cellulite on my massive thighs. And with that lovely image. . .

Husband is asleep on the floor. He has been working his ass off all week and we were talking about the girls, work, etc, and he fell asleep. Poor thing. He just woke up and rolled over. He is in the fetal position. Somebody do something!

I've put both girls in the same room! Oh, what a big step! Last night was the first night and Toddler woke up Little Bit at 2:00 am. Tonight they both went to sleep at 9:08!!! Heaven!!! I really think they'll enjoy being in the same room. I know I enjoyed sharing a room with my lovely sisters for years on end. My younger sister is a saint. She had to put up with a lot of neurotic behavior on my part. And it only got worse as I hit junior high. Luckily, I got my own room by then. I plan on splitting Toddler and Little Bit up when they hit 12 or 13. Unless they just want to stay roomies. . .

Both girls are sick with colds. Lots of green crud bubbling out of their noses all week long. Husband has hardly been around to see it, but did manage to catch the cold two days ago.

Toddler learned how to blow bubbles in the bathtub tonight. And I don't mean from her bottom! She was pretty pleased with herself. I think I'll start teaching her to swim this summer.

And Little Bit learned to vomit behind my back. Two nights ago I spent an hour getting Toddler to sleep (ears infected AGAIN) and finally checked on Little Bit at around midnight. She was sound asleep and covered in vomit. Her hair was matted with it and the bed was soaked. Gross. So she had a bath at midnight. Didn't even cry. I love that kid!

We're going to Orlando to Sea World in three days. I've rented all the equipment and have the ticket confimation numbers set. I'm ready. This WILL be a seamless, fun, relaxing vacation. And if the girls are not enjoying themselves I will give them some sage advice handed down to me by my dear father. "Smile, damnit!"

Are you Drunk or What?

The other night I went to eat dinner with some friends. Now, they have two children about my girls' age and we picked Prom night when the kids were hungry and antsy. But that wasn't the problem. After waiting 20 minutes to get to a table I was told they didn't have enough high chairs. No problem, I'm flexible. So I put toddler in a booster chair. Meanwhile, Little Bit began crying and wouldn't stay in the stroller. I was trying to keep toddler occupied, keep Little Bit calm and pick out dinner for myself and Husband (who was at work). It didn't take but three minutes for Toddler to fall out of her chair and onto her face on the floor. She erupted into screams and sixteen pairs of eyes turned to stare. No problem, people stare all the time. But then this heavy set man came over and began yelling at my friend's husband. He told him to take his kids outside and don't come to the restaurant with his kids, etc, etc. My friend's husband (a Saint) told him we had just as much right to be there as anyone else. Then the man said "If you can't afford a babysitter, then don't come!" That was a stupid comment all on it's own since my friend's husband is an orthopedic surgeon and can certainly afford a babysitter. But he didn't get mad. He just looked at him and said "This conversation is over. Get out of my face."
I, of course, was furious. My hands were shaking I was so mad. So I put Toddler back in her seat and tried to calm my nerves while calming Little Bit. Meanwhile, Toddler fell AGAIN and hit the floor. I felt horrible. I finally took her outside to calm both of us down. I also waited until Mr. Butthead got up to leave and gave him a piece of my mind. A small piece, but a piece just the same.
"Are you drunk to be acting that way?" I asked. I then told him that I was this child's mother and he shouldn't have yelled at my friend's husband. He said "What kind of mother lets her child fall out of a chair TWICE??" A terrible one. A negligent one. A tired, confused and frustrated one.
But at least I'm not a butthead.
I wish I had quick and witty retort. But I didn't. I just sputtered and stalked off. Ugghhh.

And here is a sample of some great quotes I've heard this week.

"Jeffry Dalhmer grew up in a strict religious family, but he lost his religion during his killing spree." -From an A&E documentary

"That's so cute!" -Toddler's current response to any shirt you show her.

"Ted Bundy was a Republican." Of couse! - From an A&E documentary.

I Brake for Valium

So the other day I drove my new shiny minivan to work with the emergency brake on the entire way. That's roughly 20 minutes. I wondered why it didn't have much pick up and go. It took me all day to get the courage to tell Husband. He very carefully started breathing through his nose so as to not say something he would regret. Finally, he asked "Didn't you realize it was on?"

Hmmmm. Let's think about that. Should I say "Yes, dear. I was aware the whole time but thought I'd go ahead and keep it on in case a true emergency arose. I would be quite prepared with my emergency brake already applied." Or should I say "No, I had no idea it was on. Nobody told me. The car didn't bing or ding or make any noise to alert me. It's Toyota's fault."

But, instead, I just cut him a look that said "That is one of those questions you don't ask your wife if you want to live to see 40." He got the message.

And yesterday a patient fired me. He didn't say anything to me but his girlfriend called the office later and told the office manager I wouldn't refill his medications and laughed at him. Yes, that's me. I like to refuse much needed medical treatment and giggle at patients' suffering. It's just so darn funny!!!

Ends up he takes too much of a certain sedative and also drinks too much of a certain alcohol along with it. Silly me. I wouldn't let him have more sedatives. Of course, I also didn't give him any antibiotics for his viral sinus infection. Bad doctor! Bad doctor! He refuses to see me again, but would gladly accept another refill of his sedative while he looks for another physician.

I'm including a great picture of Little Bit. Her two eyeteeth have come in and her two bottom front teeth are in so she looks like she has little fangs. They're rather sharp, as those of us who have put our fingers in her mouth have discovered. Ask Husband. He yelps everytime he does it but keeps going back for more.

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Two-burty

And let the fun begin. . .

Today is Toddler's birthday. She is two. Fav Neighb gave me an article about two years olds and how this time should be called Two-burty since two year olds act like they're in puberty without the acne. So true.



I was so wrapped up in the party that I forgot to feed Little Bit. After six hours without food she began wailing. I'm terrible. Just awful. Somebody fire me.

But even if I'm a failure as a mother, I at least look like I know what I'm doing. When I'm driving, that is. We just got our new minivan. It is so nice and shiny!!! Hee hee hee. I played with all the bells and whistles for a while tonight. Husband said I better enjoy it since it's the only car I'm going to get for 15 years. Right. Then he cleaned out the SUV until it sparkled (since we traded in his car and he is going to drive the SUV now). He was disgusted with the things he found in there. "No food or drink in the new car!" he roared. OK, honey. You tell Toddler that when she is screaming for juice halfway between here and nowhere. I'd like to see how long that lasts.

He then went inside, got on the internet and looked at his Dream Cars. The latest is a Mercedes CLS500 or something like that. It costs about as much as a small house. He always talks big but never buys big. I told him to buy the Ford Festiva and get it over with. It gets good gas mileage and will get him from here to there. I think he said No to that one. I suggested it and left the room quickly.

I should quit blogging. I'm giving a talk to some women next week about hormone replacement therapy and I haven't even finished my slides. See, I'm a failure as a mother and as a doctor.

But my minivan sure is shiny!