Sam's New Love

So I bought reusuable grocery bags. They're wonderful in that they are sturdy and hold lots of groceries. Plus, they fold up into a little pouch that I can throw in my purse. My problem is that I never remember to throw them in my purse. I'm constantly standing in the check out line thinking "Darn! I forgot my bags!" I just don't think Al Gore would be proud of me right now.

I've also discovered silk nails. What a wonder. I've had acrylics in the past and hated how thick they were. I haven't had anything on my nails for close to four years but finally decided my own nails were never ever going to grow. So I went in to the Nail Salon and the lady recommended silks. They're thinner and look like my own nails. They're pretty strong too. Plus, they last longer. I win all around! Except for the clickity clack sound they make when I type. I hate it. We have electronic medical records at work so I'm typing all day and clacking along quite loudly. It always reminds me of those obnoxious ladies that check you bags at the airport. There they are with your life in their manicured hands staring at the screen and clickity clacking along for ten solid minutes. Then they turn to you and say, "Now what was your name again?"

Sometimes I'll be typing along and tell my patients to just hold on one minute while I Google their problem. Tee Hee. If they look uneasy I reassure them that I got my medical degree online so I know what I'm doing. . .

Sam came to town with a "friend" this past weekend. She is awesome! I really like her. She is a deaf graphics designer who is Asian! And she is very very nice. She lives in Atlanta, and since I visit there often I may ask her to give me a few lessons in ASL. Maybe then I could understand half the stuff Sam says to me. . .

Medical Humor

Here are some funny stories from the work place:

1. The other day a drug rep came in to give us some samples of a sleep aid. I told her the only complaint my patients had about the drug was that it had a horrible aftertaste. She said she had a great solution for that.

"Just take it with something acidic like orange juice. . . or coffee."

Hmmmmmm. I don't think I've ever thought of taking my sleeping pills with coffee.

2. Another time I had a patient whose wife was worried about getting a biopsy of a tumor that was found in her breast. She asked her husband if he was going to the hospital with her and he reached over and patted her shoulder lovingly and said,

"Don't worry, honey. I would never miss your autopsy. . . "

True story.

3. Our lab tech was delivering some lab results to me when she said she couldn't believe this lady had genital herpes. I explained that she got it from her husband.

"But she has been married to him for like 25 years! They didn't have herpes back then, did they?"

4. During my first visit with a patient I was going through her medical history and found out she had had a double mastectomy due to cancer. That small fact must have slipped my mind a few minutes later when I asked her when her last mammogram was. She quickly began patting her chest and said

"I can't get those anymore, can I?"

5. Another time I was doing a pap smear and could not locate a women's cervix.

"Have you ever had a hysterectomy, ma'am?" I asked her.

"No."

Hmm. So I tried to locate it again and again, to no avail.

"Do you still have your uterus?" I asked.

"Oh, yes!" She replied, quite cheerily.

Finally, I asked, "Did you get your womb taken out?"

"Yes, several years back." Good thing, because I certainly can't find your cervix!

Gee Your Car Smells Terrific

So the van stunk for three days after the Vomit Debacle. I took Anjali's carseat back out and washed the cover. Sumeet smelled everywhere and couldn't find anything. I deemed that a useless endeaver since he has a poor sense of smell anyway. We were going to dinner Friday night when I stopped Sumeet so I could empty the little car trashcan I have up front.

"You didn't empty that??!!"

"Oh!" I replied "I didn't! Do you think that's where the smell is coming from?"

Of course, HE was the one who cleaned the car. HE didn't empty it either.

Okay, Mike. I know you're loving that one. Stupid doctors and all that.

I talked to Mom today, Mike. I'm not sure if I was on your list of Horrible Children, but apparently I'm off now. I think it's because I give her drugs.

Elicia, if you're reading this, good luck on your move! I'm very excited for you and JC and Peyton. I want to send you a moving package, but I'm going to wait until I ge your new address. You're getting a real dishwasher!! Wow! And all new appliances! Yay!

How does your urine smell?

So yesterday I'm driving the girls to school and Anjali starts coughing. She tends to have a sensitive gag reflex and eventually throws up her oatmeal and milk I so painstakingly made for her. It's everywhere and smells wonderful. I'm halfway to school and have to quickly decide if I will lose more time going back home or if I should risk it and hope I have an extra set of clean clothes in her book bag.

I risk it.

When I get to the school I strip her down in the parking lot and put another outfit on. Yay for me! I didn't get any vomit on my clothes, either.

Then Priya decided to throw a royal tantrum. About nothing. It wouldn't have been a big deal except she refused to budge from the center of the parking lot, right in every car's path. When I finally managed to drag her into the preschool she bolted right back out and stood again in the center of the parking lot. Arms folded. Mad as Hell.

Meanwhile I had very nice parents and teachers offering to help me with Anjali while I chased Priya down. I forgot about the gross vomit soaked dress and ran back to get Priya. She was angry because I didn't let her walk in "by myself." Oh yes, that's an excellent reason to risk life and limb in such a manner. Good call.

After walking her back in and trying not to lose my cool in front of everyone, I found Anjali's teacher holding her vomitus dress with two fingers quite delicately. She calmly found a plastic bag for it and gave it back to me without a word.

I'm so lucky that Priya decided to throw her fit at her school. If I had been in an airport or the mall I would have been embarrassed. As it was, everyone there understood and was so nice about it.

A few days earlier I had taken Priya to my office for the afternoon after her doctor's appointment. She loves to hang out at the front with the receptionist and draw pictures. There she was drawing away when a patient came to the window and told her hello and commented on how well she was drawing. Priya said thank you and the patient turned to the receptionist and said "My urine smells like sh**."

Okay. Who does that? Did you not just talk to a four year old child sitting two feet from you? What is your problem?

Anyway, the receptionist was pretty disgusted and hurried to get the patient out of there before she could say something else.

Priya knew it was a bad word and put both her hands to her mouth in mock surprise. Now, how would she know that? I never say that! I say just about everything else in the book, but never that one.

Do I?

How to be a Good Parent

The girl's preschool is sooooo busy. They're teachers send home information each day in their book bags about what is going on and what I need to do for the next class. If I were a good parent I would empty their book bag the minute they came home and prepare appropriately. Instead, I open the bag ten minutes before we leave for school and then frantically run around getting whatever they need for class that day. They're in preschool, for goodness sake! Today they were having animals from the zoo visit so they needed fruit or a vegetable to feed the animals. Next week is Teacher Appreciation Week, so I needed to sign up to substitute teach one day, or bring food, or help prepare gift baskets, help prepare a luncheon, etc, etc. If I had been prepared I would have known that I needed to have some gifts ready TODAY to put in a box for the Teachers. Instead, I was running around looking for an extra scented candle or lotion to give. Thankfully, I don't use many of my candles, so I grabbed a few votives I've never used. I thought it would be tacky to grab a half used bottle of lotion, though. Thank the good Lord Above they are only in school two days a week for three very short hours each. . .

We had our Girl's Weekend in Gatlinburg and I think I won the award for spending the most money. 75% of it was for clothes for Sumeet. Poor thing, he only has 237 shirts and 55 pairs of pants. So I had to replenesh his closet at Banana Republic. You can't beat a good sale at BR. It helps that he wears a size small in shirts and 30/30 pants. I called him to ask him what he needed and he started barking orders: "Go to the clearance rack in the back. They're having button down shirts for $19.99 now. I need these colors: blah, blah, blah" I asked about a pair of pants and he says "Are they Martin fit? Do they have the blue stripe on the inside? How much? No, that's too much. Wait! Go ahead and get them. I guess I'll use them. They're LIGHT tan right?"

My goodness. It's just clothes!

You're just too qualified to make good money

So Kat had a good job interview yesterday. Everyone cross your fingers for her. I've never seen one person go on so many job interviews and come SO CLOSE to getting a job before in my life. She gives her resume to everyone and then sits back and waits. Usually they tell her she's overqualified, which just frustrates her. It' s amazing how different each job is, too. This one is for the managing editor of a magazine. No, she doesn't have a journalism degree, but there you go. They asked her how she came up with her writing style and she said it just pops out of her head. I believe it. You should hear what just pops out of her mouth.

I'm going to Gatlinburg for a girl's weekend with several friends (we're all Moms with kids in the same playgroup). We've been in a playgroup for several years now and gotten to know each other pretty well. We're going shopping, eating out at a nice restaurant and then staying in a cozy cabin in the mountains. I think we're going to listen to Barry Manilow and the Bee Gees while we dance around in our pajamas drinking wine. I'm super stoked!

Oh, and Sumeet is going to be on TV tomorrow. He'll be shooting a segment about colorectal screening or some such thing. He is not too excited about doing it. How can you sound cool when you're talking about a tube in someone's nether regions?

As for me, I have my mug plastered on a billboard in Soddy Daisy (yes, that's the name of a town north of here). We're trying to attract patients for our new nurse practitioner. We're all wearing bikinis. He, he, he. Obviously, that ploy won't work.

Oh, and I had the oddest dream last night. Figure this one out. I dreamt the whole family met at IHOP for open bar. But they weren't serving alcohol. They were serving pancakes (especially the Rutti Tutti Fresh and Fruity). I was miffed because Mom and Pam would eat their pancakes at the bar and then disappear, making me pay the tab. How rude.

It's time for a new look. I guess if I'm going to blog correctly I should change things up a bit. So here goes. I hope you like it.

Some input would be appreciated, but I understand if you look at it and say "Whatever" and click on You Tube to watch some kids slam into fences or something.

I assume only family is reading this, but I've learned a few people accidentally stumble onto it and stay for a nanosecond before roaring off. In that regard, I want to link Kat's Myspace page onto it, but don't think I can. Plus, I've never seen it and doubt she wants the family to view it. She says she put the girls on it once. Hmmmmm. I feel so old when I'm around her. She is much more technology savvy than I am and patiently tries to teach me what she can. She is the only person I've ever sent a text message to, or received one from. It's weird. If you have something to say, why not just call?

Anyway. Husband looked at my tan today and asked how long it would last. I told him seven to ten days. "Don't you bathe?" he asked.

Greedy

I am trying very hard not to fill my most interesting blog with "kids say the darndest things." But here I go anyway.

Yesterday Anjali was playing with Priya's barbie doll. Priya was drawing a picture. When she saw Anu with her doll she demanded she give it to her. I tried to reason with Priya, but it was no use. So I told Anjali she had to return the doll to Priya because Priya didn't want to share and was feeling a bit greedy. Anjali then stomped over to Priya and yelled "Priya! Don't Greedy Me!!"

Poor Anjali had "poo poo problems" all weekend. When her new nanny asked her if she had gone poo poo in the potty she grabbed her bottom and said "No, it just stayed up in there!"

Last night Priya was upstairs in bed and asked me to get her Barbie doll for her. I asked her which one, since she has two. She said, "You know, the one with legs." Oh. Okay. That narrows it down.

And on another note, I've had several compliments from people regarding my "tan." Of course, when people asked if I was at the beach over the weekend I didn't pop up with a lie about being in Jamaica or something. Instead I told them it was a fake spray on tan. Which always led into a discussion about tanning products in general. What is my problem? When am I going to learn to just lie effortlessly?

Mike, great joke on Hillary.

Oh, and Hill and Chase, you should know Priya talks about you all the time. Your picture you sent at Christmas is in her play room. She wanted to draw a picture of each of you and wanted to know exactly how many freckles each of you have on your face. I couldn't answer. She drew you a picture of a turtle instead. You should get it in the mail soon.

It takes a lot of work to be this beautiful

-Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias.

I feel this way many times and not because I'm beautiful. Today I got a Mystic Tan. I had to. I put some shorts on and it scared me. No one should be allowed out the door with legs that white.

It was my first time at that tanning salon and the 16 year old extremely tanned and uber thin employee decided to give me a tour. Even though I told her I wasn't interested in tanning, just the Mystic Tan. The spray on. Like what Ross went through in Friends. So I reminded her of this when she showed me the Super 980,000 watt tanning bed that they only allowed you to use a maximum of 8 minutes every three months.

Hello.

Why would I want to get into that?

She was mystified that I didn't want to get a "real" tan. No pun intended.

Anyway, it was a scary experience. Three spouts blasting this cloud of brown stuff five times over each side of my body. I couldn't breathe. But I guess I got an even tan. I'm not orange.

But now that my face is tan my blonde moustache really shows. So I need to wax that and have the red blotchy goatee for 36 hours. Then I need to color my roots because they're pure white. I just colored three weeks ago. Three weeks.

I need acrylic nails because mine won't grow. I got Lasic surgery to get rid of my glasses and vaneers on my teeth because I thought I looked like a rabbit with my super wide front teeth. Nothing on me is real. My hair, nails, eyes, teeth and skin are all colored.

I don't know what the point of this post was, but at least I posted. Right, Mike?

But I have a great personality!

If someone says "I don't photograph well" aren't they just saying they're ugly? And if you say you don't "test" well in school, are you simply stupid?

Why do we say "heavy" instead of fat? And "older" instead of just old?

I've found myself talking to 89 year old patients at work and saying things like "Most older patients have such and such problems. . . " Usually the patient looks at me real patiently until I finally break down and say, "Okay. You're old. I won't beat around the bush." I'm glad they paid good money to hear that professional opinion.

Speaking of opinions. . .

A patient called me for my opinion because her radiologist said she should not have a biopsy of her thyroid nodule and her endocrinologist said she should. When she told the endocrinologist's nurse what the radiologist said the nurse told her she just needed to decide who she trusted most; her endocrinologist (who does this every day) or her radiologist. She was a little miffed at the nurse's attitude and asked for my opinion. After dispensing with my wise advice I told her to call the nurse back and tell her she wasn't going to trust either specialist's advice and was only going to trust her Internist! Har! Har! We're the bottom of the Ego Totem Pole in the medical world, so I enjoyed that brief power trip. She didn't make the call, by the way.

Are they twins?

I get that question a lot when I have the girls with me. I always explain, that "no, they're not twins, they're just close in age." The other day we were in line at Sam's and after hearing this bit of news the man in line behind me asked me if I was going to have a third child. Now, isn't that a bit personal? Did I ask him when his next bowel movement was going to be? But I patiently explained that "No, I think we're done with these two."

"Oh," he said "you can't afford it?"

What kind of question is that? How is any of this his business?

Happy Birthday Hillary! Sweet 17!

A New Post, Mike!

Mike says I don't ever update my blog. C'mon, I wrote an entry in May of 2006. How often does he want to read something about my life?

Here's a fill in. Priya turned four years old a couple of weeks ago. She is four going on 14. We'e aleady fighting and I'm usually the one stomping off to sulk because she won't do what I want her to. She is going to a private school next year and she is going to wear a uniform every day. Yes, Mike, it's true. She actually had to apply to this school and go through two evaluations to get in. How do they evaluate a three year old? Who knows, but she passed. I hope they didn't see her pick her nose. She does that a lot.

Anjali is two years old and always wanting to one-up Priya. She is almost as tall as Priya and they really almost look like twins. She is almost potty trained and now grabs herself when she needs to go to the bathroom. I'm actually glad because I get a 30 second warning before I rush her into the bathroom. She also has curious habit of "riding" her blankee. I will include a picture when I can, but she looks like a dog dry humping a stuffed animal. My brother-in-law insists she gets some sort of pleasure from it. I told him that was gross, but did notice she likes to go t a quiet corner and do it about five times a day. If she likes it, good for her.

I'm working part time and I'm I just started with a new nannie for the girls. She is 67 years old and has LOADS of experience. The girls love her already and she seems very enthusiastic. It's very hard for me to even trust another person with the girls. They've had the same two nannies for three years and no other babysitters except for other family members.

Kat lives about 20 minutes away and comes over about 1-2 times a week. She babysits every other Saturday for us so we can have a "date." Last Saturday we went to PF Changs. It was wonderful. Poor Kat. My friend's daughter is 12 years old and several inches taller than her. She ribs Kat about it every time she comes over. Kat can't even reach her height with her 8 inch wedges on.

That's it.

Pam and the boys are coming over in two weeks and I absolutely can't wait. I'm thinking about all the fun things we can do but not planning anything. We have the Acquarium, the Carousel, the fountains, Discovery Museum, Tow Truck Museum, Train Museum, and Chattanooga Duck amphibious touring vehicle (it drives down the street and floats on the river). Only in Chattanooga.

I'll make every effort to post more interesting things when they happen. The girls are watching American Idol right now. Priya is sitting next to Sumeet asking him every thirty seconds if "that guy can sing." Sumeet said "no" since it was Sanjaya. Priya doesn't understand why. So she asks that about every singer. Every thirty seconds. Meanwhile, Anjali has put on her toy drum and is serenading us with her rendation of "We can go on Parade." That's her own song. The same five words over and over and over.

See why I don't post more often?