I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write a thing. So I'll just put down some thoughts that have occurred to me in the last few days.
My parents are occasionally TOO cheerful. They know what I'm talking about.
Really strange shows come on TV in the middle of the night. HBO had "Miss Black Nude America" on last night. Or something like that. I only know this because I watch TV while I feed the baby. . .
Ellen DeGeneres is a great comedian.
My garage door is too small for my SUV. That is why I've banged it up twice in the last week trying to get it in the garage. It couldn't be because I'm a bad driver.
My sister E. McPan is way too intelligent. I just don't understand some of her blog posts. . .
Why do people call Garage Sales "Yard Sales" in the South?
My brother "hearsedrv" is smarter than he sounds. I just don't understand some of his blog posts. . .
Don't feed your toddler chocolate pudding. It will make her poop really stinky.
I watch a lot of Sesame Street. Big Bird is a real whiner. "Oh no! I can't seem to find ERRRRNIE!!! He says he's hiding behind something that rhymes with kneeeee and the only thing here is this treeeee! What will I do NOW?? "
Elmo always talks in third person, which is annoying.
When people don't think your baby is cute, they resort to saying things like "What a lot of hair!!" or "She sure has long fingers! She'll be a piano player for sure!"
Why do the nurses and doctors feel compelled to remind new mothers not to have sex for six weeks after the birth of their baby? Didn't they witness what just happenned down there? Do I really need to be REMINDED? And why six weeks? Who participated in that study?
Did the "Boat Men of Vietnam Who Kind of Knew John Kerry for Truth" come up with their name before this election campaign? Did they just tack on the "for Truth" later? Does it ligitimize their statement? Why not form the "Black Nude Women of America for Truth?" Maybe they could give testimonials too.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Saturday, August 14, 2004
My lungs hurt. . .
My brother is a redneck. I don't know why. We were raised in the same house by the same parents. But someone must have put something in his fruity pebbles when he was a kid. I don't know what it was, but it has affected him. It really has.
He called me today to ask me some medical questions. Our conversation went something like this:
"I'm worried about my lungs."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I may have inhaled some chlorine when I was putting it in my new pool."
"How did you do that?"
"I was trying to be careful, you know. Because I did the same thing 20 years ago except it was much worse. I was blackin' out and everything that time. Do you remember that? You were just a kid, but my friends had to drive me to the hospital in the old El Camino. Did I ever tell you what Mom did during that whole thing? Oh, that's a good story. I should write that one in my blog. . . "
While he went on to tell me the story of how Mom read a novel while some minister spoke in tongues over his near lifeless body my toddler starteed screaming at the top of her lungs. I was having a hard time hearing him talk, so I tried to cut to the chase.
"So, what are your symptoms?"
"Wow, you're toddler sure sounds unhappy. Is she unhappy? What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, really. She's just trying to get used to her new little sister being around."
"Oh, poor you. That sucks, man. I wouldn't want to be you right now. . . "
"So, what symptoms do you have?"
"Oh, well, I'm coughing real bad at night and I couldn't sleep last night. And my chest hurts. And my throat is sore. And my whole body aches."
"When did all this start?"
"About two hours after I put the chlorine in the pool. I was trying to be real careful, see, because I had done this before. I put it in while staying as far away from it as I could. Of course I put my face pretty much in the stuff 20 years ago. That was the difference. I was blackin' out and everything."
"But your symptoms started two hours later. . . "
"Oh, yeah. I was swimming, see and my mother-in-law was there but I made her turn around because I didn't have clothes on. And when I got out of the pool it just hit me. My whole body hurt and my throat was sore. I just went to bed and slept all day. And I called in sick the next day. I've never called in sick in SIX YEARS! And it's been four days and I still feel like crap. Of course, I haven't passed out or anything like the first time. That's a good thing."
"Um, yeah. So, have you had any fever?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Are you bringing up anything when you cough?"
"No."
"Any trouble breathing?"
"Only when I lay down. I've been working all day on this pool and can breathe fine."
"Okay, well I think you may have an inhalation injury from the chlorine. But you may also have a viral illness. I would treat you symptomatically with an inhaler and a strong cough medicine with codeine or hydrocodone."
"Oooooh, no. I think I'll pass on that. I took some of that when I broke my foot, which still hurts like hell by the way. Anyway, what was the name of that stuff? Hey (wife) where's that bottle? Man, did I get sick. I must have taken it the night before, or no, was it the morning? It must have been the morning before work. No, because you can't drive when you take it. So I took it when I got to work. And later that day I TREW UP in my cubicle. That may have been because I took it on an empty stomach. . . "
"Well, yes, that's true. It likely did contribute to it."
"So I don't want any of that, and besides, I took a Halls and got some sleep after that."
"Oh, so if the Halls worked I wouldn't take anything else. But you may need an inhaler."
"You know, we have inhalers around here. Hey (wife) where is that inhaler? I know we have one because (son) used it. I'll just use his. Or (wife's). Oh yeah, here it is. It says. . . Proventil. Will that do? It expired in November 2003, but that's okay. I can use it anyway. We have great insurance. Everything is only $6 for medications."
"Maybe I should call you in a new inhaler."
"Nahhh. This will work. But, listen, will this heal my lungs?"
"No, this will only help with your symptoms. If you develop a high fever or trouble breathing you should go see your doctor."
"Well, that's what I was wonderin'!! I just want to make sure my lungs aren't fillin' up with fluid. So I'm not gonna die?"
"No, I doubt it. But this may be a virus, which is why your body is aching."
"My body is aching because I've been bustin' my ass on this pool. Man I'm tired. Y'know, me and (wife) aren't getting any younger. We're so tired. And my foot still hurts. But that's because I kicked the dog with it the other day."
"Why did you kick the dog?"
"Oh, I don't know. He got out of the yard one too many times I guess. Dumb dog."
"Right. So why do you swim in the nude?"
"Why not? I just wanted to."
"Aren't you worried someone will see you?"
"Naw, I have a privacy fence. But I did see the neighbor naked. And that wasn't pretty. She's 60 years old and weighs 300 pounds. Close your blinds lady! And the other neighbor just had a baby so she's still fat and ugly. . . "
I don't know why he was looking in the neighbor's window, or if he also works on the pool in the nude. I really hope not. But I think he'll live. At least until the pool needs more chlorine. . .
He called me today to ask me some medical questions. Our conversation went something like this:
"I'm worried about my lungs."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I may have inhaled some chlorine when I was putting it in my new pool."
"How did you do that?"
"I was trying to be careful, you know. Because I did the same thing 20 years ago except it was much worse. I was blackin' out and everything that time. Do you remember that? You were just a kid, but my friends had to drive me to the hospital in the old El Camino. Did I ever tell you what Mom did during that whole thing? Oh, that's a good story. I should write that one in my blog. . . "
While he went on to tell me the story of how Mom read a novel while some minister spoke in tongues over his near lifeless body my toddler starteed screaming at the top of her lungs. I was having a hard time hearing him talk, so I tried to cut to the chase.
"So, what are your symptoms?"
"Wow, you're toddler sure sounds unhappy. Is she unhappy? What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, really. She's just trying to get used to her new little sister being around."
"Oh, poor you. That sucks, man. I wouldn't want to be you right now. . . "
"So, what symptoms do you have?"
"Oh, well, I'm coughing real bad at night and I couldn't sleep last night. And my chest hurts. And my throat is sore. And my whole body aches."
"When did all this start?"
"About two hours after I put the chlorine in the pool. I was trying to be real careful, see, because I had done this before. I put it in while staying as far away from it as I could. Of course I put my face pretty much in the stuff 20 years ago. That was the difference. I was blackin' out and everything."
"But your symptoms started two hours later. . . "
"Oh, yeah. I was swimming, see and my mother-in-law was there but I made her turn around because I didn't have clothes on. And when I got out of the pool it just hit me. My whole body hurt and my throat was sore. I just went to bed and slept all day. And I called in sick the next day. I've never called in sick in SIX YEARS! And it's been four days and I still feel like crap. Of course, I haven't passed out or anything like the first time. That's a good thing."
"Um, yeah. So, have you had any fever?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Are you bringing up anything when you cough?"
"No."
"Any trouble breathing?"
"Only when I lay down. I've been working all day on this pool and can breathe fine."
"Okay, well I think you may have an inhalation injury from the chlorine. But you may also have a viral illness. I would treat you symptomatically with an inhaler and a strong cough medicine with codeine or hydrocodone."
"Oooooh, no. I think I'll pass on that. I took some of that when I broke my foot, which still hurts like hell by the way. Anyway, what was the name of that stuff? Hey (wife) where's that bottle? Man, did I get sick. I must have taken it the night before, or no, was it the morning? It must have been the morning before work. No, because you can't drive when you take it. So I took it when I got to work. And later that day I TREW UP in my cubicle. That may have been because I took it on an empty stomach. . . "
"Well, yes, that's true. It likely did contribute to it."
"So I don't want any of that, and besides, I took a Halls and got some sleep after that."
"Oh, so if the Halls worked I wouldn't take anything else. But you may need an inhaler."
"You know, we have inhalers around here. Hey (wife) where is that inhaler? I know we have one because (son) used it. I'll just use his. Or (wife's). Oh yeah, here it is. It says. . . Proventil. Will that do? It expired in November 2003, but that's okay. I can use it anyway. We have great insurance. Everything is only $6 for medications."
"Maybe I should call you in a new inhaler."
"Nahhh. This will work. But, listen, will this heal my lungs?"
"No, this will only help with your symptoms. If you develop a high fever or trouble breathing you should go see your doctor."
"Well, that's what I was wonderin'!! I just want to make sure my lungs aren't fillin' up with fluid. So I'm not gonna die?"
"No, I doubt it. But this may be a virus, which is why your body is aching."
"My body is aching because I've been bustin' my ass on this pool. Man I'm tired. Y'know, me and (wife) aren't getting any younger. We're so tired. And my foot still hurts. But that's because I kicked the dog with it the other day."
"Why did you kick the dog?"
"Oh, I don't know. He got out of the yard one too many times I guess. Dumb dog."
"Right. So why do you swim in the nude?"
"Why not? I just wanted to."
"Aren't you worried someone will see you?"
"Naw, I have a privacy fence. But I did see the neighbor naked. And that wasn't pretty. She's 60 years old and weighs 300 pounds. Close your blinds lady! And the other neighbor just had a baby so she's still fat and ugly. . . "
I don't know why he was looking in the neighbor's window, or if he also works on the pool in the nude. I really hope not. But I think he'll live. At least until the pool needs more chlorine. . .
Monday, August 09, 2004
McDonalds, Lotion, and Dog Drool
And it began today. Priya picked up a tube of lotion and wacked her little sister over the head with it. You should have heard Anjali cry. Luckily, it scared her more than anything else. So I didn't punish Priya (she really didn't understand what she did) and I took her to the store with me while the nanny watched Anjali. After the store excursion we went to McDonalds where she meticulously picked up every french fry and dipped it into the ketchup. That took a while since I had torn the fries into fourths. Ketchup dipping is a new trick for her. I just hope she doesn't associate hitting her sister with a trip to McDonalds.
Yesterday she was given the treat of getting to pet the neighbor's dog. She is obsessed with this dog. Literally. She says "dawg" 467 times a day and points to their driveway (where he sits basking int he sun) whenever she can. So I saw the neighbor in his yard and went over and asked if Priya could pet his rather large dog. He said "Sure!" and Priya proceeded to lean over to give the dog a loving kiss. His large head whipped around and in one eighth of a second he had licked the entire right side of her face. My heart stopped because I thought he was about to bite her. That would have been a big chunk out of her face. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. Of course, she didn't mind the slobber all over her cheek and hair at all. She just cried when we walked back home. I guess we should consider getting a dog. . .
Yesterday she was given the treat of getting to pet the neighbor's dog. She is obsessed with this dog. Literally. She says "dawg" 467 times a day and points to their driveway (where he sits basking int he sun) whenever she can. So I saw the neighbor in his yard and went over and asked if Priya could pet his rather large dog. He said "Sure!" and Priya proceeded to lean over to give the dog a loving kiss. His large head whipped around and in one eighth of a second he had licked the entire right side of her face. My heart stopped because I thought he was about to bite her. That would have been a big chunk out of her face. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. Of course, she didn't mind the slobber all over her cheek and hair at all. She just cried when we walked back home. I guess we should consider getting a dog. . .
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Anjali
So Anjali was born on July 22nd. She is the spitting image of her dad and so far seems to have his temperament (which is a really really really good thing). She does what I've always heard newborns are supposed to do (eat, sleep and poop). Priya didn't follow those rules at all. We'll see how long this bliss lasts. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law will be here for two weeks and has been babysitting, cleaning and cooking every meal. Who could ask for anything more? I'm in a minor state of panic at the thought of her leaving. Who will cook? How will I get to the grocery store? What if both girls need me at the EXACT same time? How do I decide what to do???
Obviously, I'm overreacting. It will all work out just fine. Just as soon as I hire a full time cook.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law will be here for two weeks and has been babysitting, cleaning and cooking every meal. Who could ask for anything more? I'm in a minor state of panic at the thought of her leaving. Who will cook? How will I get to the grocery store? What if both girls need me at the EXACT same time? How do I decide what to do???
Obviously, I'm overreacting. It will all work out just fine. Just as soon as I hire a full time cook.
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