My lungs hurt. . .

My brother is a redneck. I don't know why. We were raised in the same house by the same parents. But someone must have put something in his fruity pebbles when he was a kid. I don't know what it was, but it has affected him. It really has.

He called me today to ask me some medical questions. Our conversation went something like this:

"I'm worried about my lungs."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I may have inhaled some chlorine when I was putting it in my new pool."
"How did you do that?"
"I was trying to be careful, you know. Because I did the same thing 20 years ago except it was much worse. I was blackin' out and everything that time. Do you remember that? You were just a kid, but my friends had to drive me to the hospital in the old El Camino. Did I ever tell you what Mom did during that whole thing? Oh, that's a good story. I should write that one in my blog. . . "
While he went on to tell me the story of how Mom read a novel while some minister spoke in tongues over his near lifeless body my toddler starteed screaming at the top of her lungs. I was having a hard time hearing him talk, so I tried to cut to the chase.
"So, what are your symptoms?"
"Wow, you're toddler sure sounds unhappy. Is she unhappy? What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, really. She's just trying to get used to her new little sister being around."
"Oh, poor you. That sucks, man. I wouldn't want to be you right now. . . "
"So, what symptoms do you have?"
"Oh, well, I'm coughing real bad at night and I couldn't sleep last night. And my chest hurts. And my throat is sore. And my whole body aches."
"When did all this start?"
"About two hours after I put the chlorine in the pool. I was trying to be real careful, see, because I had done this before. I put it in while staying as far away from it as I could. Of course I put my face pretty much in the stuff 20 years ago. That was the difference. I was blackin' out and everything."
"But your symptoms started two hours later. . . "
"Oh, yeah. I was swimming, see and my mother-in-law was there but I made her turn around because I didn't have clothes on. And when I got out of the pool it just hit me. My whole body hurt and my throat was sore. I just went to bed and slept all day. And I called in sick the next day. I've never called in sick in SIX YEARS! And it's been four days and I still feel like crap. Of course, I haven't passed out or anything like the first time. That's a good thing."
"Um, yeah. So, have you had any fever?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Are you bringing up anything when you cough?"
"No."
"Any trouble breathing?"
"Only when I lay down. I've been working all day on this pool and can breathe fine."
"Okay, well I think you may have an inhalation injury from the chlorine. But you may also have a viral illness. I would treat you symptomatically with an inhaler and a strong cough medicine with codeine or hydrocodone."
"Oooooh, no. I think I'll pass on that. I took some of that when I broke my foot, which still hurts like hell by the way. Anyway, what was the name of that stuff? Hey (wife) where's that bottle? Man, did I get sick. I must have taken it the night before, or no, was it the morning? It must have been the morning before work. No, because you can't drive when you take it. So I took it when I got to work. And later that day I TREW UP in my cubicle. That may have been because I took it on an empty stomach. . . "
"Well, yes, that's true. It likely did contribute to it."
"So I don't want any of that, and besides, I took a Halls and got some sleep after that."
"Oh, so if the Halls worked I wouldn't take anything else. But you may need an inhaler."
"You know, we have inhalers around here. Hey (wife) where is that inhaler? I know we have one because (son) used it. I'll just use his. Or (wife's). Oh yeah, here it is. It says. . . Proventil. Will that do? It expired in November 2003, but that's okay. I can use it anyway. We have great insurance. Everything is only $6 for medications."
"Maybe I should call you in a new inhaler."
"Nahhh. This will work. But, listen, will this heal my lungs?"
"No, this will only help with your symptoms. If you develop a high fever or trouble breathing you should go see your doctor."
"Well, that's what I was wonderin'!! I just want to make sure my lungs aren't fillin' up with fluid. So I'm not gonna die?"
"No, I doubt it. But this may be a virus, which is why your body is aching."
"My body is aching because I've been bustin' my ass on this pool. Man I'm tired. Y'know, me and (wife) aren't getting any younger. We're so tired. And my foot still hurts. But that's because I kicked the dog with it the other day."
"Why did you kick the dog?"
"Oh, I don't know. He got out of the yard one too many times I guess. Dumb dog."
"Right. So why do you swim in the nude?"
"Why not? I just wanted to."
"Aren't you worried someone will see you?"
"Naw, I have a privacy fence. But I did see the neighbor naked. And that wasn't pretty. She's 60 years old and weighs 300 pounds. Close your blinds lady! And the other neighbor just had a baby so she's still fat and ugly. . . "

I don't know why he was looking in the neighbor's window, or if he also works on the pool in the nude. I really hope not. But I think he'll live. At least until the pool needs more chlorine. . .