So I'm on call tonight. A call comes in from a woman who says she is having an anxiety attack. Luckily, we have electronic medical records and I can access all of it from my home computer. So while we were talking I tried to find her in our system.
"What did you say your last name was?"
"Oh, it's Smith. But my maiden name is Jones. I just got married."
"Well, I can't find you in our system. . . "
"My appointment is soon. They told me I couldn't get in for three weeks. So, I'm having this anxiety attack, and. . . "
"I'm sorry, but we can't treat someone we've never seen before (plus we don't give narcotics or anxiolytics during call hours). I also find it hard to believe you couldn't get an appointment for three weeks."
"That's because I'm a new patent. That's what they told me."
"I'm surprised by that. I had two new patient openings today. I could have seen you."
"Believe me, I would have come in. Now about that anxiety. . . "
"I cannot give you anything. I'm sorry."
"Ohhhhh noooooo! What am I going to do? Oh noooooo. Now what????" Despair dripping from her voice in thick dramatic drops.
"Well, you can go to an acute care facility like Physician's Care."
"Are they open 24 hours? Ohhhh, what will I do?"
"They are not open 24 hours, but they are open now. It's 8 pm."
"Well," she said rather huffily, "Just cancel my appointment then!"
She didn't have an appointment.
This type of thing has happened to me before. A young lady convinced me she was my partner's patient and I called in a narcotic. Stupid! Stupid! She wasn't our patient at all. But now they can't fool me. I just love this system! It's really great, though, because I can access a patient's medical record while on call. No question about what mdication they're on or what their last labs were. It's wonderful.
And in other news, Priya is using the potty! She has a magic "Royal Potty" which plays a short fanfare when she sits down and a very dramatic one when she does the deed. It's real handy except when Anjali is crawling over and putting her hand in the bowl. . . Yuck.
But I have decided some people I know need a "Royal Potty" in their own homes. They're so proud of their deed that they sit there for about 2 hours savoring the moment. Then they talk about it and actually have a debate about when one should move one's bowels. Who cares, I ask. I certainly don't. But some people feel very stongly that these things should happen at the same time every single day. Usually right after breakfast. They also claim you can "train" your body to do this on schedule. Ok, how? How do I will my bowels to move?
I guess if I can't will mine to move I can will my daughter's to move in a potty rather in her "big girl underwear."
