So a new patient came into the office the other day sounding like she had a pile of gravel stuck in her throat. She looked 20 years older than her age and could hardly get across the room without suckin' wind.
"I'll be honest with ya, doc." she said. "I do smoke cigarettes."
Hmmmm. Really? And do you think that just might be a mistake?
Later, I'm driving home and the person in the car in front of me is smoking and throws his cigarette out onto the street. What is it about smokers that makes them believe that the world is their ashtray? Are they that lazy that they can't use the ashtray which sits within arms reach in their car?
And one more thing. On the way to work yesterday I saw a lady combing her hair and putting on every bit of her makeup in the car. OK, I see that plenty of times. But then another lady behind me whipped out her deoderant put it on at a stoplight. Now how did she remember to put that in the car, and yet not remember to put it on in the first place?
And if anyone else watches The Amazing Race besides me and Sumeet, please tell me you saw the finale Tuesday night. Loved it. My favorite team won and all is right in the world.
Priya pee-peed in the potty twice the other day. Maybe by accident, but hey, I'm thrilled.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I wanna get drunk
So I was watching "Airline" on A&E last night and the theme for the show was "Let's get drunk, miss our flight, and blame the airlines." Every fool who did this not only got some air time on national telivision, but they got a full refund of their flight! Since when did this start? If I were to buy my tickets in advance and need to cancel due to my head falling off I wouldn't get a refund!
"Well, Ms B, that's because you bought those tickets in advance and they're nonrefundable, nontransferable, and subject to a $100 fee for changing them."
"But my head just fell off! I really don't think I can fly if my head is not attached. And I'm bleeding everywhere. Aren't you worried about getting your airplane soiled?"
"No, we're not worried. We now have fancy vinyl seats on all our flights. And if you read the fine print of your contract you will see that having your head fall off does not constitute a valid reason to refund or change your ticket."
"Okay, but I could be a security risk. See, I can't really see to get to my seat without my head, and I might bump into other passengers. Worse yet, I might even inadvertently fall into the cockpit trying to go to the bathroom. The pilot may panic and crash the plane. See?"
"No, I don't see, and obviously you don't either. And that's because your head is sitting on the floor. Now, would you like to pay the $100 change fee and catch the next flight tomorrow morning?"
"Ummm, let's see. . . how about NOOOO. I really think I'll bleed to death by then. And what contract are you talking about? I didn't sign a contract. I just bought some tickets."
"The tickets ARE your contract. WHY do people come to the airport without reading their tickets? This really makes my job difficult. Now, let me ask again. Do you want to sign over your first born child and take the next flight or stand here and bleed on my carpet?"
"My first born child? I thought you wanted $100!"
"$100, first born child, it's all the same. . . "
"Are you crazy?!? Do you think my beautiful incredible intelligent child is only worth $100? Seriously? NOW you've crossed the line. NOW I'm pissed off. NOW I want to talk to your supervisor."
"Please calm down Ms. B. And watch your language. Do you kiss your children with that mouth? I'm just trying to do my job."
"I will NOT calm down. You're about to see what ANGRY is all about. Just get me your supervisor and find the cameramen and tell them to focus that lens onME, because I'm about to cause a SCENE!"
"Ms. B, you are acting a bit erracitcally. Have you had anything to drink today?"
"DRINK? Yes, I've had something to drink! Wouldn't you if you had my stressful crazy life? My head just fell off! Of course I've had something to drink! I'm drunk off my gourd! I'm high as a kite! Do you want a sobriety test? I'll fail it for you!"
"Well, you should have said so ma'am. You are now a security risk and therefore cannot board our aircraft. I'm terribly sorry but we'll have to refund your ticket, put you up in the nearest hotel until you sober up. You can then catch the next flight out tomorrow. First class. Because we treat our drunk customers with respect. Now our headless customers have no rights. But I don't make the rules. I just enforce them. Here's your ticket, your hotel information, and a nice bag in which to place you head. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines."
"Well, Ms B, that's because you bought those tickets in advance and they're nonrefundable, nontransferable, and subject to a $100 fee for changing them."
"But my head just fell off! I really don't think I can fly if my head is not attached. And I'm bleeding everywhere. Aren't you worried about getting your airplane soiled?"
"No, we're not worried. We now have fancy vinyl seats on all our flights. And if you read the fine print of your contract you will see that having your head fall off does not constitute a valid reason to refund or change your ticket."
"Okay, but I could be a security risk. See, I can't really see to get to my seat without my head, and I might bump into other passengers. Worse yet, I might even inadvertently fall into the cockpit trying to go to the bathroom. The pilot may panic and crash the plane. See?"
"No, I don't see, and obviously you don't either. And that's because your head is sitting on the floor. Now, would you like to pay the $100 change fee and catch the next flight tomorrow morning?"
"Ummm, let's see. . . how about NOOOO. I really think I'll bleed to death by then. And what contract are you talking about? I didn't sign a contract. I just bought some tickets."
"The tickets ARE your contract. WHY do people come to the airport without reading their tickets? This really makes my job difficult. Now, let me ask again. Do you want to sign over your first born child and take the next flight or stand here and bleed on my carpet?"
"My first born child? I thought you wanted $100!"
"$100, first born child, it's all the same. . . "
"Are you crazy?!? Do you think my beautiful incredible intelligent child is only worth $100? Seriously? NOW you've crossed the line. NOW I'm pissed off. NOW I want to talk to your supervisor."
"Please calm down Ms. B. And watch your language. Do you kiss your children with that mouth? I'm just trying to do my job."
"I will NOT calm down. You're about to see what ANGRY is all about. Just get me your supervisor and find the cameramen and tell them to focus that lens onME, because I'm about to cause a SCENE!"
"Ms. B, you are acting a bit erracitcally. Have you had anything to drink today?"
"DRINK? Yes, I've had something to drink! Wouldn't you if you had my stressful crazy life? My head just fell off! Of course I've had something to drink! I'm drunk off my gourd! I'm high as a kite! Do you want a sobriety test? I'll fail it for you!"
"Well, you should have said so ma'am. You are now a security risk and therefore cannot board our aircraft. I'm terribly sorry but we'll have to refund your ticket, put you up in the nearest hotel until you sober up. You can then catch the next flight out tomorrow. First class. Because we treat our drunk customers with respect. Now our headless customers have no rights. But I don't make the rules. I just enforce them. Here's your ticket, your hotel information, and a nice bag in which to place you head. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines."
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