It takes a lot of work to be this beautiful

-Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias.

I feel this way many times and not because I'm beautiful. Today I got a Mystic Tan. I had to. I put some shorts on and it scared me. No one should be allowed out the door with legs that white.

It was my first time at that tanning salon and the 16 year old extremely tanned and uber thin employee decided to give me a tour. Even though I told her I wasn't interested in tanning, just the Mystic Tan. The spray on. Like what Ross went through in Friends. So I reminded her of this when she showed me the Super 980,000 watt tanning bed that they only allowed you to use a maximum of 8 minutes every three months.

Hello.

Why would I want to get into that?

She was mystified that I didn't want to get a "real" tan. No pun intended.

Anyway, it was a scary experience. Three spouts blasting this cloud of brown stuff five times over each side of my body. I couldn't breathe. But I guess I got an even tan. I'm not orange.

But now that my face is tan my blonde moustache really shows. So I need to wax that and have the red blotchy goatee for 36 hours. Then I need to color my roots because they're pure white. I just colored three weeks ago. Three weeks.

I need acrylic nails because mine won't grow. I got Lasic surgery to get rid of my glasses and vaneers on my teeth because I thought I looked like a rabbit with my super wide front teeth. Nothing on me is real. My hair, nails, eyes, teeth and skin are all colored.

I don't know what the point of this post was, but at least I posted. Right, Mike?